Yeah

 I'm a cross-talking son of a bitch . . . 

The dude who led the meeting today was familiar to me as a dude who came to us three or four years back, refusing to say that he was an alcoholic.  Fair enough.  You don't have to say anything you don't want to say.  You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  When I say  "I'm an alcoholic" it's to remind me that I'm an alcoholic, not to convince anyone else.  Whether you think I'm an alcoholic or not is none of my business and concerns me not a whit.  This guy tickled me when he was getting started.  He was annoyed and his annoyance was quite apparent.  He wasn't trying to hide his annoyance.  Frankly, I'd rather deal with the annoyed member than with the new person who is having way too much fun.  If you've started coming to A.A. it means things have gotten pretty bad and it has typically been bad for way too long a time.  Don't tell me that everything's OK.  You're in a seven A.M. meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, for fuck's sake.  How good can it be?

We had about thirty-five members today so I took up my blocking position near the door to make sure no one escaped without a greeting.  A few people pause in their outward scuttling to chat for a few beats so I believe I'm doing something worthwhile.  No one took a swing at me or spit on me or anything like that.  There was no cursing.  One of my new friends stopped on the way out to ask if I was coming to the meeting next Saturday.  "Good," she said.  "I have family coming to visit and I want them to meet you."  This Program never ceases to amaze me.  I had eight years of sobriety when this woman was born.  I'm never sure what someone brand new sees when they look at old farts like me sitting there in my pork-pie hat and thrift store suit jacket.  We never know who/how/when/why we make a difference.

Scary Stories

 From Step Eight in the 12 & 12:

"We learn how to develop the best possible relations with every human being we know.  Learning how to live in the greatest peace, partnership, and brotherhood with all men and women, of whatever description, is a moving and fascinating adventure."  Here are a few of the most descriptive phrases in the text of this relatively short Step: "a twisted or broken relationship" and "since defective relations with  other human  beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including alcoholism" and "violent emotional twists" and "instincts in collision" and "miserly, irresponsible, callous and cold" and "irritable, critical, impatient, and humorless" and . . . well, you get the point: we suck at relationships.  "The kind of harms done to others as practicing alcoholics that make living with us difficult and often unbearable."

I heard this phrase this morning: Feeding the fear.  Which wolf are you going to feed today?

Honesty is a big part of Step Eight.  I always had a good grasp on honesty as it pertained to other people, places, and things.  I was pretty aware when I was telling a lie.  I knew I wasn't telling the truth.  But being honest with myself?  That was always a lot trickier.  I had told myself scary stories for so long that I started to believe them.

Other People

 I was helped immensely early on by being forced to hear over and over stuff that was clearly crap that wouldn't work for me.  I refused to budge.  I refused to consider the fact that the crap was working for hundreds of people in my immediate vicinity.  I would purse my lips, narrow my eyes into a Clint Eastwood squint, shake my head: "Nope.  Not going to do that.  Or that."  Eventually the inevitable question: "How's everything working for you, Seaweed?"  I could never get past that question.  It was intractable.  I had to yield to the group wisdom.  Slowly and with great reluctance.

Buddha, Buddha, on the wall . . . Who's the biggest jerk of all?

Visualization techniques to help grow tolerance: "In front of you to the right, imagine another version of yourself who is a solid mass of egotistical self-centeredness.  (Ed. Note: Yeah, that's not hard to do.  What would be hard is imagining myself in any other way.)  In front of you to the left, visualize a group of poor people, including some who are destitute, needy, suffering.  Consider that we are willing to make temporary sacrifices for a long-term return.  By the same logic, it makes perfect sense for one single person to make sacrifices in order to help a larger good.  Consider your own egotistical self there at your right side, neglecting the welfare of so many.  It simply is not good  to be like this. (Ed. Note: No nuance or equivocation there.)  The point is that you yourself must serve and help other beings."

I hate other people.  Other people are the worst.

Who Am I?

 I have to be reminded that I'm not the person I used to be by looking at the behavior of that person.  Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable if I do it honestly.  As I say often: one of the biggest gifts in my recovery has been the direction to relentlessly scour situations for my part in things.  A verifiable tendency of the human brain is to dis-remember and then re-remember a memory in a way that allows us to stay true to who we are now.  I might forget a sexist comment I made when I was a teenager because it doesn't jibe with the reality of who I am today - a dude without a sexist bone in my body. The story from the Big Book we read today was written by a gay guy.  There is not doubt that when Alcoholics Anonymous was getting started it was open to everyone . . . as long as you were a professional, middle-aged, straight Christian white male.  If not, well, hmmmm, maybe this isn't for you?

Thinking and drinking and clicking the TV remote.  I'm a great thinker.  I think great thoughts.

I was walking through downtown after the meeting when I ran into one of my friends - he was waiting for his ex-wife to drop off his kids and his ex was late and he was steamed.  I let him steam for a minute until he started to run out of steam.  If you're upset about something and you believe that you're thinking like a competent adult before you do anything about what you're steamed about and before you say anything about it to a different adult you should at least say the words you're thinking out loud to yourself.  Watching my friend deflate was like listening to the air in an overly full balloon escape.  Lot of noise at the start which starts to lose momentum before trickling out with a pathetic blat.  I know the feeling when I'm listening to my own self and thinking simultaneously: "I sound like a crazy person."

Twitching and Moving and Swirling

 From the Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlet "A.A. for Alcoholics with Mental Health Issues" . . . 

"The whole idea of being 'restored to sanity' was confusing and irritating to me until I finally accepted that working the Steps was not going to fix my m:ental illness.  That is because my mental illness is not a character defect.  It is not spiritual in nature."

The leader this morning read a section from the chapter Working With Others.  The title itself should be a nice hint as to one of the key cornerstones of recovery: thinking of other people.  Wait a minute . . . I need to think about other people?  That doesn't seem like a good use of my time.

The conversation turned somewhat obliquely to the spiritual concept of stillness.  It is amazing how many of us struggle with a brain that demands constant movement, constant stimulation and activity.  Part of the attraction for me in A.A. early on was being around people who just seemed calm.  I was swirling endlessly in a buzz of mental noise.  I couldn't believe that people could stand quietly.  I was always twitching and moving and thinking.

Once again and over and over . . . No one wants my advice.  Even people who ask for my advice don't want my advice.  Most people want someone to listen to their problems and grievances, not to tell them what to do.

Wisely Selfish

 Here's the Buddha . . .  "No matter how important you may be, you are only a single person.  You have the same right to be happy as everyone else, but the difference is that you are one and they are many.  To lose the happiness of a single person is important, but not so important as losing the happiness of many other beings.  Put others first; you yourself come next.  This works even from a selfish viewpoint.  Let me explain how this is possible: you want happiness and do not want suffering, and if you show other people kindness, love and respect, they will respond in kind; this way your happiness will increase.  If you show other people anger and hatred, they will show you the same, and you will lose your  own happiness.  So I say, if you  are selfish, you should be wisely selfish."

So I'm not as important as other people.  So I should live a life dedicated to the service of others.  Hard for us flawed human beings to get our arms around this concept.  We are naturally driven by self.  I have been pondering this dichotomy in the context of the group of men that broke off from my regular morning group and started a new meeting.  For a number of reasons this really frosted my cake and the frosting went on for an uncomfortably long stretch of time, clearly revealing some significant defects in myself.  I've passed through this phase, thankfully, and I no longer harbor any resentments.  I think the personal growth for me was realizing that while I love everyone - or try to, anyway - I don't like everyone and that's normal and fine and okay.  Frankly, I could care less whether you like me or not and I'm assuming a lot of other people feel the same way.  As I continued to struggle with the issue I finally began to realize that there are some people who live a life based on principles and morals that I don't particularly respect.  I don't mean they're bad, evil people, just not my kind of people.  There's a guy at the new meeting who's been married five times.  And divorced five times.  Another guy told about confronting a homeless guy who was trespassing on his property - a huge beachfront mansion, by the way - with a pistol.  I know guys who vote for despicable candidates if they think they can get a bigger tax break . . .  the better to buy beachfront mansions, I guess.  Some of these guys are really active in A.A. and they are particularly attractive to newer guys with rougher backgrounds.  I'm not going to sit down and discuss the nuances of a foreign film festival with some dude who just got out of prison after a ten year stint for armed robbery.  I'm not judging the guy and I'm not saying I'm better than the guy or that I can't help him or he can't help me, just that he'll probably make a better personal connection with someone of a similar background.  This is only human nature.

To Thine Own Self Be True.

Making Good Use of Irritating People

 Hard times build determination and inner strength.  Through them we can also come to appreciate the uselessness of anger.  Instead of getting angry, nurture a deep caring and respect for troublemakers because by creating such trying circumstances, they provide us with invaluable opportunities to practice tolerance and patience.

I like "troublemakers" more than "enemies."  But I like "assholes" best of all.

So . . . those assholes that are getting in my way are doing me a favor . . . 

The Dalai Lama says this: "My own practice has benefited from a life of great turbulence and trouble.  You too can come to see the hardships you endure as deepening your practice."

Is it cool to tell the D.L. to go fuck himself?  Probably not but, then again, he'd probably use the comment to grow spiritually.

A woman that I've known for a good while was at the meeting yesterday.  I did not recognize her.  I find that those of us who continue to grow continue to change, including our appearance.  When I was attending meetings with her ten years ago I always liked her but thought of her as a girl, not a woman.  I don't say this disparagingly, either - I myself was a boy and not a man for the longest time.  She was on the mend from a bitterish divorce and has acquired some of that deep patience and understanding that comes from overcoming a trying circumstance.  I personally believe that our appearance changes as we grow spiritually.  I told her after the meeting that I didn't recognize her - even though she clearly knew who I was - and that this was a compliment.  It happened to me for a few years, too, and I was almost offended but clearly perplexed when someone I knew quite well didn't recognize me any more.  Today I get it.