Bombardment!

 Stress:  A physical, chemical, infective agent aggressing an organism; emotional pressure suffered by a human being or other animal.

I can hear my mother from beyond the grave explaining to me how dire my circumstances are and/or will be from my low back troubles.  Goddamn pain is moving from my mid back to my upper back to my low back in a totally random yet coordinated attack/movement.  I dislike it.  I'm trying to make the best of it but I'm doing a poor job.

I have to be careful that I don't whine about something while making sure I'm getting it out there.  I don't want to say "fine" automatically when someone inquires after my well-being but I don't want to take a normal part of living and elevate it to the level of a nuclear attack.

Every time I talk to someone on the phone they seem to be in worse shape physically than I do.

"Never be too discouraged."

"We reviewed our fears thoroughly.  We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them." (Ed. Note:  I think this aspect of the Fourth Step inventory is often overlooked.)

"The minute I stopped fighting or arguing I could begin to see and feel."

Bombard:  To continuously attack something with bombs, missiles, or artillery shells or other projectiles.

"We had not even prayed rightly . .  We had always said 'Grant me my wishes' instead of 'Your will be done.'  At no time had we asked what God's will was for us; instead we had been telling him what it ought to be.  It is when we try to make our will conform with God's that we begin to use it rightly. Our whole trouble had been the misuse of willpower.  We had tried to bombard our problems with it instead of attempting to bring it into agreement with God's intention for us."

I'm not sure that there is a more enlightening, powerful statement in the Big Book than that one.  It affirms that I have a willpower and that it's mine to use - the problem, apparently, is that I use it like a battering ram for my own selfish ends.  I can scarcely get anyone on this green earth to do what I want and I think that - through sheer force of will - I'm going to get God to do what I want?  Whew.

Virtual A.A.

"We cannot get along without prayer and meditation.  On awakening, let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead.  We consider our plans for the day.  Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking.  Our thought lives will be placed on a much higher plane when we start the day with prayer and meditation.  We conclude this period of meditation with a prayer that we will be shown through the day what the next step is to be.  The basis of all our prayers is: Thy will be done in me and through me today."

I just read a news article postulating that the pandemic has hurt A.A. attendance.  Yeah, well, no shit.  The shift to Zoom virtual meetings was never meant to permanently substitute for in-person meetings and it was clear from the outset that some people don't like sitting in front of a screen and trying to feel the connection you get when you're talking to people face-to-face.  The pandemic has fucked everything up.  I don't think we can blame the response of A.A. to the restrictions - doing the best we can with a new, ever-changing disease - as something unique to our Fellowship.  The article quotes some people who have found other means of recovery during this long lull.  Frankly, their complaints sound like the complaints that are always leveled at A.A. - too religious; too much of an emphasis on prayer and spirituality; too judgemental; and the sense that many of our members believe if you don't attend meetings regularly you're on a slippery slope.  I was also amused that the folks who hated Zoom meetings invariably found a support group more to their liking . . . online.  It's not like A.A. just decided for the hell of it to temporarily close down all the live meetings - schools, government agencies, and businesses were all in the same boat.

"Well, that's exactly what this book is about.  Its main object is to help you find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem.  That means we have written a book to be spiritual as well as moral.  And it means, of course, that we are going to talk about God."  Big Book, 'We Agnostics,' P. 45.

I mean we let people know almost immediately what's coming.  I always tell people that Alcoholics Anonymous supports any program, method, or institution that helps people get sober.  There are definitely a lot of members who are rigid and doctrinaire, inflexible about how they approach recovery, but I believe you're going to find people like this in any organization that believes they're dealing with life or death situations or with matters of the soul.

Sarcasm - Hate With a Smile

September is the ninth month so a lot of the A.A. literature is focusing on the Ninth Step, the one Step that you absolutely, positively need counsel from your A.A. sponsor and friends and groups before you take that first plunge.  We want the promised relief but sometimes we approach people who should best be left alone or we forget that the amends can't cause harm to anyone else.  No charging ahead like a bull in a china shop, this one.  If you break it - you bought it.

How free do you want to be?  That's the essence of this one.  No more skulking and furtive behavior after Step Nine.  I share often that the benefit for me of this Step is that there is absolutely no one in the world that I'm afraid of running into.  My conscience is clear.  Most of the amends I made were well-received but some were not.  I am comforted that the goal of this Step is to sweep my side of the street.  I am not to try to sweep off your side.  Your reaction is none of my business.  Your side can be filthy, strewn with garbage, in bad need of repair.  None of my business.

Sarcasm:  The use of irony to mock or show contempt; a sneering or cutting remark (comes from the Greek word 'sarkazian' which means 'to tear flesh.'

Sarcasm:  Hate with a smile.

Irony:  The expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.

That's better - let's be ironic today and not sarcastic.

Amend:  To change for the better; to improve.

Amends: Reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, injury of any kind.

And - if we've made the direct amends from our Eighth Step list - let's remember that every day is a day where living amends are in order.  It's no good telling someone you're sorry and then continuing to engage in the offensive behavior.  We have to change ourselves - amend ourselves - into better people.  If you're not going to come into contact with the people you damaged by your drinking then just be a nice person today.  To everybody.

Spiritual Principles

"Call on new prospects while they are still jittery.  They may be more receptive when depressed.  See them alone if possible.  Tell them enough about your drinking habits and experiences to encourage them to speak of themselves.  If they wish to talk, let them do so.  If they are not communicative, talk about the troubles liquor has caused you, being careful not to moralize or lecture.  When they see you know all about the drinking game, commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic and tell them how you learned you were sick."

One of the great aspects of Alcoholics Anonymous is that those of us in recovery using the A.A. 12 Step Program are uniquely positioned to help still drinking alcoholics.  And we're careful to emphasize that A.A. is not the only game in town - if you can find something that works for you by all means go for it - we try not to be overly sanctimonious about what we're doing (failing often :) ).  The point here is that no one with an alcohol problem likes to be lectured to by someone who doesn't have an alcohol problem.  When I started to attend meetings regularly I immediately knew I was with my people - you all were speaking my language.  When I described the reaction in my body that happened when I consumed alcohol there were a lot of smiles and knowing nods.  No one told me to use my willpower or try to cut back or drink non-alcoholic beer.  There were plenty of people who drank more than I did and I was a bad drunk.

 "Be careful not to brand new prospects as alcoholics.  Let them draw their own conclusion.  But talk to them about the hopelessness of alcoholism.  Tell them exactly what happened to you and how you recovered.  Stress the spiritual feature freely.  If they are agnostics or atheists, make it emphatic that they do not have to agree with your conception of God.  They can choose any conception they like, provided it makes sense to them.  The main thing is that they be willing to believe in a Power greater than themselves and that they live by spiritual principles."

Most of our Steps are covered in several paragraphs, maybe half a chapter here and there, but the Steps that talk about finding a higher power take up a ton of real estate.  We knew this was going to be a hard sell.  We knew that using the phrases "higher power" and "not a religious program but a spiritual one" might convince some skeptics but that a lot more would stiffen their spines and resist, resist, resist, so we don't push this at all.  Finding a higher power can be difficult but most of us come around and all of us will admit that we were powerless over alcohol.

What are spiritual principles, anyway?  Here's one suggestion from a recovery center:

"The 12 spiritual principles of recovery are as follows: acceptance, hope, faith, courage, honesty, patience, humility, willingness, brotherly love, integrity, self-discipline, and service."

From a psychology magazine:

"Acceptance, open-mindedness, gratitude, humility, patience, integrity, faith, forgiveness, self-acceptance, service."

More psychology:

"Gratitude, humility, optimism, forgiveness, generosity."

The general idea is that spiritual principles are the path laid out for experiencing our lives free of unnecessary suffering with strength and resilience to experience the pain and fear that must be walked through as a part of life.

Courageous Valour

Courage:  The ability to do something that frightens one; strength in the face of pain or grief; confront agony, pain, uncertainty, or intimidation without showing fear; the ability to control fear.

Valour:  Bravery in battle.

"Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to walk through it."  Variously attributed to Nelson Mandela, Mark Twain, or Franklin D. Roosevelt.  I have no doubt that Ozzy Osbourne, Pete Rose, and Wilt "The Stilt" Chamberlain have also received credit.

We read a section from one of Bill W's letters this morning where he shared some of the affirmations he used when he was in pain or suffering from depression:

This, too, shall pass.

Thy will, not mine be done.

Show me how this experience can teach me to be of service.

Not exactly earth-shattering new material but all of them work in a pinch.

This is an Eleventh Step meditation meeting so I found the leader's choice for a topic of courage to be interesting.  He framed his sharing with the second third of our Serenity Prayer: "God grant me . . .  the courage to change the things I can . . . "  I've always thought that the final couplet ". . .  and the wisdom to know the difference" was the linchpin of the prayer.  To paraphrase: Give me the courage to do something I need to do or the serenity to wait patiently if I'm not supposed to do anything and help me know which is which.

When I'm in pain - or struggling with a massive bout of anxiety - my inclination is to Do Something! to make it go away.  Do anything!  Get moving fast!!  Meditation is one of the most important techniques for ma way for me to slow down and get in the moment.  When I'm quiet then the small, still voice of my higher power, my conscience, my intuition, my whatever makes itself heard.

Change Everything

 Willingness:  Ready to do something that is not a matter of course.

Always a good topic, willingness.  The speaker brought up the passage from the Big Book where - in our attempts to calm newcomers who are uncomfortable with the idea of a Higher Power - we stress that willingness is like encountering a closed door: all we have to do is open it a little bit, peek through the crack.  Often we'll slam the door shut again - self-will running riot - but then the next time we can open it just a smidgen more.  Eventually a lot of us get through.  It's a slow process for all of us.

We learn how to think of others in Alcoholics Anonymous.  It's not our natural state of mind and not an easy process prying the focus off of ourselves.

Content:  Satisfaction; pleasure; contentment.

Happy:     Experiencing the effect of favorable fortune.

Happy?  Or content?  It's amazing how much we talk about this pursuit.  The guy this morning used the word "peaceful" to describe his state of mind.  I try to avoid the state of mind where I'm pleased I'm getting what I want or avoiding what I want to avoid.

Service:  The act of being of assistance to someone.

Service is providing what someone needs, not what I want them to have.  It's not service if I'm just doing what's easy for me.

Change everything!  All you have to change when you come into A.A. is everything.

Joy To The World!!!!

Joy:  A feeling of great pleasure and happiness, as in "tears of joy."  The Bible would suggest that joy is the ability to respond to life's difficult situations with inner contentment and satisfaction.

My insurance company - tapping some vein of infinite wisdom that probably makes sense to them but is opaque to normal people - has decided that the refill for my low dose of a mild anti-depressant has to be prescribed by a mental health professional, that my regular doctor can no longer do this, even though I've taken the same thing for over 20 years.  Fine.  Whatever.  I set up an appointment with a counselor who, of course, had to spend some time getting to know me.  Also fine.  I've seen some mental health professionals in my time in The Program and found all three of them to be wonderfully helpful.  I'm wide open to suggestions.  Because this drug treats depression and anxiety some of the questions she asked were to assure her that I wasn't going to kill myself or go up on the top of some building and start shooting at people.  Fine and that makes sense.  I'm pretty sure she's a caring person who doesn't want me to do either of those things.  And on a more cynical note I'm also pretty sure that the insurance company doesn't want to pay to clean up the aftermath of them.

So I get asked questions wondering if I have suicidal thoughts or do I lose my appetite and the like.  The one question they always ask is what brings you joy?  That one always freezes me in my tracks.  Joy.  Joy is such a religious word to me.  I think of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir joyfully singing some joyful song.  I do a lot of things that I find satisfying but I'm generally not a whoopie kai yah! kind of person.  I don't live on the surface of my emotions like that.  I do things that bring me satisfaction and pleasure and a sense of well-being because I've accomplished or investigated something important to me, but happiness?  I dunno.  That's a weird concept.  That's a kindergarten concept.  I gave away my Matchbox cars a long time ago.  (Funny story about that - I carried a case of those around for 30 years, from city to city and state to state, having bought into my mother's assurances that they were "worth a lot."  I think I sold like 100 of them for $12.)

SuperK and I had a nice, free-wheeling discussion about joy last night.  She's got a better handle on joy than I do but she's a little vague sometimes as well.  I slept well, had a nice Quiet Time, and then decided to join a downtown L.A. meeting I go to from time to time.  (People from all over the U.S. show up, probably hoping to see a movie star, which is not happening.)  The Tuesday format is to read from the Daily Reflections which I will reproduce verbatim here:

"Sobriety fills the painful "hole in the soul" that my alcoholism created.  Often I feel so physically well that I believe my work is done.  However, joy is not just the absence of pain; it is the gift of continued spiritual awakening.  Joy comes from ongoing and active study, as well as application of the principles of recovery in my everyday life, and from sharing that experience with others.  My Higher Power presents many opportunities for deeper spiritual awakening.  I need only to bring into my recovery the willingness to grow.  Today I am ready to grow."

We have all kinds of names for this phenomenon: A God shot or a coincidence or serendipity.  I just know that if I keep showing up then these things keep happening.