It's Fine

"We gradually begin to get a peace of mind and serenity which we never thought were possible.  This peace of mind is based on a feeling that fundamentally all is well.  That does not mean that all is well on the surface of things.  Little things can keep going wrong and big things can keep on upsetting us.  But deep down in our hearts we know that everything is eventually going to be all right."

First of all, I'm not especially comfortable with the concept of "big" and "little."  I can extrapolate - little is probably not being able to get the lid off my peanut jar and big is probably finding out I have a flesh-eating disease.  Still, there should be a list somewhere that we can access to see whether or not our upset is justified or not.  "Surface" is a tricky concept, too, as is "fundamentally."  I digress - the point here is that everything is going to be all right . . . in the long haul, in the Big Scheme of Things . . . . eventually.

Eventually:  In the end;  at some later time, especially after a long time, a series of problems, delays, struggles or setbacks.  (Ed. Note: Whew.)

Fundamentally:  Reaching the very core or essence of the matter.

"It has been said that we should 'wear the world like a loose garment.'  That means that nothing should seriously upset us because we have a deep, abiding faith that God will always take care of us.  To us that means not to be too upset by the surface wrongness of things, but to feel deeply secure in the fundamental goodness and purpose in the universe."

"Loose garment."  I'm more of a spandex guy.  I have a Kung Fu grip.  When I get my claws into something I'm not inclined to let it go, even if it's a poisonous snake or an angry boss.  Of course, the point here again is that I need to relax.  I need to remember that what is upsetting me today will be meaningless soon.  It will be handled.  I won't remember it in the future.

A friend sent me a short video clip called "Angry IKEA Guy."  This guy was a part time worker at IKEA who riffed on 15 or 20 dumb things that people say to him all the time.  The one that made me laugh was "Every time I come here my order gets messed up."  Angry IKEA Guy wants to say: "Then what are you doing here?  Go somewhere else.  Are you waiting for me to call you an Uber?  LOOK INWARD!"

I like that reminder to Look Inward.  I like to remember that the world is fine and that I can't change the world.  If there's a problem then the problem is me because I'm the only one that can fix the problem, either by stopping doing what I'm doing or beginning to do something that I should be doing.  You're fine.  Keep on doing what you're doing.  It's fine.

 

Beyond the Pale

Beyond the Pale:  (Ed. Note: This is actually a cool reference.  The Pale was an area of Ireland that was under British control so if you went "beyond the pale" you were potentially in dangerous territory and therefore outside of the limits of acceptable behavior.)

After a while we're going to find Great Truths that define our lives.  Some of them are universal - tell the truth, play nice with others, don't be so fricking selfish - and some are going to resonate with each of us personally.  I have a long Quiet Time every morning - and I mean every morning - but I'm not a daily meeting participant.  Here are a few classics I jotted down while on a recent Zoom meeting.

Being in the right now.  My personal favorite of the Irritating Slogans and probably the biggest hitter of them all.  How much do we hear about One Day at a Time?

I have character defects and so do you.  In fact, I believe I have every single character defect today that I had when I was drinking.  Mercifully, most of them lie dormant although a handful are not that dormant.  They're burbling just below the surface, like an active volcano.  And then there are a couple two-three that are bedevilments, activated at the drop of a hat and a constant irritant.  Self-righteous, indignant, dismissive, impatient . . . shit, I'm at four already and I'm just getting rolling.  This concept of character defects bites both ways - I take satisfaction in the considerable progress I've made and I'm grateful that these daily wrestling matches with the embedded ones keep me centered and aware and on my toes, always trying to improve.

The Line.  We all have a series of lines beyond which ye may not cross lest ye court eternal peril.  I try to be calm and understanding, aware that I don't know where you came from and what you wrestle with on a daily basis.  Some of the lines are obvious: murder, infidelity, racism, believing that football is better than baseball, and some are more personal, lines that I'm comfortable crossing that may be a bridge too far for you.  The point is that I should try to remain true to my Lines.  You fudge a little on your expense report from time to time?  I'm OK with that.  You cheat on your wife?  Across the line.  The behavior of the Keep It Complicated ringleaders is a perfect example for me: behavior that is beyond the pale for me but that most people can overlook.

To thine own self be true. 

Fact Is

"The fact is that you can do practically anything in the field of human relationships, if you are willing to call on God's supply of strength.  The supply many not be immediately available, because you may not be entirely ready to receive it.  But it will surely come when you are properly prepared for it."

Another one of those reminders that I suck at relationships because I'm so freaking self-centered by nature.  Lest I forget The Book reminds me often, gently but persistently.  Buttressed by another, different reminder that I have a reserve of strength available to me . . . when I decided to tap into it.  I so often like to go it alone.

"Painful as the present time may be, you will one day see the reason for it.  You will see that it was not only testing, but also a preparation for the life-work which you are to do.  Have faith that your prayers and inspirations will some day be answered.  Answered in a way that perhaps seems painful to you but is the only right way.  Selfishness and pride often make us want things that are not good for us."

And another reminder that Pain is Inevitable.  I learn this and forget and learn it and forget it.  Reminded that when I check in with my Higher Power my requests are always, always answered.  I didn't used to believe this because I felt that two of the three answers - No.  and Wait. - were not acceptable.  My preferred Higher Power would say "Yeah.  Sure.  No problem." and then everything would work out great for me.  I'm reminded that when I get what I want it often blows up in my face.  Sometimes those Nos have saved my bacon.  Can you imagine how dead I would be if I had won the lottery when I was still drinking?  I almost pulled that off drinking cheap beer and smoking weed.  If I could have paid for high quality coke when I was running and gunning today I would be in a padded cell wearing a straight jacket.

Here are some notes I jotted down at a recent meeting when something someone shared struck a nerve.  I don't know what any of it means.  The short term memory is really short term these days.

Freedom from everybody. (Yeah, sometimes and with some people and not for very long and on a surfacey level.  A questionable freedom from time to time.)

Nothing is my fault - everything is your fault unless it's good.  Then it's definitely because of me.  (I really can't find any fault with this line of thinking.  It was true when I was drinking and it's true today.  I can always find someone else to blame.  I think this is why God put so many people on this earth - more of them to pisssssss me off.)

Didn't hurt anyone.  Pointing the finger.  (I believe the thinking here is that even when it's my fault it doesn't matter because it's none of your fucking business anyway.  Leave me alone.)

Saying sorry once.  (I like this idea that my amends should be twofold: a sincere face-to-face apology and then a continuation of good behavior that shows my sincerity.  It hardly works if I say I'm sorry and then keep doing the objectionable thing.)

It Took What It Took and It Is What It Is

 "We in Alcoholics Anonymous do not try to chart the path for the human soul or try to lay out a blueprint of the workings of faith, as one might plan a charity drive.  We do tell the newcomer that we have renewed our faith in a Higher Power.  In the telling, our faith is further renewed.  We believe there is a force for good in the universe and that if we link up with this force, we are carried onward to a new life."

One of the slowest, steadiest, best-est lessons I've learned in A.A. is that I need to stay out of everyone else's business.  I have no idea what anyone else should do.  I can't chart your path.  I can't tell someone who is killing himself with methamphetamine what to do.  It would seem that putting down the crack pipe and the bottle of Jack Daniels would be helpful but that would assume I know what the plan is for you.  Again, I guess the world is lucky that keeping track of my wallet and car keys is such a taxing task that I don't have time to run the world anymore.  Maybe the meth head has to take the bus a few more stops down the line.  Then maybe his message will resonate with someone else later on.

I was four years into a six year program to become an optometrist when I was unceremoniously kicked out of the school.  I am vaguely aware that a lot of people tried to get me back on the path, assuming quite reasonably that my life would run a lot more smoothly if I wasn't knocking back three quarts of Schlitz Malt Liquor each night.  They were all unsuccessful.  They were all spectacularly unsuccessful.  I idly wonder what my life would have looked like if I had stayed the course.  I don't feel any regret for what happened - I'm in a damn good place.  I don't see how I could be in any better place.  So my take-away is that I had to go through what I went through to get to this place.  Not saying that if I had sobered up ten years earlier than I did that I wouldn't be in a sweet place right now but it would be a different sweet place.  

It took what it took and it is what it is.

Divine Retribution

 "Disillusionment and spiritual confusion mark our age.  Many of us have cast aside old ideas without acquiring new ones.  Many men and women are creeping through life on their hands and knees, merely because they refuse to rely on any power but themselves.  (Ed. Note: There's a power besides me?  Holy shit.)  Many of them feel that they are being brave and independent, but actually they are only courting disaster.  Anxiety and the inferiority complex have become the greatest of all modern plagues."

Lots of good words here . . . 

Disillusionment:  A feeling of disappointment, akin to depression, arising from the realization that something is not what it was expected or believed to be, possibly accompanied by philosophical angst from having one's beliefs challenged.

"Philosophical angst" ain't too shabby, either.  A good definition buried inside a definition.  Very sneaky.

Anxiety:  An unpleasant state of mental uneasiness, nervousness, apprehension and obsession or concern about some uncertain event.  

"Some uncertain event."  Also very sneaky.  I was describing some proposed disaster that was sure to strike me down to a long-timer once when he interrupted and said: "So you're telling yourself scary stories again?"

Plague:  A widespread affliction, calamity, or destructive influence, especially when seen as divine retribution.

I don't even know where to start here.  "Divine Retribution"  would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.  I like the idea that some of us might have a Higher Power that would feel the need to strike us down with pain and misery.  THAT'S not a working Higher Power.

I was an asshole long before I started to drink.  That's what the inventory Steps tell me.  You Are An Asshole sometimes.  Quit pointing out that other people are assholes sometimes, too.  There are some real bad assholes out there.  We get it.  Deal with it.  EVERYBODY gets to be an asshole from time to time.  This is part of the human condition: Temporary Asshole Syndrome.  It should be an instinct it's so prevalent.

The other thing the inventory steps do is make me look at MYSELF.  Quit looking at the defects of character (including but not limited to Temporary Asshole Syndrome) that other people have.  We get this, too.  Other people behave badly sometimes and sometimes when they do this affects us adversely.  Deal with it.  You're gonna get screwed over by some asshole from time to time.

I heard a good euphemism for "lying" today.  "Omitting."  We omit some important details when we lie.  Add that to these popular favorites: Rounding Up.  Embellishing.  Making someone believe something that isn't true without saying any specific false words.  Padding the resume.

Here's one of my favorite passages from Step Eight in the 12 &12: "Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes, including our alcoholism . . . . "  I love the lines that remind me that I sucked at relationships.  

But we are heartened by a Promise at the end of the Step: "It is the beginning of the end of isolation from our fellows and from God."

The Little Man

 "What are we doing in this often undignified circus that is life?  What the hell is going on with our ridiculous bodies and our even more ridiculous relationship between our bodies and minds?  How is anybody supposed to get through 30, 40, 50, 60 (!) years with some modicum of grace on this sweaty, crusty orb?  What happens when progressing upward, toward greater heights of achievement, ceases to be a realistic goal?  How do you respond when you've spent your whole life trying to get fitter, faster, stronger and you start getting slower and weaker anyway?

The biggest of these discoveries is the idea that physical pursuits, which on the surface may seem like a way of trying to fend off death, are actually a way to accept it.  Every day you check in with your body.  For a while you get better and then you get worse.  It's a hell of a thing to face day after day.  What's 'winning' once you've summitted the crest and begun the descent, anyway?  How do you do nothing when the doctor looks at your bum shoulder and says: 'Yep.  It's frozen.  Not much to do about it.  It'll resolve in a year or two.  Or not.'  The path to enlightenment is not always marked by grand new achievements and personal bests."

My physician here in town is definitely a curmudgeon.  He really doesn't give a shit what I think about anything.  He tells me what he thinks and then encourages me to do whatever I want to do.  He always writes down what I say so I'm real careful about what I say because he'll bring it up later down the road if I try to get away with some bullshit.  If I say I'm going to do something I goddamn better do it.  "Collaborative Medicine" he calls it.  "Evidence Based" he calls it.  He shows me the facts; he goes over a whole variety of different approaches; and then asks me what I want to do.  Which is for him to tell me what the fuck to do.  He's the fucking doctor, right?  He's a short guy so SuperK and I call him - not to his face - "The Little Man."  We're both afraid of The Little Man.  He's not into coddling otherwise healthy people when they come in with some minor complaints.  He'll jot down some notes while mumbling things like "barely noticeable" or "mild symptoms" or "... will resolve on its own."  God forbid I ask for antibiotics if I have a cold.  I go in for my yearly physical and I go in when I'm really worried about something . . . which is not too often.

The italicized text above is from a review of a book by Alison Bechdel called "The Secret to Superhuman Strength."  I gotta read this one.  It makes me feel better when I understand that other people are going through what I'm going through.  This is one of the strengths of Alcoholics Anonymous.  We're not doing it alone.

Self-Seeking Will Slip Away

Strive:  To try to achieve a result; to make a strenuous effort; to try earnestly and persistently.

Self-seeking motives.  "Self-seeking will slip away."

"The program of Alcoholics Anonymous involves a continuous striving for improvement.  There can be no long resting period.  We must try to work at it all the time.  We must continually keep in mind that it is a program not to be measured in years, because we never fully reach our goals nor are we ever cured.  Our alcoholism is only kept in abeyance by daily living of the program.  It is a timeless program in every sense.  We live it day by day, or more precisely, moment by moment."

Abeyance is a pretty good word, too.   Too bad I'm too lazy to look it up this  morning.  It means a temporary suspension or a dormant condition.  I can take a break from a lot of things but not my recovery.  That bitch is an on or an off thing.  I can eat a bowl of ice cream for breakfast; I can sit in the hot tub for an hour instead of swimming; I can watch cat videos instead of reading; but I don't get to abey my recovery.

"Alcoholics are unable or unwilling, during their addiction to alcohol, to stop existing in a constant state of remorse and fear because of their unholy past and its morbid attraction, or the uncertain future and its vague forebodings.  So the only real hope is to face the present.  Now is the time.  Now is ours.  The past is beyond recall.  The future is as uncertain as life itself.  Only the now belongs to us."

One Day At A Time is the absolute best slogan.  If I had to pick one to A.A. slogan to hang my hat on this would be it.  As long as I'm in the present I'm going to be okay.  It's enough with regretting the past or imagining the awful things that are sure to happen to me in the future.  I like the phrase "vague foreboding."  Let's leave all vague forebodings to the times when we're planning a visit to the abandoned amusement park where a lot of people have been murdered and - if we have to go - let's pick a bright, sunny day.

"Leave each soul the better for having met you or heard you.  Your attitude should be a loving desire to help and an infectious spirit of calmness and trust in God.  I ask that I may be calm in the midst of storms.  I pray that I may pass on this calmness to others who are lonely and full of fear."