Justified

Justify: To provide an acceptable explanation for; to make an argument to prove that one is in the right. 

I have a Facebook account which I try to avoid.  While I enjoy the occasional  humorous reflection there is too much ill will and political bullshit and general mendacity for me.  I do check in from time to time to see if there are any funny cat videos but that's about it.  Imagine my consternation one day to see a distant A.A. friend holding a bottle of some kind of non-alcoholic beer.  He included a long, somewhat defensive sounding post about why it was OK for him to drink a non-alcoholic beer.  He's a smart, considering guy so his rationale was well-thought out.  And it sounded to me suspiciously like an alcoholic drinking alcohol and justifying it.  A lot of people chimed in with a lot of atta boy, good for you kind of comments but they also sounded like they were justifying drinking alcohol.  One guy said he just really enjoyed a nice hoppy tasting beverage after work, that you can only drink so many seltzer waters.  I'd point out that there are many thousands of other non-alcoholic drinks out there but this crowd was on a roll . . . 

After much reflecting I posted this on his page: "I think the non-nonalcoholic beer crowd would point out that regular beer is typically 5% by volume while nonalcoholic beer can be as much as .5%. Very low alcohol, yes, at no more than 10% of the alcohol of most regular beers but it still does contain alcohol. Perhaps it's like comparing a shot of whisky with a shot glass that has 90% water and 10% whiskey.  To me drinking 12 oz of non-alcoholic beer is the same as just taking a couple of sips of regular beer.

My general philosophy about social media can be summed up by saying: "My page - my prerogative."  Everybody gets to post whatever they want and if I don't have anything supportive to say I generally leave it alone but I felt strongly enough about this bullshit to chime in.  I'm assuming if this guy was interested in my opinion he would have asked for it . . . which he did not.  The next time I checked in I was flinching a little, ready for some flame-throwing.  Nada.  Nothing.  Not a peep.  For the next few days I looked at my post which was totally, completely ignored.  Who knows why?  Although I wonder if my rationale was a little embarrassing for the non-alcoholic beer crowd.  I mean . . . why the fuck would you even do that?  It would be like me saying I found this vegetation that looks like weed, smells like weed, tastes like weed, and has 5% THC content - very low, but still present - and I was smoking it in a 3 foot long purple bong.

 I guess the great thing about quitting drinking is that it's an individual decision.

Doctor Seaweed

"Calmness is constructive of good.  Agitation is destructive of good.  I should not rush into action.  I should be 'be still.'  Then I should act only as God directs me through my conscience.  Calmness is trust in action.  I should seek all things which can help me to cultivate calmness.  To attain material things, the world learns to attain speed.  To attain spiritual things, I have to learn to attain a state of calm."

Speed, baby.  It's what makes the world go round.  Fast is good, faster is better, fastest is what I'm shooting for.  Get there fast.  You don't even have to know where you're going as long as you're in a hurry.  Nothing ever goes sideways for me as long as I act quickly and without considering the consequences.

What do I think I am?  An emergency room physician?

Full Acceleration

"God can work through you better when you are not hurrying.  Go very slowly, very quietly, from one duty to the next, taking time to rest and pray between.  Do not be too busy.  Take everything in order."

I've always said that I have two speeds: Full Acceleration and Completely Stopped.  I either have the accelerator mashed to the floorboards or the car is sitting in the garage, up on blocks, with the battery disconnected.  Back to balance, Seaweed.  Get in the middle.

"In dealing with personalities, it is a mistake to step out too much on your own.  You must try to be guided by God in all human relationships."

I can't even comment on this passage today.  How powerful is the thought that if I turn my relationships over to a Higher Power then they'll work out fine?  This has been particularly relevant for me as the Keep It Complicated group has been holding a series of interminable business meetings to decide how everything is going to work as we transition back to live meetings.  There are members who are eager to start meeting in person again, as soon as possible; others who want to keep Zoom going, people who don't drive or have kids at home or are sitting in from out of town; and a faction who would like to see some kind of hybrid meeting where a monitor would be set up in the meeting room so that Zoom people could virtually attend the live meeting.

Thank God I wasn't in charge of this clusterfuck.  East Coast Seaweed would have been out of control in his attempts to be in control.  My attitude has always been to get things started as simply and quickly as possible and then work out any kinks as we go along.  The church is undoubtedly going to be changing the requirements for using their room fast and furiously as society starts to reopen so to my thinking we needn't try to work out how stuff is going to be working six months down the road.  It's hard enough trying to imagine everything in a month let alone next year, especially since we're probably imagining incorrectly.  The group, alas, has a different agenda which seems needlessly involved to me.  In my mind a well-run business meeting should last about 20 minutes so I didn't feel overly guilty bailing out 45 minutes into the last two meetings, both times before anything of substance had even been voted on.

Surprisingly enough, they got along fine without me.

"We alcoholics used so little self-control when we were drinking.  We were so absolutely selfish that it does us good to give up something once in a while.  Using self-discipline and denying ourselves a few things is good for us."

This is always good advice.  Deny yourself something every now and then.  Doing something just because you feel like it doesn't mean that it's a great idea.

Calamity

 Calamity:  The distress that results from a great disaster.

"We know this because we see monotony, pain, and even calamity turned to good use by those who keep trying to practice A.A.'s Twelve Steps.   Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity."

I've had like four calamities in my life - and none in the last 35 years - but, to hear me talk, you'd think I was under a constant mortal threat.

This whole idea of being hard on myself . . . Where does this come from?  Why can't alcoholics give themselves a break?  When I was physically sober but not yet emotionally sober I would often leave a sales call - a sales call where I SOLD SOMETHING - and sit in my car, feeling bad about myself.  I didn't sell more things or a more expensive thing or meet more people to sell more expensive things to.  This is too much.  This is a joyless existence.  It's wonderful to be motivated, another altogether to be compulsive about it.

Dude talked this morning about suffering through some growing pains.  He's maybe four years sober.  I've been at this for 35 years and I'm still suffering through growing pains.

Another dude talked about his coworkers chiding him for being a little intense.  If this guy reduces his intensity 90% he may get to a little intense.  He's a long, long way from a little intense.

I asked a guy before the meeting started today if he lived in our town.  He paused.  "That's an interesting question," he replied.  Only in A.A.  "Where do you live" is not a trick question.  You should have a quick response to that one.

"God takes our efforts for good and blesses them.  God needs our efforts.  Our efforts are necessary.  We cannot merely relax and drift with the tide.  When difficulties come, our efforts are needed to surmount them.  But God directs our efforts into the right channels and God's power is necessary to help us choose the right."

Constitutionally Unable

 "Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  There are such unfortunates.  They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way."

Constitutionally: In respect to mental or emotional makeup.

This phrase, found in Chapter 5 "How It Works," has always made me a little nervous.  I think sometimes it's an excuse offered by people who aren't doing the work to get and stay sober.  I think most people who don't stay sober aren't doing the work; through stubbornness and willful ignorance.  I don't think there are too many people who are so damaged internally that they can't work The Steps.  I think most people just don't do the work.  It's hard - I get it.  But it's not that hard and it's not as hard as you think and there are countless other folks who have had it worse than you and still managed to do the deal.  So get to work and quit feeding us bullshit.

A few nights ago a friend of mine from A.A. was struck by a car crossing a busy road at night and at an unmarked crosswalk.  His injuries were severe.  He was declared brain dead and died shortly after his family removed him from life support.  He leaves two sons - one in his 20s, one still an infant.  He had drifted away from The Program and back into addiction the last few years.  He was a profoundly damaged man, having spent 15 years in a mental institution when he was a kid.  I don't know whether he had finally had enough and just walked into heavy traffic or if he was high and drunk and didn't know what he was doing or both of those or neither.  I guess it doesn't matter at this point.  He was a gentle soul, much loved in life who will be sorely missed now.

This is constitutionally unable.  This qualifies.

Malevolence

 Big Book story today.  The jist of the story was that the protagonist never felt comfortable in his own skin, never having a feeling of belonging until he entered Alcoholics Anonymous.  This is something that is very common among alcoholics, that feeling of apartness, of not understanding how anything worked.  Everyone I ran into seemed so comfortable in their own skins and I felt like my skeleton was trying to burst violently out of my body and run away.

I process alcohol differently than most people.

God speaks to me through you guys.  I have never had God speak to me directly.  I don't know what God's voice sounds like.  I did, however, hear voices from time to time when I got the right cocktail of drugs and alcohol working real good.  And I know what SuperK's voice sounds like.  She's sort of a minor god in our household.  I don't believe she's the only God but she's godlike.

Malevolence:  Having or displaying ill will; wishing harm on others; having an evil or harmful influence.

A woman shared this morning about joining the Benevolence Committee at her church in an attempt to be of service.  I wonder if there's a Malevolence Committee that meets down in the boiler room?  Real secretive group.  Hard to join.  Harder to leave.  Everyone's dressed in black and everyone's pissed.  I'd be interested in that group.

And Malevolence would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

The leader shared about being in the throes of a general life funk; one of those times where his serenity is thin and his ire is ascendant.  The advice he keeps getting is: Take it easy.  We're human.  We're not always going to feel great.  Deal with it.  It'll pass.  He's right around five or six years sober and my experience in A.A. is that lots of people get irritable at that point.  The easy gains have been made; the heavy god-sense is still being developed; and the day to day recovery work seems repetitive and onerous.  

You're Perfect

I read an opinion piece from a woman who was reflecting on her personal relationships and how they've changed during the relative isolation from other people that we've all had to endure during the pandemic and how these relationships are going to look as society reopens.  Like me this woman has a fairly introverted personality, preferring time alone or with a small group of friends and family instead of joining in larger, more raucous events, so she hasn't been as crippled by her more isolated than normal pandemic circumstances.  Her point - backed by many psychologists - is that most of us have the time and capacity for a handful of really deep relationships.  These relationships require maintenance and for most of us we don't have the time or the interest in doing the work to keep a larger group of people very close and intense.  She felt some freedom in not having to engage other parents from her children's school or to chit chat with the group of people who work in marketing on the next floor down.  And that this is OK.  This is OK.  I've learned to manage my relationships a lot more efficiently in A.A., maintaining the important ones and giving my self a break for not maintaining the less important ones.

I will note that for most of us in Alcoholics Anonymous we are in the position to enjoy the embarrassing riches of many deep relationships.  I keep a list of mine and there's like forty people on it.  Forty people!  Some of them I'm in contact with almost daily; some I engage weekly; and the rest may lay fallow for weeks or months at a time but when we next speak it's like putting on an old velvet glove.  It's as if we were having a conversation and I had to excuse myself to poop and when I return we just continue the conversation, ignoring the fact that I was gone too long to pretend that I just had to pee.  Everyone knew I was pooping.

This is a blessing.  The friends, not the pooping, although that's a blessing, too.  Probably a bigger blessing at my age.  If someone said I had to choose between a life as a hermit, with no friends, or taking a good poop first thing every morning I'd have to get back to them on that one.

Anyway, the point isn't an analysis of my bowel movements but rather this reminder that we all need to enjoy a comfortable, relaxed, understanding relationship with ourselves before we re-engage other people.  If you cherish your time alone or you need to be in a crowd all the time or - more likely - somewhere in between, it's all okay.  You're fine.  You're perfect.  Go with it and go with it guilt free.