Prepositions

When I first tried to get sober I thought that Step Two read like this: "Came to believe in a power greater than myself."  As you can see, I wasn't a great reader when I came into The Program.  I could read the words just fine - it was the understanding of the words that gave me problems.  That and the reading the entire sentence part.  I read until I got bored which was very quickly or when the thing I was reading seemed to indicate that I had to do some work, at which point I quit extremely quickly.

I heard this Step many times before I picked up on the presence of "that" rather than "in."  "In" was an easier sell for me.  I believed in a god already - more or less, in a vague, tortured, misshapen, punishing way  - even though I didn't act like it very often.  "In" is a much more passive word to my way of thinking; regrettably, it totally ignored the fact that a successful completion of Step One had already asked me to acknowledge the existence of a Higher Power.  I thought that happened in Step Two.  Clearly, I hadn't done Step One very well or I would have done the "in" part already and wouldn't have to be looking for it in Step Two.  I blew through this distinction like I blew through red lights and bags of weed and 12 packs.  "That," on the other hand, indicated the god needed to do something.

I choked on this understanding when it seeped into my consciousness.  This was a hard concept for me to swallow.  So it isn't surprising to hear that I was sober for another couple of years before I picked up on the insanity part.  That part came at the very end and was frankly, a little insulting.  It's not a complimentary state, insanity.  It isn't something that most people aspire to.

I read better today.

Really Selfish

Selfish:  Having such regard for one's own interests and advantage that the happiness and welfare of others become of less concern than is considered right or just.

Alcoholic Selfish:  The desire that everyone else in the world feels the same way.

It's embarrassing to admit how selfish I am.  It's really embarrassing to admit that I want everyone else to have such a high regard for my own happiness and welfare.

Coyotes

I took a hike yesterday.  I was in a huge park system very close to where I live; reportedly the largest park located within a major metropolitan area in the U.S.  I don't know if that's true but you can start at one end and hike for 30 miles before you get to the other end, and most of the time you're by yourself.  The only folks I saw yesterday were the sporadic runners drifting by, nodding briefly in my direction.  Still, the park is in the middle of a good sized city; it's hardly the wilderness.

One kid slowed and popped out his headphones: "I think something has been following me; maybe a coyote," he said.  "I was pretty scared.  Just wanted you to know."  The bastard drifted on, having planted many, many seeds of fear and paranoia in my fecund brain.

The facts are probably this: nothing was following him; if something was following him it was nothing more ferocious than a squirrel or hedgehog; there aren't any coyotes within 10 miles of the trail; and if there were, they would be smart enough to stay away from something that weighs 10 times as much as they do.  What do coyotes eat anyway?  Probably mice.  Certainly not 180 lb men.

To my credit, I continued walking.  The very small smart part of my brain - the part that would have pondered the probable facts and reacted like a sane individual - was completely overwhelmed by the rest of my brain - the parts that love problems and fear and imagined my shredded body, covered in coyote saliva, being discovered by a much more fortunate hiker later that day.

I picked up a big stick and whacked it against a tree.  I continued to hike.  I decided the stick was not enough weaponry so I picked up a rock with a pointed end.  I tested its heft in my hand, judging it to be big enough and sharp enough to do some real damage to an attacking coyote, but not so large that it would prove to be too heavy to swing effectively or to burden my hike, which was onerous enough exercise.  I moved forward, swirling around from time to time to make sure no coyotes were trying to sneak up on me.  If I had brought a loincloth I could have stripped down and completed my caveman impression.

At some point I tossed those two ridiculous things in the weeds.  Is it any wonder that I drank, being so fond of fear?

One of the things that I do when I hike by myself is to concentrate on my breathing: breathe in - let god - breathe out - let go.  This practice helps me shut off my overactive brain and gets me In The Moment.  The Moment is a good thing because I'm usually in fine shape at any particular time.  It's when I go into the future that I get into trouble.  And I'm in the woods - the whole idea is to enjoy the environment.

I'll tell you this: when I was doing the caveman thing, scanning for murderous coyotes, I was in the moment.  Fear does occasionally have a purpose.

Waste of Time

Different:  Not the same; distinct; separate.

Sometimes I feel different than everyone else.  

Most of the time I feel different than everyone else.  

I always feel different than everyone else.

Did you pick up on that nice little progression of insane thinking?  This is why I have to hang around with You People.  You People think you're different than everyone else, too.  And You People are under the impression that People Like Me are thinking about you.  Well, we're not.  We're thinking about ourselves.  Your very existence barely registers in our consciousnesses and when it does it's usually in the form of irritation or anger of some sort.  So the lesson here - an admittedly bad one - is Get Out of My Way.  Unless of course you have something that I want at which point you can Get In My Way.  It's not always going to be easy figuring out which of the two I want, either.  This is why most people Go Somewhere Else.

I believe that I was trying to make a point about what a waste of time it is to think that I'm different from everyone else but decided to waste some time riffing on how little I think about anyone else.  Unfortunately, this is a well fleshed out topic and consequently not worth wasting any of your time on.  I probably should have made that point earlier seeing as you've already read this far, wasting some more of your valuable time.  I'm sure I was thinking about myself.  I'm always thinking about myself.  It's what I do.

Being an alcoholic I like to think that everything I experience is due to my alcoholism.  This type of self-centered crap is typical of my alcoholic thinking.  While I believe that my disease colors many things it doesn't separate me from the human race.  This morning I feel a little anxious so I immediately scream: "Alcoholism!!"  When I was drinking I used this reasoning to separate myself from the world so that I could drink at it.

Anxiety:  When the brain overrides the body's desire to choke the shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.  (Ed. Note: Mr. Webster, who has kindly supplied most of my definitions, disavows all knowledge of this one).

There's a point in here somewhere.

Step10 . . . errr . . . Step 11.

Perseverance:  Continuing to do something in spite of difficulties, obstacles, etc.; steadfastness in purpose; persistence.

The topic for today's meeting was the 10th Step, one of the maintenance Steps, the one that deals with the ongoing, daily inventory.  The keyword normally associated with Step 10 is perseverance: The Slog, The Trudge, the steady, steely march toward some semblance of normalcy.  

Personally, I don't pay much attention to Step 10.  I figure that it must be a Step helpful to those of you who continue to make mistakes.  i concentrate most of my time on the Steps that emphasize perfection.  This is Step What Planet Do You Live On, Anyway?  I believe it is found around Step 12 Million or so, give a take the odd hundred thousand.  It takes a lot of  time and effort to get so far into recovery but I'm the guy who can definitely pretend that he's considered doing it.

Thank god there are only 12 of them, plus the 13th Step which is how come there's a SuperK in my life.  That was a great step.

Ironically, the guy read out of Step 11.  I don't really care as long as he read out of the damn book.

Future Tripping

A constant source of amazement for me is how much time I spent living in the future.  It's also amazing that I'm amazed at how often I consciously choose to do something I don't particularly want to do and know isn't all that good for me.  I'm a complicated guy; either that or I'm an idiot.

I spend huge, vast amounts of time in the future.  And, pointing out the obvious, I'm not actually in the future; my mind may be projecting into the future but me - Seaweed - I'm not actually there.  I don't believe I've ever been in the future apart from the odd bad acid trip.  I can't control the future, either, despite my constant attempts to do so.  And I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't want to be able to control the future even if this power were given to me.   I base this statement on the disaster I make of things when I do get what I think I want and am sure I need, until I find out that neither of those statements are true.

I wonder why  I'm so fascinated with what will probably never happen.  I'm certain I've spent months of my actual physical life preparing conversations, sprinkled with witty comebacks and sparkling observations, that have never happened.  The fistfights, the disasters, the losses of job and loved ones and life and limb, none of which has ever happened.

One day at a time.

YoHoHo

Principle:  A fundamental truth, law, doctrine or motivating force, upon which others are based.

The topic today centered around a phrase found in one of our Traditions: "Principles before personalities."  Whenever I start to talk about someone who isn't actually present with my sponsor - a really nice way of trying to dress up gossip, a particularly ugly defect - he interrupts me firmly: "Principles before personalities, Seaweed.  Principles before personalities."  

I was sober about 10 years before I finally asked: "What the hell does that mean anyhow?"

Not one to do my work for me my sponsor suggested that I look it up and then get back to him.

It means don't talk about someone behind their back unless you are completely, absolutely certain they would approve.  The principle is anonymity.  This is more important than the personality.  The anonymity protects the member who may not want details of his debauchs, imprisonments, and affairs spread among the general public which may include members of his church, his co-workers, his family.  And the anonymity protects the Fellowship itself from the indiscretions of your average vain, loud-mouthing, relapsing drunk.  

Nobody is in charge in here.