Ho Ho Ho

I find that around the holidays I tend to be reflective about family, family matters, and family family family relationships.  Boy, is there a wide range of family dynamics out there.  I'm not sure that The Program is any better or any worse than the rest of the world when it comes to the family.  There are some wonderfully traditional families; there are some horribly dysfunctional families; and there are a lot of pretty typical families that alcoholics like to imagine are much worse than is really the case.   We tend toward hyperbole with everything.


I have lived a good chunk of my life away from my family and I often feel guilty about it.  This is not surprising: my family is masterful with guilt.  This is why I'm a egomaniac with an inferiority complex.  I never feel like I'm doing it right because the feedback I get is along the lines of: "You're not doing it right."  Nobody ever admits to this, of course, or actually says this.  They prefer silences and meaningful sighs and back channel gossip and all other manner of passive aggressive behavior.  The consequence is that I don't miss these people all that much.  It's easier to live a long, long way away from them.


I feel guilty about this.


I have been soliciting feedback from my non-alcoholic friends who chose to move away from their family of origin.  Nobody seems to be very guilty about it.  Some people don't see their families very often at all.  Herr Luber told me that he was expected to go out and make his own way in the world.  I'm not under the impression that the people I'm talking to have relationships that aren't good, either.  


I have not made the slightest effort to return home for the holidays.  I'm not interested in doing it at all.  It would be more painful than not going home.  Now, if I try to maintain some balance in my life -- an impossibly daunting task for an All or Nothing guy like me -- I should point out that no one has made an effort to come visit me.  I don't even ask because the possibility of that happening is non-existent.  I'm expected to inconvenience myself but that's as far as it goes.  


I would get a meaningful sigh.

Do Not Jab Your Eye With a Sharp Stick

I took a phone call yesterday from a friend who is a little conflicted about his behavior.  I personally wasn't conflicted at all with his behavior.  I thought immediately that what he was doing was out of line but I kept my mouth shut, a surprising turn of events all by itself.  I try to remember how I was treated when I was getting started -- how I'm treated today -- and I managed to work up the courage to bring up a matter for discussion.  By and large, I didn't get any "You idiot!" or "You're wrong!" pronouncements.   Instead, I got peppered with questions that helped me explore the issue from all angles so that I could see for myself what I needed to do.  Once, I asked my sponsor for an answer on a delicate matter and he laughed in my face.  "No sir, I'm not going to take any crap from you if this doesn't work out the way you want it to, " he said.  


We help each other investigate things so that we can make good decisions on our own.  A big part of this is that some of these matters are very complicated and frankly, we don't know what we're supposed to do.  Another big part is that we haven't done a very good job of running our own lives so we don't think we should try to run anyone else's.  It's bad enough when I screw things up personally, affecting people close to me; it's another thing altogether when I attempt to screw someone else's life up.  I keep my advice to simple matters; "Don't stick your hand in that running machine" and "look before you cross the street," stuff like that.


That being said I also tell people what I think.  I stress that what I think is my opinion and nothing more, and is not advice that needs to be followed or is even any good.  Nonetheless, all of us have some good ideas.  I know I've learned things from smarter people by listening to their advice on matters on which they may have more experience or wisdom than I do, which is almost every matter known to man.


Oh, yeah, don't pour gasoline on fire, either.  I'm comfortable with that advice.

It's Not Them.

The chairwoman for this morning's meeting (SuperK, by the way, who did a super, super, super job) read a couple of paragraphs from Step 8.  She then shared a short anecdote that showed how she had to apply the principles found in the Step to The Real World.  I find the Real World to be such a drag most of the time.  It's not as much fun as Steve's FantasyLand, which is where I've spent much of my life, daydreaming my time away.  Rock star.  Romantic legend.  Sports icon.  That's me.


I'm always flabbergasted when I see that each Step revolves around the idea that I need to focus on taking care of my own business.  This Program makes me come back over and over again to the idea that the problem is me; hence, the solution is me.


When I spoke I had to trot out my favorite old EdRom anecdote.  A friend of his would call his sponsor, who recognized the number on his caller ID.  He would answer the phone by saying: "It's not them.  It's you."  Then he would hang up.


That's pretty good advice for me.

Whole Lotta Horseface

Compromise:   A settlement in which each side gives up some demands or makes concessions.


SuperK and I have been looking for a more permanent residence since our midnight arrival in The New City.  The New City is a lot more expensive than The Old City.  There are some reasons for that but the problem is that I don't want it to be more expensive.  I want it to be LESS expensive but that's not working out very well for me at the moment.  There are some other compromises that I could consider but I'm not very good at compromising unless the definition of compromise is "to get exactly what I want when I want it" which it clearly is not.  In fact, I believe the real definition makes some reference to "giving up."


Everything always comes back to powerlessness and ceding control.


Anyway, our options were to move further away from the downtown area to where rental properties are less expensive or to move closer to the downtown area and rent something with less space.  Under some duress, we decided to go with the less space option.  The problem with this is that there is going to be a whole lot of SuperK and a whole HELL of a lot of Horseface in one pretty small place.  This is the only drawback, really, so it's the thing I'm going to concentrate on.  I never let a good problem go to waste even if it's only a potential problem.  There isn't anything that I can't work up into a good problem.  I'm quite good at this task.


SuperK and I have been married for a couple of centuries so we've worked out a lot of the niggling issues that sink relationships.  Also, we don't have children.  Couples without children don't have much of a buffer in their relationship so they typically have to make allowances for the other person or sink beneath the waves.  Kids are compelling that way, drawing a lot of attention, which can be a blessing and a curse.  With the emotional stress and physical demands of the move beginning to take their toll we're doing a little sniping at each other.  Not awful sniping but sniping nonetheless.  While this is to be expected it will also bear some watching.  When emotions are closer to the surface a little extra maintenance is a good thing.


Whole lotta Horseface.

Forever and Ever

Forever:  For eternity; for always; endlessly.


The Minor Buddha has this to say: "We get stuck in the 'if only' syndrome.  If only I had more money, then I would be happy.  If only I could find somebody who would really love me, if only I could lose 20 pounds, if only I had a color TV, a Jacuzzi, and curly hair, and on and on forever."  


On and on and on forever and ever and ever.


My sponsor whacks my graying head frequently with the "This Too Shall Pass" bromide, with a thump.  When times are good, when times are bad, and even when I'm just bored he reminds me that the feelings are going to pass.


I do well to remember that it's not the stuff or the money or the relationships, it's how I crave them and hang on to them at all costs.  It's OK to have these things as long as I don't pursue them ferociously.  And when I manage to get a few of them I'm happier when I hold on to them loosely.


Curly hair?  Really?

Productive

Productive:  Producing abundantly; fertile.


So the frustrating thing about the Quiet Time is that it doesn't seem to be especially productive.  I don't feel like I'm getting anything done.  I'm not going anywhere; I'm not checking tasks off a master list; I'm not moving about forcefully and with great purpose.  I'm JUST SITTING THERE with my eyes closed listening to my %#!! breath.


I'm all about getting something productive done.  When someone asks: "What did you do today?" I feel like I should have a weighty list of impressive accomplishments.  "Sat down for a while in a quiet place, with my eyes closed, and tried to listen to my breath," doesn't sound impressive, weighty, or accomplished.


Compulsion:  In psychopathology, an irresistible impulse to perform some irrational act.  Good word: psychopathology.  It combines psycho, which is how people used to describe me and my behavior, and pathology, a sickness of some kind.  Literally, a sickness of the mind.


It's OK to be productive and it's OK to sit and watch Oklahoma - Oklahoma State play a football game, even if you don't particularly like football and couldn't locate Oklahoma on a map of the United States and have no interest in who wins the game, even though everyone hates Oklahoma.


The idea is to be somewhat productive most of the time, not completely productive all of the time.

Shhh.

Quiet:  Still; calm; motionless.


I have always had a Quiet Time in the morning.  By "quiet" I mean "in a quiet location," not "my mind is quiet."  I try.  I put the time in.  I give it a shot.  I seem to feel better as time marches on even when the actual practice sessions don't seem too fruitful.


I used to mostly pray and meditate a little.  I've reversed the percentages over the years because my praying has been suspect.  I pray at god; I pray that I may get what I want or avoid what I would like to avoid; I pray that others may be helped as I believe they should be helped.  My prayers are always answered although I don't always like what the answer is.


Today I pray for a couple of simple things.


I pray that I be the best son, brother, and husband that I can be.  This isn't always easy or intuitive.  I have some irritating relatives who don't do it right but I've learned that doesn't have anything to do with me.  Me has a lot to do with me, and that's about it.


I pray that I may be of maximum service in the world, to my fellows.  I try to be open about exactly what this service entails.  I like to help people according to my own designs.  I like to help AT people, not FOR them.
"Here," I say.  "Let me help you with that," offering help that isn't wanted or isn't appropriate for the situation.


That's good enough for me.