The Smirk

"The mind does not stay all the time with the feeling of breath.  It goes to sounds, memories, emotions, perceptions, consciousness, and mental formations as well.  As they fade away, we let our mind return to the breath which is the home base the mind can return to from quick or long journeys to various states of mind and body.  We must remember that all these mental journeys are made within the mind itself.  Every time the mind returns to the breath, it comes back with a deeper insight into impermanence, unsatisfactoriness, and selflessness.  The mind becomes more insightful from the impartial and unbiased watching of these occurrences.  Thought is an inherently complicated procedure.  By that we mean that we become trapped, wrapped up, and stuck in the thought chain.  One thought leads to another which leads to another, and another, and another, and so on.  There is a difference between being aware of a thought and thinking a thought."

I try to remember that my progression from bad to better behavior followed the path of actions, words, thoughts, and then, haltingly, on to the most difficult vector: true spiritual acceptance.  Don't act like a jerk; don't talk like a jerk; quit thinking murderous or unkind thoughts; and then, hopefully, get to a point or get near a point or get on a path going to a point so far away that you still can't see it where spiritual kindness is a part of who I am.  Hard to do.  Never.  Going.  To Get There.

At the meeting yesterday a woman I like kicked us off and I was sitting next to a woman I really like.  At one point a third woman asked to share.  She is remarkably boring; she almost always shares, adding tons of unnecessary details and blowing right through our three minute timer; and her voice has a droning, somnolent tone and cadence to it.  I can almost never listen to what she is saying.  I can't remember one time where I was impressed and inspired by what she has said.  As she started to speak the leader turned to the woman next to me and kind of smirked.  While I got it - I was so right there with her - it demonstrated to me that oh, so elusive fourth stage of acceptance, the one where my mind doesn't go to the smirk.

Never.  Going.  To Get There.