We've Got A Situation Here

Situation:  The combination of circumstances at any given moment; state of affairs.


Here's an alcoholic primer that can helps me navigate any situation that occurs:


1. Create a problem out of thin air.  It amazes me how often I can take something that really isn't a problem and make it a big ole problem.  This is why I talk to people a lot about my problems.  I'm so dense I can't usually tell the difference between a problem and a blessing.  I'm not even close most of the time.  I'm not even in the game.  No one else seems to be confused.  


"Here's what's upsetting me," I'll say to a friend.


I get a lot of blank looks and heavy sighing.  Snorting is not uncommon, nor is choking and swearing and a wild waving of the arms.  Occasionally someone throws something or tries to strangle me.  When people snort there's a derisive tone to it.  Dismissive is a word that comes to mind.


This is impressive enough, elevating something small to something big.  But creating a problem  out of nothing, which I can do easily, is truly impressive.  It's magical.  It's something a professional magician with years of schooling and professional experience wouldn't be expected to do.  I don't bat an eye.  


"Problem . . . Appear!" I say, with a theatrical flourish, hidden in a cloud of smoke.


On to step 2 (Ed. note: not the good Step 2, the capital Step 2 found in The Steps but rather the crazy man step 2) . . . Try to solve the problem or enlarged problem or non-problem that has been aggravated into a real problem even though I may not have any skills at all that are applicable.  Don't ask for help.  Don't use the correct tools.  Do it fast, do it right now.  Use a hammer.  A big hammer.  Hammers are great.  They solve ALL problems, even when glassware and human flesh is involved.


3. Get angry when things don't go smoothly.  Continue to try to solve the problem when you're angry, not taking time to pause or ponder or consider implications.  Anger is a great lubricant when there's a problem to be solved.  I find that it's irrationality really helps things out.


4.  This is crucial.  Blame someone else for the problem.  Loved ones are particularly attractive targets.  They're usually around and they're tied to us by blood or legal contracts or . . . because they love us.  I don't treat people I don't know like I treat my loved ones.  More irrationality.


I forget what 5 is.