$278

"There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept from fear and apprehension  One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.  Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.  All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.  We cannot undo a single act we performed.  We cannot erase a single word we said.  Yesterday is gone beyond recall."

"Another day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise, and perhaps its poor performance.  Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.  Tomorrow's sun will rise.  Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow."

"This leaves only one day - today.  Anyone can fight the battles of just one day.  It is only when you and I add the burden of those two awful eternities, yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down.  It is not the experience of today that drives us mad.  It is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday or the dread of what tomorrow may bring."

Copying great thoughts written someone else is awfully lazy for someone trying to share his own original thoughts . . . but sometimes the stuff I read is difficult to top.  I'm doodling around with an old pen, not trying to paint The Mona Lisa.  I have a daily meditation book that I read daily - not officially A.A. approved but an old Hazelden book that had heavy input from a lot of our founders.  The above quotes came on three successive days where we're reminded that yesterday is gone and tomorrow is not yet here so stay the hell out of those two days.   We get no help whatsoever dealing with those two days from our Higher Power.  He's strictly a today guy.  

I've said many times and I'll repeat it again that if I had to boil my Program down into one phrase it would be One Day At A Time.

I had a dental appointment to deal with some pain in one of my teeth.  The dentist was stumped so he sent me to a specialist.  An endodontist.  I thought the dentist was the fucking tooth specialist.  Apparently there are also periodontists and orthodontists, all of which sound like made-up names to me.  I mean . . . c'mon - you got 32 teeth and some gums.  You need four different specialists to handle this?  That's 8 teeth per specialist.  A four year college degree and four years of dentistry school and you can only handle 8 teeth?  What a racket.

There's a point in here somewhere . . .   Oh, yeah, I was not calm in my mind in the 24 hours leading up to the appointment.  I wasn't frantic but I wanted a good outcome.  I am calm in my mind about the past.  I made mistakes which I have apologized for and I have altered my behavior to the best of my ability so that I don't repeat these mistakes and that is that.  The future is definitely trickier.  I want what I want when I want it.  I have expressed no interest in learning through adversity.  I was not interested in having any teeth pain and was even less interested in having the source of the pain stump my dentist.

$278 to the endodontist.  Fifteen minutes.

Justified Anger

 Justified:  A reason, explanation, or excuse (Ed. Note:  I love that "excuse" shows up here) which provides convincing, morally acceptable support for behavior or for a belief or occurrence.  

"It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.  If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also.  But are there no exceptions to this rule?"

You're goddamn right there are exceptions to the rule.  And furthermore . . . are you suggesting that there are other kinds of anger besides justified anger?

Look To Homer!

 There's a great episode of The Simpson's where the family travels to Australia.  One of the cool things about making an animated series is that the world is your palette - you aren't restricted by space or time.  The highlight of the episode - at least the highlight that I'm going to highlight - revolves around the Coriolis Effect.

(Ed. Note: This particular effect has to do with the fact that water swirls clockwise above the equator and just the opposite south of the equator.  This is really an effect.  It is most pronounced, however, in large flows of water, and not in your average toilet bowl.  Most people are interested in this effect vis-a-vis flushing a toilet.  I know - I've been south of the equator and it was one of the first things I did.  Apparently, the fact that the water didn't swirl counter-clockwise was so offensive to me that I didn't recall that it didn't do what I wanted it to.  The direction of the water swirl is dependent on the location of the water jets in the toilet mechanism and not on the location of the toilet itself; namely, north or south of the equator.  So if you're thinking of traveling to Antarctica or Uruguay so you can test your personal toilet water swirling theories you're shit out of luck.  Save your money.)

Anyway, in this particular Simpson's episode the family is staying in the U.S. embassy.  Homer goes into the bathroom to test out the swirl theory.  He flushes.  On top of the toilet is a huge piece of machinery - engines and pumps and lots of piping - which clatters into action.  Initially the water swirls counter-clockwise - we're south of the equator, remember? - and then the machinery, which is shaking the whole building as it operates violently, causes the water to reverse direction and swirl in the clockwise manner than Homer expects.

He bursts into tears, salutes, and begins changing: "USA! USA!"

I've always thought that this is sort of how my recovering brain works.  My initial reaction to many things is negative and combative and contrary.  Then, through practice, long practice, a huge piece of machinery engages and my brain swirls back around and reacts differently than I would think.  It's not natural for me to be positive and understanding - I'm ready to go to war over most things - but my experience is that, through practice, you can change how you think.  You can overcome, to some degree, the inclinations that have been installed through nature and nurture.

Look to Homer for the answers! 

Free and Clear

"One of the finest things about A.A. is the diversity of its membership.  We come from all walks and stations of life.  All types and classes of people are represented in an A.A. group.  Being different from each other in certain ways, we can make a different contribution to the whole.  Some of us are weak in one respect, but strong in another.  A.A. can use the strong points of all its members and can disregard their weaknesses.  A.A. is strong, not only because we all have the same problem, but also because of the diversified talents of its members.  Each can contribute his part."

"I pray that I may not allow those about me to spoil my peace of mind.  I pray that I may keep a deep inner calm throughout the day."

One of my touchstones is to remember that I grow when I hear different opinions.  I get stuck when I only surround myself with people who think the way I do.  This is indeed one of the great strengths of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I enjoy an almost complete peace of mind as I ponder the workings of the world.  I'm free and clear of all my old debts and obligations.  It's as if an onerous car note has been discharged.  Then . . . the Promises come true.  They're a robust group, those Promises.  Worth striving for.  I have to remember that they appear in the literature as we're making our way through our Ninth Step amends.  So much of The Program rests on me looking at me. 

 You must be left alone.  You're fine.

Meme

 "Every man in A.A. is a brother and every woman is a sister, as long as he or she is a member of A.A.  We must try not to think bad things about any members, because if we do, we're consciously or unconsciously hurting that person."

One of the memes in Alcoholics Anonymous (Ed. Note: I don't know what a meme is.) is that we get better physically, then mentally, then emotionally, and finally: spiritually.  That's one of the reasons we encourage people to keep coming back to meetings - we need to flush the poisons out of our system.  Most of us have stories of meeting someone we've known for a while but haven't seen after we got sober, and having the person struggle to recognize you.  Most of us have pictures taken when we were at the end of our runs - generally not a good look.  I understand why people would give me the crook eye.  Or the stink eye.  Occasionally the evil eye.

"I knew the man by name, and partially recognized his features, but there all resemblance ended.  I talked with him for some time, but was not able to bring myself to feel that I had known him before.  He had accepted the plan outlined in this book."  Big Book  P. xxxi  The Doctor's Opinion.

The idea here, originally, was to talk about my mouth.  I've gotten in pretty good shape physically and my behavior is not bad and I've really taken to heart the exhortation to practice restraint of tongue and pen and keyboard - this through hard experience, of course - but my thinking can be a problem.  It can be venomous.  It can be murderous.  On an average day it tends toward self-righteous indignation with a frisson of intolerant judgement and a whiff of dismissive arrogance.  I usually tell new people that thinking is free - it's the actions that they need to work on first.  I stand by this reasoning.  But I also believe that our thinking - if pursued long and with diligence - hardens and becomes who we are.  If I mutter darkly about the behavior of someone else- particularly another A.A. member - then I find I believe my mutterings and bad behavior follows.

"Carry out God's guidance as best you can.  Leave the results up to God."

Yeah, like I'm going to leave the results up to God, that idiot.  I'm The Man.  I'm in charge.  I make the calls and call the shots.  Just the way it is.  Who knows better than me?

Goat of the Family

 The best thing I ever did for my family relationships was to move 2,500 miles away.  I have decent relationships with my family but the distance isn't hurting anything and my family is totally fine - I just don't really fit in that well.  I can't even call myself the Black Sheep of the family.  I'm not even a sheep at all.  I'm the fucking goat of the family, for god's sake.  It's no wonder I don't fit in.

The good news is that family relationships almost always improve.  The honest news is that sometimes they don't.  I got fired from the job I was working at when I got sober and then I got fired from the next one so it's not like the effects of the spiritual program I was toiling away at did me any good in the work world.  Same thing with family from time to time - I was easily controllable when I was drinking and then I wasn't.  I changed a ton and my family didn't, which was fine because they were pretty normal and not all drunken assholes. I think what I bring to the party today is consistency - they may not always like what I bring but they know what to expect.  And the stress and confusion of finding out where you fit in the family dynamic gets easier over time

Death of a family member is a tough one.  It takes a long time to process whether or not you're sober and whether or not you get along with the family member in question.  Your dad is your dad and your mom is your mom.

Box of time and space.  Such a great concept, being fixed inside a box of time and space and trying to understand a Higher Power that is limitless.  It's no wonder that I have trouble grasping what's going on.  I'm trying to understand the incomprehensible.  

Obviously we talked about some family dynamics at the meeting today.  I like how we take normal living situations and try to solve them using spiritual principles.  A good meeting always comes back to solving a practical challenge with a Twelve Step solution.

Canned Beans

 If you don't want to be afraid don't tell yourself scary stories.  The problem, of course, is that I'm addicted to adrenaline.  I like to go fast.  I like to be on the knife edge.  Peaceful is sort of boring.  Adrenaline is a neurotransmitter that the body secretes when it senses a threat.  If you think you're going to be eaten by a saber-toothed tiger you're going to get a jolt of adrenaline.  Because this kind of threat doesn't pop up too often we manufacture fake, implausible threats so we can enjoy that familiar rush.

I also like to be the center of attention.  I also don't like to sweep my side of the street.  I'd prefer to concentrate on your side of the street.  A lot of the time I just stand out in traffic so I don't even have to pretend I'm interested in cleaning up my side of things.  Plus, I'm a little closer to your side of the street which enables me to see your problems more clearly.

We think too much.  We over-analyze everything.  Quit thinking so much and do something.  I'm watching this cop program where the main character has a sign in his cubicle that says: "Get off your ass and go knock on some doors."  He knows he isn't going to solve any crimes thinking about things.

People who don't have a drinking problem don't wonder if they have a drinking problem.  They can walk down the beer aisle at the grocery store without all kinds of lights and sirens going off.  I'm still fascinated by the beer aisle.  I can walk down it now without breaking out into a cold sweat but it's still a compelling experience.  Before we had all these specialty craft beers I used to be able to tell the different brands just from the color schemes - Busch was blue, Bud was Red, Miller was gold - they didn't have to write the name of their beer on the side of the carton.  I don't know what color Campbell's uses for their soup or Butternut uses for their bread.  If I have to walk by the canned beans to get to the eggs I don't look at all the different kinds of canned beans.  I don't give a shit.  I don't wonder what that brand tastes like or parse the difference between chickpeas and garbanzos.