Cognitive Dissonance

I'm reading a book on behavioral psychology called "Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me). Fascinating stuff. We all think we're in control but we're all sadly mistaken. A few nuggets follow . . .

The brain is designed with blind spots, optical and psychological, and one of its cleverest tricks is to confer on its owner the comforting delusion that he or she does not have any.

Selective Remembering

Memories are often pruned and shaped with an ego-enhancing bias that blurs the edges of past events, softens culpability, and distorts what really happened.  When researchers ask wives what percentage of the housework they do, they say: “Are you kidding?  I do almost everything, at least 90 percent.”  And when they ask husbands the same question, the men say: “I do a lot, actually, about 40 percent.”  Although the specific numbers differ from couple to couple, the total always exceeds 100 percent by a large margin.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a state of tension the occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitude, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other, such as “Smoking is a dumb thing to do because it could kill me” and “I smoke two packs a day.”

People who receive disconfirming or otherwise unwelcome information often do not simply resist it; they may come to support their original (wrong) opinion even more strongly - a backfire effect.

The Sunk Cost Fallacy

When researchers ask people standing in line to place a bet how certain they are of their choice the bettors express a lot of uncertainty.  However, when people who have just placed a bet are asked the exact same question they express a great deal of confidence in their decision.

People become more certain they are right about something they just did if they can’t undo it.

Behavioral economists have shown how reluctant people are to accept these sunk costs - investment of time or money that they’ve sunk into an experience or relationship.

You know who knows this? Casinos, that's who. If you ask a losing gambler before he starts losing when he quit if he loses too much you'd get a rational answer. But in the throes of the losing, the excitement, the adrenaline takes over and people double down. I sense that alcoholics who are active alcoholic-ing do the same thing: "I'll get sober . . . tomorrow."

Venting Your Anger

Decades of experimental research have found that when people vent their feelings aggressively, they often feel worse, pump up their blood pressure, and make themselves even angrier.

Restraint of tongue and pen, anyone? As a man with a temper I share, with a twinkle in my eye and a bounce in my step and more than a modicum of dryness, that on the rare occasions that I let my anger dude out of his cage it feels so fucking great when he's coming out even as I'm listening to my other dude saying: "This is not going to work out for you - a minute of pleasure and a whole lot of crap to clean up." That's why my anger dude rarely gets to roam freely.

Seaweed: Ruler of the Universe

One of the big drawbacks to Zoom A.A. is that we have lost the face-to-face contact that is so important and wonderful and fulfilling.  I miss in-person meetings but am not willing to take the risk of getting sick, as small as that might be.  My 33 years of sobriety does provide me with some capital and I feel for new people who are missing out on the electricity and humor in a room full of recovering addicts and alcoholics.  Conversely, if you've had enough to drink you can get sober.  That sounds kind of detached and harsh but getting sober is no walk in the park whatever your circumstances are.  People live in foreign countries and small, remote towns and cold, unforgiving climates and still get sober.  I'm empathetic . . . to a degree.

My big morning meeting is full of contention.  This is A.A. after all - someone is always going to be bitching about something.  There have been a group of people who complain about Zoom and complain about wearing masks and complain and complain and complain.  It's all very predictable and tiresome.  A few of the Head Bitchers have found a place that is willing to let them have inside in-person meetings.  I fail to see the wisdom in doing this right as The Virus is really spreading but - once again - I have given up trying to run the world.

The funny thing is that I don't miss any of these people.  There always seems to be a frisson of grievance wafting about them.  They always seem to get a little low-key bitching in every time they talk although they try to hide it under a cloak of good will.

Passive-Aggressive:  of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.  (Ed. Note: I LOVE passive-aggressive behavior.  It allows me to be pissed while pretending that I'm not.  I get to enjoy the best of both worlds.)

I am pretending that this behavior isn't affecting me but I'm often thinking about their behavior, holding imaginary conversations in my mind where I deftly point out how fucking stupid their behavior is.

Once God makes me Ruler of the Universe I'll get all this crap sorted out.

$10

Suspicious:  The state of imagining or supposing (something) to be true, or to exist, without proof; to distrust or have doubts about. 

SuperK has been listening to a poet on Zoom.  One of his suggestions is to do something that you wouldn't ordinarily do.  Surprise yourself.  She has always been uncomfortable giving money to people who are living on the street, suspicious that they are pretending to live on the street.  She's been tossing out $10 bills lately.  Good for her.  We're all worried about getting screwed by a scam artist - so worried that we forget that nine out of ten times we're helping someone down on their luck.

Good for her.

Would you change who you are?  Who you are right this minute?  I don't think I would.  I think I'm pretty content with who I am.  I'm not suggesting that I don't have any faults or that there is no room for improvement, just that I'm pretty content with the person I am.

That's pretty amazing.

The Prisoners' Dilemma

 There's a famous psychological test called The Prisoners' Dilemma  The idea is to try to better understand people's selfish instincts.  We all think we're selfless but few of us are; or at least we're not as selfless as we think.

Here's the test:

You have two prisoners who both have a year of incarceration left.  You give them the opportunity to reveal something incriminating about their fellow prisoner.  If both prisoners refuse to tattle then they're both released; if both prisoners rat out their cellmate then both of them have their sentences doubled; but if one tattles and one doesn't - here's the catch and it's a beauty - the tattler goes free and his cellmate remains locked up.

The study measures selfishness in a very clever way.  There is a group of people who are so averse to "being taken advantage of" that they risk a worse outcome rather than see someone else get something at their expense.  Even though their suffering is increased they see this as better than getting screwed by someone else.

Makes me think of the way we pass on the message in A.A.  We give with no expectation of return.

"Who does that?" I thought when I first came into The Program.

I does that.

No Easy Answers

One of my good friends was talking to a sponsee yesterday while I lurked nearby, eavesdropping.  I like the new guy - he mixed heroin with his drinking and took the elevator way, way down, to the street, to utter, abject misery.  The capacity for pain in alcoholics is astounding, especially when you consider that the ostensible reason for drinking and using is to make the pain go away.

"They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself in the head with a hammer so he can't feel the ache."  BB p23.

Anyway, he has a young son with a woman who is a heroin addict and has just been released from prison.  He has been living with her mother, a healthy if unsatisfactory arrangement as it allows him to provide a stable environment for the boy and the ready-made babysitter gives him time to go to meetings and try to earn some money.  Now, however, a still-using addict is living there, too.  Sheezus.

This is not always an easy process.  Sometimes we're in situations that don't have simple solutions.  This guy can't just bail out of the circumstances of his life because the drinking threatens his sobriety but if he drinks then the circumstances of his life worsen markedly.  Sometimes all I can do is empathize. I mean what do you say?  Get out of there and let your son fend for himself? 

It can be frustrating.

Fears

I never let go of anything that doesn't have claw and bite marks on it.  Letting Go is not what I do.

Fear: A strong, uncontrollable, unpleasant emotion or feeling caused by actual or perceived danger or threat.

I've looked this word up so many times I should have it memorized.  In my defense "fear" or some variation of the word appears in the Big Book 114 times so it's obviously a common topic.  I do like that fear can be caused by a "perceived" threat which is given as much weight as the "actual" threat; as in, monsters under the bed and/or in the closet.

We reviewed our fears thoroughly.  We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them.

Yes, it's a written inventory. You have to write it down. You can't just think it.

Dangerous: Exposure to likely harm; peril.

. . . what comes to us alone may be garbled by our own rationalization and wishful thinking.  Going it alone in spiritual matters is dangerous.  How many times have we heard well-intentioned people claim the guidance of God when it was all too plain that they were surely mistaken.

The point here is that my thinking is usually . . . well . . . crap. That's why I talk to a . . . you know . . . other person. How many men of religion out there spout crap and believe it because they're so convinced that they're so special that God is talking directly to them and giving them special information that no one else is privy to. Oh, brother. This is a small minority of religious leaders, to be sure, but often a vocal one.

Some will object to many of the questions posed because they think their own character defects have not been so glaring.  To those it can be suggested that a conscientious examination is likely to reveal the very defects the objectionable questions are concerned with.

We shall claim that our serious character defects, if we think we have any at all, have been caused chiefly by excessive drinking.

They have been persuaded, and rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault by the individual alone.

I'm not so bad. And it's the drinking that made me to do it. So, once I quit drinking, then I'll be all better. "Nothing to see here, ma. Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin.' " Oh, brother.

. . . . his character defects, representing instincts gone astray , have been the primary cause of his drinking and his failure at life . . .

We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of what or who we thought caused it.

Here we get some practical advice about our defects; namely, that our defects ARE the problem. Our instincts are all whacked out of shape so we better do some re-whacking.

The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person, our emotions go on the defensive.

. . . we must be sure that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others.

It's not them. It's you.

These fears are the termites that ceaselessly devour the foundation of whatever sort of life we try to build. . . .

Zoomin'

 I was the chair for our Zoom Big Book meeting yesterday.  After the leader reflects on the reading for a few minutes the meeting is opened up for general sharing - sometimes people chime in at will or it becomes a tag meeting where people share then call on the next person.  Iconoclast Seaweed, in control, large and in charge, picks people to share; as in, you get to share if I want to hear from you.  I'm a little embarrassed to admit (but not really) that part of my motivation is that I don't want to listen to, one more time, over and over, again and again, a select group of blowhards who share at every meeting and not very effectively, in my opinion.

The flip side of the coin and the side that I hope is the most important is that I get to call on people who don't share very often and I also get to hear from the small group of people who really have their shit together.  You know these people - often long-timers but really just people who have internalized The Program in their thinking and behaving, and not just their talking.  There are plenty of us who talk a good game but falter at putting the principles into action.  Thank God for those members who always leave me saying: "Wow.  Good stuff."

I usually open the meeting up for the last little bit so that if someone needs to talk they have an opportunity to do so.  I also comment after some of the shares - I'm not supposed to do this as it's technically cross-talk but what are you gonna do?  I do lots of stuff I'm not supposed to do.  My intent is for these quips to serve as a form of praise.  I'm also trying to encourage the newer people - who don't share that often - to speak up from time to time.  The fact that you're new doesn't mean you don't have anything worthwhile to say; plus, we get to know you if you let us know who you are.  We're not mind-readers.  Sometimes they don't want to speak even after being called on and I let them know that's fine, too,  and thank them for identifying as alcoholics and checking in.  

I have a good time.  I think some other people have a good time.  And I don't really care.  It amuses me and I'm going to keep doing it because it is . . . after all . . .  my goal to amuse myself.  If I'm happy then everybody's happy.

I'm wandering here.  My point is that I received two texts and a phone call from friends - women, all three - telling me how much they enjoyed the meeting.  I got a "love you" and a "you're a terrific guy" and a "I didn't realize how kind you are."  The last line was a little suspect because I'm so clearly an amazing guy, LOL, but I took it positively.

You don't have to read my writing very much to see that I'm not a needy person - I have a healthy ego and a fine sense of my own wealth.  I also believe that I have a good perspective on this ego, a good self-awareness, that I'm some of that and not all of that.  Like most alcoholics I'm hard on myself, too, so it's great, great, great to get these affirmations from the outside world that we're making a difference, a good difference.  One of the reasons I end many of my phone calls with a "I love you" is that I want my friends to know that they're loved.

How amazing is it to be part of such a community?  Wow.