I Admit Nothing While Conceding Everything

  Will:  To want or to choose; a person's determination, choice, or desire in a particular situation.

Willpower: Control exerted to do something or restrain impulses.

Admit:  To concede as true; to acknowledge or assent to, as an allegation it is impossible to deny.  (Concede means to yield or to make a concession . . . so when we're "admitting" we're powerless there is a strong whiff of begrudging resistance - we're not doing anything willingly, even in that oh-so-crucial First Step.)

I enjoy the visual of "restraining impulses."  That was me: all impulse and no restraint.  If I wanted to do it I did it - and immediately because I didn't want to have to listen to that part of my brain that was wondering if this was such a good idea.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable." 

"I know nothing!  I know nottttthhhhhing!!"  Sergeant Schultz

I'm noodling these forces of will and willpower.  The concepts are very interesting.  The idea that I have to make choices and exert myself while understanding that the outcomes are not something that I can control and should be something that I accept, especially as I continue to see that I'm going to be well taken care of in the long run.

In the short run?  That can get a little dicey.

Did I Say That Out Loud?

 I heard this at a meeting today: "I love people but I don't like them."  In my opinion that was The Share of the Day.  I remember the first time I heard something like that at a meeting.  I could not believe that someone would say that out loud, with other people around.  I had been looking for an organization where that kind of statement was not only shared but that it was roundly cheered.  "Where have these people been all my life?" I thought.

The fact of the matter is that I care about people deeply.  I really do.  I love a ton of folks, men and women both, and everyone knows this.  It's also a fact that I am easily annoyed and that many people annoy me.  Couple this with the very alcoholic trait of extreme, extraordinary self-righteousness and you've got a real toxic stew of anti-social behavior.

The isolation that is a result of the CoVid pandemic?  Not really a problem for me because I don't like anyone anyway and now have a reason to stay the fuck away from them.  Seriously though, it's a tightrope I have to walk - I need the human interaction but, as an introvert, I really do need chunks of time by myself.  Not isolating time but solitude time, time for me to think and write and reflect and read.  I'm careful that I don't drift into morbid reflection and I'm careful to get away for some Seaweed time, too.  It can be a tricky balance.

Easier, Softer Steve.  No better nickname for me.  I would also be comfortable with Loophole Steve as I have a long, storied history of searching for them.  I tried everything and I mean everything before I got sober.  I only got sober and stayed sober after I was out of options.  

Acceptance.  Striving for acceptance.

I also heard a young guy saying that the last thirty days was hard as he took his one month chip today.  To him I say: "No shit, Sherlock."  That's why so few of us stay sober.

A good indicator of alcoholism is if your personality changes when you drink.  And I don't mean you get a little silly or more talkative - I mean if you become a real asshole.  Alcohol didn't relax me - it made me 30 feet tall and bulletproof.

Depressed or Anxious? You Make the Call.

 Worry.  Damn.  Human beings, programmed to worry about serious things like wild animals and starvation and diseases that strike and kill with no discernible  reason, don't have as much to worry about so they manufacture crap in their own heads.  No one is coming to get you, people.  No one is outside your window and there's nothing under your bed.  You're not having a heart attack.  You don't have cancer.  That siren isn't racing to the scene of a horrible wreck involving your children, spouse, or significant other.

Nightmares in your head.  Telling yourself scary stories.

There's a line of theoretical reasoning in the field of psychology that we don't become fully free of the influences of our upbringing until sometime in our early 20s.  Nature and nurture are still holding sway, influencing many of the decisions we make.  We're trying to please or even BE our parents and other significant players in our upbringing.  After we break free, once we are our own person, there are two paths available: Depression and Anxiety, and doesn't THAT sound pleasant.  Actually, the point that is meant to help us is that there is the way of inertia and there is the way of action so if you're going to suffer you're best served moving forward into your future.  

Many of us don't ever take the scary steps to free ourselves from those childhood influences which were inescapable when we were too young to take care of ourselves, so we hunker down and stay put, and this is depressing because we never become our own person.  Conversely, we can break free and travel into the unknown, do new things, full of fear of the scary monsters lurking in the fog.  

One of my mildly amusing jokes is that I know I'm going on a good trip when I feel like throwing up on the plane.  This means I'm stretching my mental and emotional wings.  Sometimes, of course, I've stepped a couple of feet past my comfort level and experienced real anxiety and, some would say for good reasons.  India, the jungle of Ecuador, Syria, are some places that come to mind and these were, of course, some of my most memorable trips.  I pushed and I survived and I was changed.

Maybe I'm using this theory to justify my tendency to be anxious.  I will tell you that I am definitely an outlier in my family - if they went right, I juked left.  I have done things my own way - work, schooling, friends, interests, travel - I have had no one in my family showing me the way that I wanted to go.  I'm not sure if I was a rebel or an adventurer.  But the end result in all of this striking out on my own is that I've been anxious much of my life.

Better than depressed, right?

Peace of my mind is gained by walking through trials and tribulations.  If you've done something scary then you're not afraid of doing that thing ever again.  Unless it really was scary.

A Jeep, a Boat, and a Helicopter Walk Into a Bar

Willpower: The unwavering strength of will to carry out one's wishes.

Will: One's independent faculty of choice; the ability to be able to exercise one's choice or intention.

Sometimes you have to just grit your teeth and make changes.  You have to use your willpower to do something you want to do or stop some behavior that you think is harmful.  I remember being told early on: "There are going to be times where you just can't drink."  There was no magic solution to my drinking problem  - I had to make the decision not to drink.  I had people to call and meetings to attend and a Higher Power to rely on but, in the end, I had to exert my willpower and not drink.

I'm drinking too much coffee and eating too much sugar at the moment if by "moment" you mean "the last 20 years."  As I continue to reread my old journals I'm struck by how long I've had a desire to moderate these two annoying habits, both of are which apparently odious to me but not odious enough to . . . you know . . . do anything about.  I was talking to an old friend once about my troubles with coffee consumption when he interrupted me, in a decisive, somewhat abrupt yet oddly friendly way: "You're not ready to quit.  You'll stop when you're ready."

I have a tendency to give too much responsibility to my Higher Power.  I don't think my Higher Power is a machine that dispenses whatever I want at a time of my choosing.  My Higher Power didn't get me sober - I got myself sober.  My Higher Power opened my eyes to the tools: meetings, phone lists, sponsors, a healthy mind, reasonable willpower, a functioning car, and told me to get busy.

Give a man a fish - feed him today.  Teach a man how to fish - feed him forever.

There's an old joke about a guy living in a house that was being threatened by a flood.  He ignores the warnings to leave.  A police car comes by and the officers warn him of the danger.  He stays: "God is going to save me."  The rain thunders down and the waters rise.  After a bit a boat stops and offers to help and he gives the same reason for staying.  The waters continue to rise.  Finally, he's sitting on the roof when a helicopter swings by and drops down a rope for him to climb up to safety.  He's still sure that God will take care of him so he refuses the help once again.  The flood waters wash him away and he drowns.  Up in heaven he sidles over to God and asks why he wasn't saved?

"I sent you a car, a boat, and a helicopter.  What more did you want me to do?" God says.

Ask for help but do the work.

Hot Stove League

Law: (Legal) The body of binding rules and regulations, customs and standards established in a community by its legislative and judicial authorities.

Law: (Physics) A statement of an order or sequence or relationship of phenomena that is invariable under certain conditions.  

I think a good nickname for me would be Stove-Toucher Steve.

There's this interesting discussion about laws and breaking laws and what we can get away with and what we can't get away with.  Mostly what we can get away with.  We're rule-breakers.  We hate rules.  We hate being told what to do.  WE tell OTHER PEOPLE what to do.

Now with the legal stuff there's a lot of wiggle room.  If you don't get caught you haven't broken the law.  There are some dumb laws, too, and laws I don't agree with, but whenever I get caught breaking some law I invariably see that I got caught doing something I shouldn't have been doing.  I clearly recall talking with my first sponsor about a speeding ticket.  Together we went over the facts: the speed limit; my speed which was clearly above the speed limit; and the penalty - if caught - of exceeding the speed limit.  I had a lot of excuses: it was a speed trap; I always drove that fast on that particular highway; everyone else was driving that fast; etc. etc. etc.

No dice.  Broke the law.  Got caught.  Paid the fine.

Then there are the laws of nature.  These laws are immutable and harsh should you break them.  Zero wiggle room.  Go outside with your coffee cup and drop it on concrete - the law of gravity takes over and smashes your cup.  You are not being picked on by some corrupt cop who doesn't like your car - gravity shrugs and claims another piece of porcelain.  

It's the same thing with our spiritual life.  When I behave badly as a person, a family member, an employee, a citizen, then things don't work out for me.  When a group flaunts our Traditions it frequently withers up and blows away, dust in the wind.

Here's a great line from the Big Book: "There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove."  That's how we are: we keep putting our hands in the fire and getting burned.  And what's worse we get pissed at the fire for burning us.  The fire isn't picking favorites.  The fire is being fire.

If you only knew how many blameless inanimate objects I've broken in my life in fits of rage . . . 

Worry and Remorse

Worry:  A strong feeling of anxiety (N);  disturb the peace of mind of; afflict with mental agitation or distress (V).

Remorse: A feeling of regret or sadness for doing wrong or sinning. 

"But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection for that would diminish our usefulness to others."  P 86 Big Book

"The most common symptoms of emotional insecurity are worry, anger, self-pity, and depression."  P 52 12&12

Worry and remorse - boy, those both sound great, don't they?  They sound like something to strive for as I go through my day.  Feeling crappy for something I did in my past (remorse) and/or fretting about something that may happen in the future (worry).  We have Steps 4, 5, 8, and 9 to counteract that remorse crap and Steps 3 and 11 to battle that worry shit.

Jeebus and Descartes

 "If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.  If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you."  Jeebus

"The chief cause of human error is to be found in prejudices picked up in childhood."  Rene Descartes

As I continue to reread through many years of old journals I'm struck with amusement mixed with consternation at how many habits that I'm trying to change or activities that I'm trying to start or moderate show up again and again and again.  I can visualize how easy it must have been for me to vow to quit drinking over and over and over and over again.  I wanted to quit; I knew it would be good for me; my intentions were pure, my willpower powerful, my self-knowledge knowledgeable, my intuition was intuiting, but I never . . . you know . . . quit.

I drink too much coffee.  I eat too much sugar.  I exercise too much and when I exercise I ignore stretching and strengthening, two things that are becoming more and more important as I get older.  Some of these notes have been on there for years.  I've taken to including supplications for help from my Higher Power in my morning Quiet Times which don't seem to be working.  My Higher Power has not yet waved a magic wand over me to change my behavior.   I admire my supplicating efforts but, in the end, we just have to do something sometimes.  I was told when I was struggling to get sober: "Sometimes you have to suck up and not drink."  There were tons of tools to help me stop drinking but none of them was a substitute for not drinking, an action I had to take all by myself and in light of my own circumstances.

And to be positive there are a ton of things on the list that I have accomplished.  And the things that I haven't gotten around to doing aren't really earth-shattering things so I can give myself a fucking break.  The coffee isn't making me delusional and the absence of an abs six-pack isn't disappointing all of my female admirers, etc. etc. etc. 

Notice how I put the negative stuff before the positive stuff?  Old habits etc. etc. etc.