Fight: To try to overpower; to fiercely counteract.
Struggle: Strife; contention; great effort.
"When you love someone, you love the person as they are, and not as you'd like them to be." Leo Tolstoy
I need to love people for who they are and not for who I want them to be.
This is another one of those sayings that I need to keep saying because if I forget to say it I find myself wondering how to change other people to fit my standards. Never a good idea. Not a good working idea. Does not work, despite my diligent efforts.
I have been pondering my irritation with the sub-group of my regular group who really, really don't like how the world is playing out right now. Again, I say: I understand this. There are a lot of frustrating, restrictive, poorly understood things going on.
Well, welcome to life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.
There is a lot of tension in this short sentence. It implies that I should/can/might want to change things that I do not like while implying that I need to chill the hell out when I find this isn't possible and, boy, is it not possible a lot of the time. I'm sorry to see so many good, solid AAs so frustrated with the state of the world right now that they're allowing this frustration to leak out into meetings. I've got a lot of friends - like the young man quoted above - with whom I disagree on matters political, religious, social, and moral but with whom I get along with fine because we leave this crap out of our recovery circle.
"Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy." Tradition Ten Alcoholics Anonymous
Normal: Ordinary or usual; the same as would be expected.
I know I'm flogging this definition to death but it has some extra-special serious meaning for me right now. Sometimes an ordinary, regular thing that is always the same isn't the best situation. Slavery used to be normal, for chrissake, but no one thinks we should go back to that state of affairs. Sometimes changing things mean the changed things get better.
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Edgy
More AA during the pandemic . . .
Edgy: On the boundary between acceptable and offensive; pushing the boundaries of good taste.
"Sometimes when I see those people who always have to have a mask on I just want to smash them in the face."
I heard this in my morning meeting today. This is one of those meetings with which I have a Love/Hate relationship. You know the kind - half the people there make me mental and half are my family. Well, they're all my family but sometimes family makes me blanch. I know this guy was trying to be funny - and he frequently is - and I know he was trying to be edgy funny - and he frequently is not. Edgy is hard to do. Sometimes edgy can just be edgy.
Unfortunately I see the sharp division in our society drifting into AA. I hope we know what we're doing. I realize there are people who think the entire pandemic is overblown and politically motivated. Unfortunately, these aren't the scientists or medical professionals. We have members who are older or who are immunologically compromised or are around family members who fall into these one of these categories so I'm not sure that suggesting that if they show up at a meeting that a young guy who's occasionally called "Angry [Insert Name Here]" might smash them in the face is such a good idea.
Then I go to a business meeting. This never ends well for me. Apparently - incredibly - despite the fact that we have been repeatedly saying that the church where we meet hasn't been charging us rent that they do, in fact, want their rent money, or at least half of it. This is a pretty big sum of money. My inclination is to tell the church to go fuck themselves. I also spent some time thinking it through and I realize they've been a good partner and that replacing a seven-day-a-week meeting place on short notice might be hard. Also, they might be struggling for money, too, although I fail to see why that should fall on AA.
I believe, of course, that the almost unanimous decision was to immediately pay the amount requested which will take a chunk out of our prudent reserve. Practically speaking this is probably what a prudent reserve is for but that balm doesn't salve my burn much. The amusing side note is that this is like the only meeting I've ever attended that can't manage to collect ONE dollar per attendee, let alone two. I tossed my two bucks in the basket for a few year, watching the homeless people pour nineteen little containers of specialty creamer into their coffee before deciding that I'd toss in a buck to pay for my portion of the rent and then give the second dollar to the treasury of smaller meetings that I attend.
Who's not getting his way? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy not getting his way?
I believe that I am an individual who should go to a lot of different meetings. I sure get annoyed at the personalities who show up every day at the same meeting. That, to me, is behavior bordering on the deranged.
Edgy: On the boundary between acceptable and offensive; pushing the boundaries of good taste.
"Sometimes when I see those people who always have to have a mask on I just want to smash them in the face."
I heard this in my morning meeting today. This is one of those meetings with which I have a Love/Hate relationship. You know the kind - half the people there make me mental and half are my family. Well, they're all my family but sometimes family makes me blanch. I know this guy was trying to be funny - and he frequently is - and I know he was trying to be edgy funny - and he frequently is not. Edgy is hard to do. Sometimes edgy can just be edgy.
Unfortunately I see the sharp division in our society drifting into AA. I hope we know what we're doing. I realize there are people who think the entire pandemic is overblown and politically motivated. Unfortunately, these aren't the scientists or medical professionals. We have members who are older or who are immunologically compromised or are around family members who fall into these one of these categories so I'm not sure that suggesting that if they show up at a meeting that a young guy who's occasionally called "Angry [Insert Name Here]" might smash them in the face is such a good idea.
Then I go to a business meeting. This never ends well for me. Apparently - incredibly - despite the fact that we have been repeatedly saying that the church where we meet hasn't been charging us rent that they do, in fact, want their rent money, or at least half of it. This is a pretty big sum of money. My inclination is to tell the church to go fuck themselves. I also spent some time thinking it through and I realize they've been a good partner and that replacing a seven-day-a-week meeting place on short notice might be hard. Also, they might be struggling for money, too, although I fail to see why that should fall on AA.
I believe, of course, that the almost unanimous decision was to immediately pay the amount requested which will take a chunk out of our prudent reserve. Practically speaking this is probably what a prudent reserve is for but that balm doesn't salve my burn much. The amusing side note is that this is like the only meeting I've ever attended that can't manage to collect ONE dollar per attendee, let alone two. I tossed my two bucks in the basket for a few year, watching the homeless people pour nineteen little containers of specialty creamer into their coffee before deciding that I'd toss in a buck to pay for my portion of the rent and then give the second dollar to the treasury of smaller meetings that I attend.
Who's not getting his way? Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy not getting his way?
I believe that I am an individual who should go to a lot of different meetings. I sure get annoyed at the personalities who show up every day at the same meeting. That, to me, is behavior bordering on the deranged.
Friday, June 26, 2020
The Sole Isolater
Isolation: The state of being set apart or cut off from others.
Solitude: The state of being alone or solitary, by oneself.
We read from the Fifth Step this morning. You know - the talking to another person Step. Yuck.
People. They're the worst.
I make sure that I am able to be alone some of the time in each day. People drain my energy and solitude recharges me. There is, however, too much solitude. This I avoid.
I share the story often of a man coming over to me after a meeting and asking about something that I had apparently shared the previous week - a job interview or a visit with my parents or some other weighty event. I stared at him blankly, trying to figure out who the hell he was. I didn't recall ever having seen him before. The thing is that he was actually listening when I spoke, a technique with which I was unfamiliar. The listening to someone else part. I was far too busy thinking about what I was going to say as soon as the idiot who was talking quit talking so I could talk.
I figured I had better start paying attention to what I was saying because people were listening to what I was saying. It put a real crimp in my lying, especially because I forgot most of what I had lied about.
One of the aphorisms I strove diligently to apply in the sales game was: Tell them what you're going to tell them. Tell them. Tell them what you told them. The implication here, of course, is that I'm not the only person who does a shitty job of listening. The stuff I sold was complicated enough that if my audience wasn't paying attention all was lost.
I also got good at discerning whether my clients were listening or just waiting for me to stop talking so they could say what they wanted to say. I could see when they were almost holding their breath, saving energy for a big retching out of critical, important, indispensable information that usually had absolutely no bearing on the situation at hand. Didn't matter. I wasn't going to get anywhere until the person got to talk.
Solitude: The state of being alone or solitary, by oneself.
We read from the Fifth Step this morning. You know - the talking to another person Step. Yuck.
People. They're the worst.
I make sure that I am able to be alone some of the time in each day. People drain my energy and solitude recharges me. There is, however, too much solitude. This I avoid.
I share the story often of a man coming over to me after a meeting and asking about something that I had apparently shared the previous week - a job interview or a visit with my parents or some other weighty event. I stared at him blankly, trying to figure out who the hell he was. I didn't recall ever having seen him before. The thing is that he was actually listening when I spoke, a technique with which I was unfamiliar. The listening to someone else part. I was far too busy thinking about what I was going to say as soon as the idiot who was talking quit talking so I could talk.
I figured I had better start paying attention to what I was saying because people were listening to what I was saying. It put a real crimp in my lying, especially because I forgot most of what I had lied about.
One of the aphorisms I strove diligently to apply in the sales game was: Tell them what you're going to tell them. Tell them. Tell them what you told them. The implication here, of course, is that I'm not the only person who does a shitty job of listening. The stuff I sold was complicated enough that if my audience wasn't paying attention all was lost.
I also got good at discerning whether my clients were listening or just waiting for me to stop talking so they could say what they wanted to say. I could see when they were almost holding their breath, saving energy for a big retching out of critical, important, indispensable information that usually had absolutely no bearing on the situation at hand. Didn't matter. I wasn't going to get anywhere until the person got to talk.
Thursday, June 25, 2020
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change.
The courage to change the things that I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Serenity: The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.
Accept: Receive as adequate, valid, or suitable; to receive (something offered) willingly.
Courage: The ability to do something that frightens one.
Wisdom: The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.
I'm always a little surprised at the implications of the word "accept." To me it implies that I'm being forced to take something unpleasant against my will, but it really means that I'm receiving willingly, that I'm seeing that what I'm getting is the right thing. I'm drawn to the constructs of accepting punishment or accepting a beating or accepting that I'm not going to get what I want which is obviously unfair.
I also like that wisdom is a combination of book smarts, life experience, and the ability to combine the two so that I make good decisions.
I think the tricky part of The Serenity Prayer surfaces in the last segment. I have the tendency to batter the holy shit out of anything I see as an obstacle and only when I've done everything in my power to get my way do I "accept" my fate, frustrated and angry.
Not the idea. Not a happy application of "serenity" into my life. It is The Serenity Prayer, after all. It isn't The Spend All Day Pissed Off Because I Didn't Get My Way Prayer.
When I spend some time pondering AA I believe that Bill and Bob and the first few hundred members weren't recreating the wheel. Most of the stuff in our literature - especially the spiritual stuff - has been around for a long time and can be found in all kinds of spiritual and theological texts. They didn't discover inventories and sharing yourself with others or the power of a higher . . . . well, power. They were more along the lines of social architects - combining spirituality, medicine, psychology, sociology, and various theories of addiction treatment into a form that made sense to alcoholics and was therefore effective.
Personally, I believe that the words in our texts are God-inspired. Look 'em up - you'll be amazed at how the nuances in the definitions really make the literature sparkle.
The courage to change the things that I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Serenity: The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.
Accept: Receive as adequate, valid, or suitable; to receive (something offered) willingly.
Courage: The ability to do something that frightens one.
Wisdom: The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment.
I'm always a little surprised at the implications of the word "accept." To me it implies that I'm being forced to take something unpleasant against my will, but it really means that I'm receiving willingly, that I'm seeing that what I'm getting is the right thing. I'm drawn to the constructs of accepting punishment or accepting a beating or accepting that I'm not going to get what I want which is obviously unfair.
I also like that wisdom is a combination of book smarts, life experience, and the ability to combine the two so that I make good decisions.
I think the tricky part of The Serenity Prayer surfaces in the last segment. I have the tendency to batter the holy shit out of anything I see as an obstacle and only when I've done everything in my power to get my way do I "accept" my fate, frustrated and angry.
Not the idea. Not a happy application of "serenity" into my life. It is The Serenity Prayer, after all. It isn't The Spend All Day Pissed Off Because I Didn't Get My Way Prayer.
When I spend some time pondering AA I believe that Bill and Bob and the first few hundred members weren't recreating the wheel. Most of the stuff in our literature - especially the spiritual stuff - has been around for a long time and can be found in all kinds of spiritual and theological texts. They didn't discover inventories and sharing yourself with others or the power of a higher . . . . well, power. They were more along the lines of social architects - combining spirituality, medicine, psychology, sociology, and various theories of addiction treatment into a form that made sense to alcoholics and was therefore effective.
Personally, I believe that the words in our texts are God-inspired. Look 'em up - you'll be amazed at how the nuances in the definitions really make the literature sparkle.
Wednesday, June 24, 2020
The Common Sense of Drinking
I've mentioned Richard Peabody before - the italicized phrases below are from a book of his called "The Common Sense of Drinking" which was written in 1931 and had a profound effect on Bill W. Indeed, you can find concepts that litter the AA literature all through his book. Peabody was the first individual who posited in a published book that there was no cure for alcoholism.
Here's some stuff . . .
On The Wagon: 'On the wagon' was coined in the USA around the turn of the 20th century. The phrase began as 'on the water-cart', migrated to 'on the water-wagon' and finally to 'on the wagon'. Those who had vowed to give up drink and were tempted to lapse said that they would drink from the water-cart rather than take strong drink.
It does little good for a man to endeavor to eliminate his habit until he considers it a sound, sensible, and desirable thing to do; something he would like to accomplish for his own sake; however difficult it may seem. Incidentally for a man who is willing to buckle down to work the 'work' is always exaggerated at the beginning.
How often do we hear that the practicing alcoholic needs to get sober for him or herself and not for the sake of someone else?
Stinking Thinking: A bad way of thinking, that makes you believe you will fail, that bad things will happen to you, or that you are not a very good person.
Negative thoughts, given the chance, arise all to swiftly. For emphasis I repeat: it is of supreme importance that positive thinking be employed whenever the subject comes up . . .
As soon as the intellectual control is shaken at all, and it takes very little to shake it, his emotions immediately take control, which is almost the same as saying alcohol takes charge. While in this condition he wants happiness and relaxation, and he wants them as soon as he can get them . . .
"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit that it is injurious, they cannot after time differentiate the true from the false. They are restless, irritable, and discontented unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks . . . "
Big Book P. XXVIII - XXIX
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
Humble Seaweed
"Humility - once a widespread personal trait characterized by an ability to accurately acknowledge one's limitations and abilities, and an interpersonal stance that is other-oriented rather than self-focused." Current Direction in Psychological Science
Humility: Modest opinion of one's own importance, rank, etc.; the feeling that you have no special importance that makes you better than others; absence of vanity or excessive pride.
Arrogant: Unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are m ore important than, or know more than, other people; exaggerating one's own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner.
Ouch.
It's all fear. The drive to elevate myself is just an expression of the fear that other people won't think as much of me as I think of myself.
Fear is a pretty natural human attribute. We alcoholics tend to blame everything on our disease, overlooking the fact that it's a scary world out there from time to time. Sometimes someone really IS after you. There really ARE bears in that dark cave.
That being said my alcoholism exacerbates this fear. And for a lot of us I believe you can find wiring problems that predispose us to fear and family environments that stoke anxiety and let's not forget that our behavior led to a lot of fearful situations.
I'm thinking this morning of a friend who is pissed as hell at the CoVid-19 lock-down. He's chafing at the restrictions. He's chomping at the bit to get back to live meetings where he can keep up a steady patter about how irritating everyone is. He's a good guy who helps a lot of people but he really seems to be on a life Death March, grimly stalking through the day, fending off one restriction after another.
I would prefer to avoid that attitude.
Humility: Modest opinion of one's own importance, rank, etc.; the feeling that you have no special importance that makes you better than others; absence of vanity or excessive pride.
Arrogant: Unpleasantly proud and behaving as if you are m ore important than, or know more than, other people; exaggerating one's own worth or importance often by an overbearing manner.
Ouch.
It's all fear. The drive to elevate myself is just an expression of the fear that other people won't think as much of me as I think of myself.
Fear is a pretty natural human attribute. We alcoholics tend to blame everything on our disease, overlooking the fact that it's a scary world out there from time to time. Sometimes someone really IS after you. There really ARE bears in that dark cave.
That being said my alcoholism exacerbates this fear. And for a lot of us I believe you can find wiring problems that predispose us to fear and family environments that stoke anxiety and let's not forget that our behavior led to a lot of fearful situations.
I'm thinking this morning of a friend who is pissed as hell at the CoVid-19 lock-down. He's chafing at the restrictions. He's chomping at the bit to get back to live meetings where he can keep up a steady patter about how irritating everyone is. He's a good guy who helps a lot of people but he really seems to be on a life Death March, grimly stalking through the day, fending off one restriction after another.
I would prefer to avoid that attitude.
Sunday, June 21, 2020
Offended Seaweed
Offend: To hurt the feelings of; to displease; to make angry; to insult.
The meeting this morning was chaired by a woman who has been drinking on and off in the eight years I've been in California. She's a very nice person, kind and gentle, a peaceful soul. I run into her from time to time in The Real World and I'm always glad for the encounter. I would guess by her appearance that she also struggles with food so there are probably multiple addictions and compulsions in play.
Still . . . .
I think about my early days in Chicago AA. People were sort of nice there. Not super-sickly nice like we can get here but pretty nice. However, they didn't worry quite as much about offending me. They didn't go out of their way to offend me but they clearly weren't too concerned about the consequences when it happened. And they cross-talked. At some of the men's meetings I went to they cross-talked on my head. I mean cross-talked like when I got done sharing something stupid the guy next in line would turn to me and repudiate half of what I said while looking right at me and saying my name. I didn't have to wonder who he was talking about. The discourse was not cruel but stern. Blunt.
I grew up with a mother who worried about everything while never getting all up in my grill about anything. My dad went out and drank beers with his friends, rarely confronting me about my behavior unless he lost his temper and went bat-shit crazy. Suffice it to say that I didn't have much experience with constructive criticism. My experience was that it manifested itself as a brief spout of rage or an irrationally cheery optimism. Sometimes I need to be hollered at.
My time in AA has been one of incredible kindness and compassion. For every time I've been censured there have been a thousand examples of people exhibiting incredible patience. Most of the people I deal with regularly are so hard on themselves that I don't have the heart to holler at them. They feel bad enough about themselves as it is. Plus, hollering is not a behavior that's consistent with my personality. Nobody buys it when I yell. When SuperK and I have an argument I usually remain calm because when I get angry she usually laughs in my face.
If I'm deciding whether I should put my hand on a hot burner or not I hope one of my friends starts yelling.
The meeting this morning was chaired by a woman who has been drinking on and off in the eight years I've been in California. She's a very nice person, kind and gentle, a peaceful soul. I run into her from time to time in The Real World and I'm always glad for the encounter. I would guess by her appearance that she also struggles with food so there are probably multiple addictions and compulsions in play.
Still . . . .
I think about my early days in Chicago AA. People were sort of nice there. Not super-sickly nice like we can get here but pretty nice. However, they didn't worry quite as much about offending me. They didn't go out of their way to offend me but they clearly weren't too concerned about the consequences when it happened. And they cross-talked. At some of the men's meetings I went to they cross-talked on my head. I mean cross-talked like when I got done sharing something stupid the guy next in line would turn to me and repudiate half of what I said while looking right at me and saying my name. I didn't have to wonder who he was talking about. The discourse was not cruel but stern. Blunt.
I grew up with a mother who worried about everything while never getting all up in my grill about anything. My dad went out and drank beers with his friends, rarely confronting me about my behavior unless he lost his temper and went bat-shit crazy. Suffice it to say that I didn't have much experience with constructive criticism. My experience was that it manifested itself as a brief spout of rage or an irrationally cheery optimism. Sometimes I need to be hollered at.
My time in AA has been one of incredible kindness and compassion. For every time I've been censured there have been a thousand examples of people exhibiting incredible patience. Most of the people I deal with regularly are so hard on themselves that I don't have the heart to holler at them. They feel bad enough about themselves as it is. Plus, hollering is not a behavior that's consistent with my personality. Nobody buys it when I yell. When SuperK and I have an argument I usually remain calm because when I get angry she usually laughs in my face.
If I'm deciding whether I should put my hand on a hot burner or not I hope one of my friends starts yelling.
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