Seaweed: Great Thinker

Think: To communicate to oneself in one's own mind.  (Ed. Note: Pardon my language this morning but that's fucking priceless.  Talking to myself in my own head.  Boy, that sounds productive . . . )

I'm a great thinker.  I think and think and think.  I also talk to myself all of the time which is just a souped-up version of thinking.

You can't think your way into good acting - you have to act your way into good thinking.

If you're having trouble putting this concept into practical use here's a few examples that might by helpful: "I think that guy's an idiot."  See how easy that is?  How about: "I think I'm going to eat that entire bag of cookies" or maybe "I think I'll tell my boss what an idiot he is."  Another couple of excellent examples that you should feel free to use.

I was belaboring some stupid problem to my sponsor early on when he interrupted me to say: "Why don't you just go home and scrub down your kitchen walls?"  He was clearly tired of me thinking and then telling him in great detail what I had been thinking about.  He was ready for me to do something.

Angry Chris

A guy shared at the meeting yesterday who picked up the nickname Angry Chris early in his sobriety.  A dude also shared who calls himself Poor Petey - he gave himself this name.  It's bad enough when your friends stick you with a nickname that is not meant to be complimentary but when you do it to yourself that's another matter altogether.  Sometimes I joke that my nickname should be Half-Measures Seaweed, as in "half-measures availed us nothing."  I do have a tendency to try to get by with as little effort as possible.  As Homer Simpson said in his campaign to become the Garbage Commissioner of Springfield: "Can't someone else do it?"  Unfortunately, it's usually the case that these nicknames have a lot of truth in them that we can learn from.

I get it in a general sense.  Sometimes I do things to keep my shortcomings in the forefront so they're always getting proper attention.  I don't want to obsess over my defects but I'm a guy who lived for many, many years ignoring them, repressing them, minimizing them, suppressing them, and I can't improve if I'm not paying attention to their forceful presence in my life.

That being said I also have to be careful that I'm not taking the message too much to heart.  If you tell a child repeatedly that's she stupid eventually she'll begin to believe that she's stupid, ignoring all evidence to the contrary.

I was at a men's spiritual retreat many years ago, talking with an old, dear friend, one of those guys who doesn't have to tip-toe around with me because he knows that our friendship is so solid that it can handle the occasional upset.  If I piss you off, either by mistake or with malice of forethought, because I'm saying something you need to hear, and that damages the relationship it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with.  I was talking about the fact that I'm not naturally a very grateful person when he interrupted me.  I'm a lot more grateful than I give myself credit for and I'm getting more and more grateful the longer I stay sober and, frankly, I think the human condition tends toward fear and ingratitude because it's a tough, scary world out there, but apparently I was taking it too far.  "I hear you saying that, Seaweed," he said.  "But I see in your actions that it isn't true.  You behave as if you're grateful."

I've remembered this bluntness for many years.  Be hard on yourself but give yourself a break.

Old Yeller

 If I was more of a religious guy I'd say that sometimes shit happens that's so ridiculously transparent that there's no other explanation than that of God or a God acting directly in my life.  Either that or it's a hell of a coincidence that I'm choosing to interpret as the act of God or a God or some God.  I'm always suspicious of people who offer up a fervent prayer to their God because they're late for an appointment and Viola! some asshole in a Porsche pulls out just as they're pulling up.  I dunno.  I'm not sure God has the time to monkey around with parking spaces in my small hometown.  He's got like a billion people in India to keep an eye on, too.

I was talking with SuperK yesterday - instead of my sponsor who, I realize now, would have been a better choice - about whether I owed an amends to the "Fuck you, Reuben!" character from the Break-Away Keep It Complicated meeting who so offended me a few months back.  In fact, I was so offended I de-friended him on Facebook, confirming that I still have the emotional maturity of a middle-school drop-out.  I should have added "Liar! Liar!  Pants on Fire" to my opprobrium as well.  That would have really showed him who was boss.

Anyway and here's the funny thing and this is why I should just keep my mouth shut 95% of the time . . . it wasn't actually this guy who suggested that Reuben do something that is anatomically impossible but which if he could, in fact, do he would be the happiest human on earth.  It sounded like this guy who, by the way, has been given the nickname Angry Bob so it wasn't that unreasonable for me to assume that he was, in fact, the yeller, yet it was not him.  It was another different asshole.

Actually, I've always had a soft spot for this character.  He fights everything . . . like me . . . and you can't tell him shit if it isn't his own idea . . . like me . . . and he's really working hard on getting better . . . like . . . well, like someone.  I enjoy people who can laugh at themselves.  This morning we had a tag meeting and after I shared I called on Bob.  I've been taught that when I find someone offensive I need to draw close to find out exactly why this is because I usually learn something valuable about myself.  Bob talked about being in the situation of having to take over some responsibility for his aging parents.  This gave me the opportunity to text him to share some of my experience on chipping in with my folks when they were failing  and how one of the things I've never been proud of after the fact is how little I did compared to how much I could have done

Blue Collar God

"Misuse of willpower.  Our whole trouble had been the use of willpower.  We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in."

Proper:  Specifically adapted or suitable to a specific purpose.

"It is the proper use of the will."

The following vignettes come from this morning's meeting . . . 

People in A.A. have taught me how to care about others.  Really care - not the surfacey, quid pro quo caring I did when I was drinking.  When I was growing up I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.  Most people seemed to get it.  They seemed to get most things.  I got very little.

I have trouble differentiating my will from God's will.  As a general rule if I really want something or really want to avoid something I don't think God is too involved.

In A.A. we aren't so much brothers and sisters in virtue but rather comrades in defects.  I like to use the word "broken" to describe my general state when I first got here.  I never liked the phrase "sick alcoholic."  A whiff of judgmental morality wafts off of that phrase.

Spiritual:  Of or pertaining to the spirit or the soul; pertaining to God; incorporeal; not material.

The topic today was "picking up the simple kit of spiritual tools."  Or maybe it was "picking up the kit of simple spiritual tools."  "Simply picking up the kit of very simple tools?"  I wasn't listening too closely, apparently.  This is hard stuff to do.  It isn't complicated stuff but it can be hard to put into action.  "Be Nice" or at least "Don't Be Such An Asshole," for instance, aren't revolutionary concepts but they can be astonishingly hard to practice.  A.A. didn't come up with the concepts of loving others more than loving yourself.  Nonetheless, hard to put into action when dealing with the various and sundry assholes out there getting in my way.

Yesterday we read out of The Big Book (Fun Fact: It was called the Big Book originally because, in an attempt to make the volume seem like a good value - hopefully attracting the attention of cheap alcoholics -  it was printed on cheap stock which was by nature thicker and meatier.  If you were going to get a cheap alcoholic to buy a book it worked better if it was big.) from Bill's Story.  It was the section where his alcohol-soaked brain cracked open just a bit and he was actually considering the benefits of finding a spiritual path.  A lot of us are very, very logical, very, very skeptical, unwilling to accept anything that can't be clearly proven.  I'm a scientist, drawn to scientific disciplines because of the beauty of the facts, the indisputable facts.  Things are or they are not.  Things can be proven and they can be repeated over and over with exactly the same results, if they're done correctly.  There is a right way and a wrong way.  A spiritual awakening can't operate like this.  It's unique to each individual.  We can get guidance and direction but then it's best to go with the flow, let 'er rip and see where you end up.  I always believed in God but it wasn't a practical God.  Today my Higher Power is a God that works.  He's blue collar all the way.

Blue Collar God would be an excellent name for a hard rock band.

*&^!! 'Em

"I must try to love all humanity.  (Ed. Note: ALL humanity?  Jeebus.)  Love comes from thinking of every man or woman as your brother or sister because they are children of God.  (Ed. Note: EVERY man or woman?  Jeebus Heebus.  That's a lot of people.  That's too many people.  I think we should all be able to leave some people out.  It should be like jury duty where the lawyers can simply reject people in the jury pool without giving an explanation.  We should be able to say: "Nah, I don't like the guy.  Fuck 'em.  He's out.")  This way of thinking makes me care enough about them to really want to help them.  I must put this kind of love into action by serving others.  (Ed. Note: Want to HELP other people?  REALLY want to help them?  SERVING others?  Good grief but we're out of control here.)

It sort of ruins the mood when I take a spiritual passage and eviscerate it with undisguised snark.

Steering Committee:  A group who guides a body on a project from start to finish.  Members of steering committees meet and collaborate to define, prioritize, and control projects. They also provide guidance to the project manager on various issues.

I was at the inaugural gathering of the Keep It Complicated Steering Committee yesterday.  It didn't look like an official group as described in the official definition - it looked like five aging men and women sitting around amazed at the power and force of all the personalities found in a group of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It makes me laugh, it makes me cringe, it makes me angry, all at the same time.  

Actually, it was fine.  I believe we're simply going to have two separate groups going forward.  I have no idea why we needed a steering committee to figure that out.  Suburban Bill and other friends of mine from the Midwest and the East Coast wondered why we had to include the break-away members in any discussion of how the original group was going to handle things once we start to have in-person meetings.  That was my suggestion at the outset: "They don't want to come?  Fuck 'em.  They can stay where they are then."  I'd like to say that my attitude was mostly tongue in cheek but there was some real honesty behind it.  I didn't actually say these things out loud but I did let it be known that I thought the members of the original group should decide how the original group is going to operate.  Why would we query people who don't attend that meeting, who have said they aren't going to attend that meeting, and who appear to have some giant, Buick-sized resentments about that meeting?  I mean, why would I bend over backwards to get someone that pissed to come back to my meeting?  Personally, I'd like them to stay where they are, resentments and all.  Personally, I believe A.A. is best served by having as many different meetings as possible so we get a ton of mixing and matching of personalities.

Because I learn from all of the mixing and matching I was gratified to hear a couple of the people last night bring up group unity and comity in A.A.  "Our common welfare comes first; personal recovery depends on A.A. unity."  I mean, it's the first Tradition.  Number one.  It suggests that without unity in our Fellowship I will struggle to recover personally.  So when I get the "fuck those people" jive going on I'm glad some less pissy people are around to make sure I look at the issue from a different angle.  Because my angle sucks sometimes.

Back To The Big Book

 "I must keep calm and unmoved in the vicissitudes of life.  I must go back into the silence of communion with God to recover this calm when it is lost even for one moment.  I will accomplish more by this calmness than by all the activities of a long day.  At all cost I will keep calm.  I can solve nothing when I am agitated.  I should keep away from things that are upsetting emotionally."

I should try to remember this when I'm tempted to read the news.

"The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.  The alcoholic is absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge."

I should try to remember this whenever I think I'm too smart which is all the time.  I like the use of the words "absolutely" (utterly, positively, wholly) and "smashed" (to break violently; to hit extremely hard) in this passage.

"So far as alcohol is concerned, self-confidence is no good whatever."

I should try to remember this whenever I'm too certain about my abilities to manage life and navigate this world.  Some self-confidence is good but not where alcohol or drugs is concerned.  I'm toast in those areas.

"We alcoholics have lost the ability to control our drinking.  We know that no alcoholic ever recovers control."

I should try to remember this whenever . . . well, I should try to remember this all the time.  I like the use (and the underlining for added emphasis) of the word "ever" which, when combined with "no" means  "never" (at no time; on no occasion; under no circumstance).

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.  The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.  Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

The brutality of those sentences need no interpretation.  Note the words "obsession," "abnormal," " insanity," and "death."  These are not good words.  These words do not convey positivity.  They are meant to smash you in the face.  These words head off any argument.  They state our position with zero nuance.  Drink if you will.  Drink if you must.  But you will never drink normally ever again.

Aphorism

 "I will try to make the world better and happier by my presence in it.  I will try to help other people find the way God wants them to live.  I will be gentle with all people.  I will try to see other people's difficulty . . . I will always pray to God to act as interpreter between me and the other person."