All Without My Input

 Only in A.A. . . . 

Now that things are opening up in SoCal the great Resorting of live versus Zoom A.A. meetings is beginning.  Every time I get bent out of shape when the personalities in A.A. are in conflict I have to shake my head and laugh about the personalities in A.A.  We are people who are prone to conflict.  We don't like being told what to do.  We're argumentative and judgmental and intolerant.  Each one of us - every man woman and child - thinks that they have the best ideas and then they spend every waking minute trying to convince everyone else this is so and if they can't they develop great, big, virulent resentments which they're loath to give up even if it makes me . . . er . . . them . . . miserable.

I took two phone calls yesterday - the first from one of my most beloved women friends in A.A. and one from the long-timer who served as my temporary sponsor when I first came to town, obviously a guy I have a lot of respect for.  The "Keep It Simple If By Simple You Mean Complicated As Hell" group received a letter from the church indicating that the facility was beginning to reopen and that the meeting would soon be welcome to return at a reduced capacity.  Because CA is on the fast-track to a complete relaxation of restrictions this reopening may move along with alacrity with more and more people being permitted to attend.

Because complication is the theme of the group the two factions decided to put together a steering committee to address some different issues: Are the two meetings looking to recombine?  At the old place or the new one?  Should we stay separate and just have two different meetings?  Etc. etc. etc.  I don't even know what a steering committee is so I stayed about 100 miles away from that whole thing.  I got a resentment hearing the phrase "steering committee."

My girlfriend is about three years sober; she works in a county office that has a lot of contact with the public so being around strangers inside is a daily occurrence; she has a steady boyfriend but he's out of town a lot in his capacity as a Cal Fire employee so she's alone too much; and she has a 10 year old daughter who has had to stay home from school most days complicating her home life even further.  She also has been attending the in-person meeting the two days a week that her work schedule permits.  Initially, this annoyed me.  But listening to her talk yesterday I was nudged to consider the circumstances of her life and how frustrating it must be to deal with the isolation when she was in contact with people all day long anyhow so what's one more hour?  She said: "I just had had it with Zoom."  It felt different from the ringleaders of the break-away who - in my humble opinion - were implicitly stating more personal, political attitudes about a live meeting.  It was a good call for me.

Then my old temporary sponsor called.  He and I see eye to eye on a lot of issues but I have slotted him into the "California Nice" crowd.  It's no neat stereotype that doesn't ring true out here - people really are super-nice.  (Super is big here - everything is super-happy or super-cool.)  I can't get anyone to get pissed about anything - a real hindrance for someone who's mostly annoyed about everything.  He has invited a few of the regulars from the new Zoom - old Keep It Simple over to his house to discuss how we move forward.  He actually attended a couple of the live meetings and was, I think, sort of taken aback by the simmering animosity and low-level grievance he could feel.  It sounds like the ringleaders at that meeting have tossed down a gauntlet - we're not coming back to the old meeting place and you're welcome to join us here.

So my guess is that some of the people I really don't like all that much aren't returning and most of the people that I really do like will be.  Because our attendance will be much reduced in size we may have an issue with making our rent payment but I can't see the church tossing us out.

All without me doing anything.  Hmmm Hmm Hmm.

Pshaw

 I heard a new dude share at a meeting this morning that he had a really good life right after mentioning that he tried to commit suicide a number of times over a multiple day period before he got sober.  You cannot make this stuff up.  No one interrupted him or criticized his share but I think he's still got some baggage to unpack.  I'm not sure he's got things figured out yet.  I'm not sure he knows what we're trying to get accomplished.  He's got a ways to go.

"When trouble comes, do not say: 'Why should this happen to me?'  Leave yourself out of the picture.  Think of other people and their troubles and you will forget about your own.  After a while, it will not matter so much what happens to you.  It is not so important any more, except as your experience can be used to help others who are in the same kind of trouble."

Well, I'm calling Bullshit on the idea that what happens to me doesn't matter, that I'm not so important.  That is total crap.  When something unpleasant happens to me or I'm denied something I want I say: "Why me?  Why me!?" all the time, and feel very comfortable doing so.  The idea that I would spend any of my valuable time - time dedicated to thinking about myself - thinking of someone else is laughable and generally amusing to the point of raw absurdity.  

Pshaw on that.

On The Wagon

 "All alcoholics have personality problems.  Alcoholics cannot stop drinking unless they find a way to solve their personality problems.  That's why going on the wagon doesn't solve anything.  That's why taking The Pledge usually doesn't work."

There used to be a thing called the water wagon which was a horse-drawn conveyance that was used to spray water on dirt roads to keep the dust down.  So if you were "on the wagon" you apparently were riding on this cart where no alcohol was served.  It seems to me that if you wanted to stop drinking there would be easier methods.  Why wouldn't you be "in the church" or "on the small rowboat?"  There are lots of places that don't have alcohol.  I personally would rather not sit on a dusty, rattling, jarring wagon riding around right behind a horse that was undoubtedly taking the occasional shit while it was working.  "Take the pledge" is also good but I don't have anything funny or weird to say about it.  Sort of a dry aphorism.

This idea of personality problems is one of the linchpins of Alcoholics Anonymous.  This idea that we have to address the root causes of our drinking to solve the problem.  If all you had to do is to stop then treatment centers and rehabs would be turning out winners 100% of the time.

"Loosen your hold on earth, its cares and its worries.  Unclasp your hold on material things, relax your grip, and the tide of peace and serenity will flow in."

This idea that loosening your grip on what is material and inherently transitory is another linchpin of A.A.  I've found that a deep satisfaction is more easily found in what is spiritual and inherently enduring than focusing too much on the material.  This is all very nice to write about, of course, and much harder to put into practice.  The cares and attractions of our material world - right there in front of me and difficult to ignore - tend to crowd in and obscure the much less distinct spiritual part of my life.

Total Inability

Total:  Complete; absolute.

"But it is from our twisted relations with family, friend, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most.  We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them.  The primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being.  We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation  with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension."

"To see how erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time.  We could perceive them quickly in others, but only slowly in ourselves.  Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word 'blame' from our speech and thought.  This required great willingness even to begin."

"We learned that if we were seriously disturbed, our first need was to quiet that disturbance, regardless of who or what we thought caused it."

Remember

 "Remember that the first quality of greatness is service.  A life of service is the finest life we can live.  We are here on earth to serve others.  This is the beginning and the end of our real worth.  All our human relationships depend on this.  When we let God's spirit rule our lives, we learn how to get along with others and how to help them."

The Groove

 Funny how meetings seem to get into a groove sometimes where the same ideas come up over and over.  They're usually good ideas, of course, and worthy of repetition, the point being that sometimes when I need to hear a certain theme or concept it seems to be repeated over and over.  Service has been my reminder du jour lately.  How am I being of service?  What am I doing for other people?  How am I loosening some of the fascination I have with myself and all of the excruciating minutiae of my boring life?

A section of the Big Book that we read had a woman show up at a meeting where only one other member was present.  She was new and he sat there and listened to her drone on and on until she was talked out.  Wherever two members are . . . that's a meeting.  His service was sitting mute for an hour while this newcomer was beginning to plug in.  It required no special knowledge or experience.  Makes me think about how I stake out a spot near the door of my regular meetings and call that service.  Reminds me of a scene from Monty Python where King Arthur is trying to cross a bridge that is guarded by a fearsome, Darth Vader-like knight, clad in black armor from head to toe.  To Arthur's request to cross the bridge he says: "None . . . shall pass."  When Arthur informs him he's coming anyway Darth Vader in Iron warns: "Then . . . you shall die."  I'm not that strident about greeting people but I'm trending that way.

With the service topic sponsorship usually makes an appearance.  I'm still befuddled and bemused by how hands-on it is here in laid-back California - lots of getting together face-to-face, reading the book slowly, with the sponsor explaining what things mean.  Whew.  My first sponsor in Indianapolis never sat down with me in person, ever.  I called him and he talked to me for a short period of time - usually less than five minutes - and then the conversation ended, usually with me seething at something this asshole said.  I didn't get the sense he was particularly interested in anything I had to say.  I don't sponsor people here, mostly because no one asks me and if they do they usually flee quickly.  It's not that I'm mean or anything, just that I'm not going to read The Book with anyone.  Read The Book on your own fucking time and call if you have a question or a comment.  Frankly, I don't have enough insight on anyone else's life to be comfortable telling them how to interpret the literature.  If you want a more in-depth explanation of what's in The Book then go to Book study meetings where they read The Book and you can get input from a lot of different people, not one deeply flawed individual

Help Me, Mr. Wizard

Help is the sunny side of control. 

"Since defective relations with other human beings have nearly always been the immediate cause of our woes .  . .  The moment we ponder a twisted or broken relationship with another person our emotions go on the defensive."

"The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were quite wrong.  To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got.  Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person entirely.  Where were we to blame?  The inventory was ours, not the other man's.  We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.  Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick, too."

"Finally, we begin to see that all people . . . are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means."

"Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us."

One of the journals I keep is reserved for transcribing sections of the Big Book and 12 & 12 that I find particularly helpful.  So much of my books are underlined and highlighted at this point that I need to make a special provision for really good stuff.  The above sections came from a surprisingly large cross-section of the literature and were relevant over several different Steps.  I'd say The Founders were pretty sure we like to blame other people, places, and things for everything.  I think Bill W gets a little pious about alcoholics from time to time, with all of the "other people are sick" talk, but he does make it clear that shifting the blame to others is not what we do.  

Whenever I'm asked to chair a discussion meeting I pull out the Books.  It's hard to screw up a meeting when I'm reading from the Books.