LITTLE Stevie Seaweed

Little:  Insignificant, trivial; short in duration; brief.

I'm coming more and more to embrace an almost digital existence.  Ones and Zeros.  Thought may just be mathematics.  Everything may just boil down to mathematical formulas.  Physics is weird shit, man.  

I am losing what is material and becoming pure electricity.  If we're lucky you're going to remembered for 3 generations and that's if you have children.  If you don't then you'll be lucky to have a material presence for 25 years and then you'll be gone, poof, wiped clean of the earth.  I think often of my grandparents but I only met one great grandmother and I know almost nothing of the people who came before them.  And I mean nothing.  I believe this is becoming more common, that the time we're present in the human consciousness is shorter and shorter.  Maybe that's the curse of the high-traffic, high-volume, monstrous data-dump that living a digital existence has become for people growing up in the 21st century.       

Talk about not being that important.  Talk about sobering.  Talk about being little.  Shit, that's my nickname: Little Stevie Seaweed.

I don't want this to sound negative.  I truly believe that I'm important and that I'm making a difference and that I'm loved and appreciated but I also believe that Here Today, Gone Tomorrow is a no bullshit aphorism.  No one is interested in my stuff or my shit or my story.  I try to make a difference today with no illusion that any difference I make is going to hang around for any length of time.  

I can't escape the feeling that this does sound negative.  Actually, I find it very freeing.  It gives me a ton of perspective.  It helps me get right-sized instead of living in this weirdly massive self-important self-image I have in my mind.

I'm Not The Plan Maker

9/5/07: 
1. My back is not that bad.
2. Be grateful for what you have - make a list.  (Ed. Note: I believe this is called a Gratitude List, the most famous of all A.A. lists.  The entry makes it sound like I just invented it.)
3. Do the best you can and be satisfied with that.
4. Why are you drinking coffee?

10/21/07:
1.  This is what life is.  Get off life's back.
2.  Be in the minute. (Ed. Note:  I believe this is a variation on One Day At A Time, which I did not come up with.) 
3.  Work on the meditation.  (Ed. Note: I believe this is the 11th Step.  I did not come up with this, either.)
4. Quit trying to make life more than it is.  (Ed. Note: I don't know what this means.)

I'm not sure what I learned in the month between these two entries.

Life unfolds so beautifully if I give it a chance which I don't like to do, apparently.  I prefer picking up a sledgehammer and trying to bash it into submission.  I want to mold life into a shape and form of my choosing.  I try to ignore the fact that the I know that the Plan Maker ain't me.  It has been a long and strange journey, but life does make sense from time to time.  A little bit.  Sometimes.  I see that there is some kind of logical plan unfolding.  My goal is to quit fighting it.  I try to find my place in the logical plan.

Gimme That PlayStation

Prayer:  A practice of communicating with one's god; a request, a petition.

So the point is that if I'm praying I should be asking, not telling.  I'm not great at asking but I'm quite good at telling.  Another good word for prayer is supplication which is defined as a humble request.

"We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only.  We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped.  We are careful never (Ed. Note: NEVER) to pray for our own selfish ends."  P 87 BB.

Others:  Other people.  (Ed. Note: Grrrrrr.)

"Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities.  'How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done.'  We can exercise our thoughts along these lines all we wish.  It is the proper use of the will."  P 85 BB

So when I add the qualifier "if it be your will" to my prayers I find that I've gotten increasingly comfortable with the asking for a specific thing.  I used to think this is selfish and that's probably because it is selfish.  However, I also believe that asking for something is a way for me to show my humility.  I'm not demanding it anymore, just asking for it.  It is a statement of powerlessness and a recognition of where the power lies.  I don't think my higher power is angry with me when I ask for a specific outcome as long as I try to remember that the wisdom of the answer is in his hands.  That's the "this is out of my control" part of the prayer.

Ask, don't demand, but ask.  Sometimes you get the PlayStation.

Being of Service Takes Many Forms

I received a text from my sister asking for some of my perspective and wisdom on life.  She has had a tough few years what with the death of our parents and her mother-in-law, a job loss, children going to college or at least trying to go in the midst of the pandemic.

First of all, the fact that anyone thinks I'm serene and wise is a miracle.  When I was running and gunning no one was coming to me for counsel.  They were backing away holding strings of garlic and wooden crosses.  When someone says something like that I turn around to see if there's someone standing behind me.  Anyway, my response . . .  

So . . . . 

I'm not sure I've got any great insight here that doesn't sound preachy or unrealistic.  My old AA sponsor used to say (he was 20 years older than me): "Steve-O, at my age I go to a lot more funerals than christenings."  Death is inevitable and death is best included as part of life.  It shouldn't be scary or avoided.  It's coming for all of us.

Have you ever considered or investigated any Grief Groups?  I attended two of them out here for about 6 months after dad died and found them extraordinarily helpful (one was at a non-denominational local church and was run by a retired shrink, the other was at the local hospice.)  The groups helped me come to terms with loss, with the understanding that sometimes things change and they're never going back to the "way they used to be" and they helped me understand that grief is an individual thing.  It takes what it takes.  There isn't a right way or a wrong way to go about it.  Some people are very emotional, some more reserved.  Some get hit hard right away, some feel the pain later.  The important thing is to embrace it and go through it.  

As Lloyd Braun from Seinfeld said: "Serenity now - insanity later."  The idea in his case was that if you don't honestly face the reality of your life it's going to eat your head from the inside out.  It's fine to look on the bright side of things unless something really is wrong.

I like the story of the farmer emerging from his storm cellar in the aftermath of a tornado and viewing the wreckage of his house: "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma.  Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"  Big Book P 82.  Yeah, well, positive thinking only makes sense some of the time.  Unless your house is now kindling.

I also saw a psychiatrist for about 15 sessions.  I found this very helpful, too.  I was OK after mom and my sponsor died and I was OK after dad died for about 3 months (being so busy as the executor of the estate helped distract me) and then I started having episodes of anxiety that began to develop into  panic attacks.  The groups and the counselor and AA all got me squared away but it wasn't a quick process.

You might find this list of stressors helpful - they vary from source to source but there's a ton of agreement.

1. Death of a spouse (or child): 100
2. Divorce: 73
3. Marital separation: 65
4. Imprisonment: 63
5. Death of a close family member: 63
6. Personal injury or illness: 53
7. Marriage: 50
8. Dismissal from work: 47
9. Marital reconciliation: 45
10. Retirement: 45

I've also learned that stress comes in all kinds of forms.   Financial stuff is never fun.  I will say that having both of your children leave for school and edging up on 60 (sorry, sister, here it comes and it's a big one) are both going to get at your insides.  I had 33 years of sobriety this week.  Where did the time go?  I'm in my second year of social security and I'm going to qualify for fucking MEDICARE in 15 months.  Take that!

AA really stresses staying in the moment - how are things right now? - and doing what's in front of you, doing the next right thing, the next indicated thing.

The future is tricky.  I try to stay out of the future.  I have no control over the future.  The future often/usually/always works out a little differently than I think it's going to.  I lean on my faith to believe that all will work out for the best in the long run.  That doesn't mean that I'm going to get what I want or avoid what I don't want but that my god has a good plan for me.

Alcoholics Anonymous has been a powerful tool for me.  I wish I didn't have to go through the misery I went through to get sober but it has given me a faith in a higher power, a solid practice in prayer and meditation, a great, great social network of men and women with whom I share everything (isolation is a crippling force), a sense that I'm ultimately going to be taken care of while not escaping the ups and downs of life.

When you think of mom and dad remember what Homer says: "A parent's worst nightmare is to die before their children."

Happiness

"Happiness consists not of having, but of being, not of possessing, but of enjoying.  It is the warm glow of a heart at peace with itself.  Absolute, perfect, continuous happiness in life, is impossible for the human.  Happiness is paradoxical because it may coexist with trial, sorrow, and poverty.  It is the gladness of the heart, - rising superior to all conditions.

Place other things higher than your own happiness and it will surely come to you.  The basis of happiness is the love of something outside of self.

Life is not something to be lived through; it is something to be lived up to.  It is a privilege, not a penal servitude of so many decades on earth.

Unhappiness is the hunger to get; happiness is the hunger to give.  If the individual should set out for a single day to give Happiness, to make life happier, brighter and sweeter, not for himself, but for others, he would find a wondrous revelation of what Happiness really is.

These quotes are from an editor/writer named William George Jordan who was sort of an early Self-Help book writer in the late 1800s.  I find some of the writing too flowery and pompous for my tastes but I'm always amazed at how basic spiritual principles are found everywhere, over and over again.  One of my mildly amusing musings is to tell people: "If you want to be really happy think about yourself all day."  

Doesn't work folks.  If you don't believe me read some W.G. Jordan.

Meetings

 I attended an Ohio meeting this morning, one that I was a regular at for many years.  It made me laugh the difference between the general tenor of the sharing and the comportment of the attendees.  Don't get me wrong - the Alcoholics Anonymous in California is great and just perfect and so is the AA in Ohio.  I'm not complaining or judging . . . for a change.  I tried that once after we moved from Chicago to Cincinnati - I was grousing about how much better AA was in Chicago during a visit back there and was handed my severed head on a silver platter by some old-timers.  I don't do that anymore.

In CA we call milestones "birthdays."  At in-person meetings the birthday boy or girl is serenaded with Happy Birthday, in a horribly mumbling and off-key way, and is actually given a cake, a fucking birthday cake, often delivered by sort of a posse of the people who are instrumental in his or her sobriety.  I have so far refused this honorific, choosing instead this very nice mentally challenged lady who has severe hearing problems but comes early every meeting to set the room up.  SHE is the only one I'll "take a cake" from.  The coup de grace is that, after extinguishing the candles, one is expected to tell "how they did it," to give a little speech, to hog the spotlight for a few minutes.  As if I have any fucking idea how I did it.

In Ohio you get to announce your "anniversary" for an entire week but that's it - no cake, no posse, no speech, no song.  You get a "coin" instead of a "chip."  So this morning I chimed in with my 33 years - or, as a visitor from Ireland told me on Thursday: Tirty-Tree - and . . . that was that.  Crickets.  Blank stares.  Nobody, not one person, made even the briefest mention during the course of the meeting.

I'm amused at the regional differences in the 7 different states in which I've lived.  Ohio is very Midwest - people tend not to call attention to themselves.  It's bad form.  In California, home of the movie star, the rock stars, Big Personalities are rampant.  You can even see this in the meetings, which are generally much larger than in the Midwest and tend to have a group of Big Personalities who seem to be the behind the scenes puppet masters.

I do like getting a breakfast cake, though.  The pandemic has screwed me out of my fucking breakfast cake.

Stretched Out Neckhole

Been attending some meetings on the 9th Step.  The face-to-face, I'm-going-to-do-better Step.

Apology: A regretful acknowledgement of an offense or a failure.

Amends: Compensate or make up for a wrongdoing. 

Both of these are important.  I believe that part of the 9th Step process is the uncomfortable face-to-face "I'm sorry."  This makes the Step personal.  It makes it a lot harder.  It also makes me aware of all the empty, meaningless "I'm sorries" I trotted out when I was drinking.  What I meant was more along the lines of "I'm sorry I got caught.  I'm sorry that I'm feeling miserable right now."  Beyond that I wasn't sorry for shit.  It's revealing that the definition of an apology indicates that it's just an acknowledgement of the offense and that includes the word "regretful."  A feeling of regret reminds me of not being able to attend a wedding because you'll be out of town.  It's a mild, spineless, gutless word.

There's a Seinfeld episode where George Costanza thought he was due an amends from a character who was working on Step 9.  This guy had refused to let George borrow a cashmere sweater because he was afraid that it would be stretched out.  Instead of a heartfelt and sincere apology he got this: "I'm sorry I was worried that your somewhat large and bulbous head was going to stretch out the neck hole of my finely knit sweater."  That was my kind of amends right there.

The rubber really hits the road with the changing the behavior part of the Step, the living differently part.  It's not a very effective apology if you simply keep doing the offensive thing.  This part doesn't sing until you do the face-to-face thing  . . .  which is hollow unless you change your behavior.

I think I'm trapped in another maze of circular logic so I just do both of them.