I Advise You Not to Give Advice

Advice:        An opinion recommended or offered, as worthy to be followed.
Opinion:      A subjective belief, judgment, or perspective that a person has formed about a topic, issue, person, or thing.

I note that opinion is not fact.  In fact, subjective means based on a person's feelings or intuition and not on observation or reasoning.

Nobody wants my advice.  Even if someone says they want my advice they still don't want my advice.  They want confirmation that I agree with whatever they're thinking or doing.  There aren't many healthy people who want to be told what to do, particularly not from some hipster doofus in a pork pie hat.

Why is this so hard for me to grasp?   I have a good friend who's pursuing his happiness in ways that seem counter-productive to me.  We talk frequently and I have to remember that the last thing I should do is explain to him how and why he could do it better.  His life is his own to live.  I don't know what's best for me.  Why would I think I know what's best for you?

The Bonker and The Bonkee

Promptly:  Acting quickly; without delay; both soon and quickly.

Annoying Step 10 asks that we correct any problems with our behavior as quickly as possible.  It's a very irritating Step, especially for one who has so few faults.  One of my main justifications for trying to behave properly is avoiding the face-to-face amend.  I hate admitting that I'm at fault.

When we returned to the ship after my interaction with the backpack-bonked guy, well along in our discussion of who was at fault and who should have known better and who needed to clean up my . . . er, his . . . side of the street, we stopped by the dining room to have lunch outside.  As I walked through the sliding doors who should I see sitting a couple of tables over?  I avoided eye contact and set the allegedly offending backpack down at a table, all the while pondering the amend I knew I had to make.  Our only exemption to an apology is if it would hurt someone else.  Personal humiliation doesn't fall into the category of "someone else."  Besides I had already hurt this guy.  Allegedly.

So I walk over to his table and say: "How is your head doing?"  In retrospect this was a piss-poor apology because I didn't . . . you know . . . apologize.

Still holding his cutlery he looked up and stared at me.  I thought that he didn't hear what I said or he was having trouble placing me so I repeated my non-apology, and he continued to stare.   It dawned on me, as I stood there stupidly,  that I was witnessing in the flesh the manifestation of the phrase "if looks could kill."  His wife jumped in and told me that everything was fine, dismissing me from their presence.  The bonkee continued to stare, head frozen in place, knife and fork suspended above his plate.  I walked back to my table and ate my lunch.

I dislike learning painful lessons.  I avoid these tasks, believing painful lessons are best learned by watching other people in pain solve their problems.  But my Higher Power uses a tremendous sense of humor to help me power through the discomfort.  The cruise ship had 650 guests and 450 crew members - 1100 people if you do the math.  By the end of the cruise I would still walk by people that I didn't recall ever seeing.  The dude who vexed me and his wife?  I couldn't open the door to our room without running into him.  He seemed to have undergone some type of cloning procedure because that guy was everywhere.

I had, however, completely made my way through the amend process and I was at peace.  That's one of our blessings - admitting a fault without expectation.  I apologized - sort of - and I was done with it.  Bonkee clearly was not.

Year of the Pig

I notice that today is the Lunar New Year.  Year of the Pig, baby.

Here's what progress looks like when you put all progress on hiatus . . . 

SuperK and I went on our first cruise in January.  Let's say that it was a lot more fun than I would have expected but not fun enough to jump right back on a cruise.  We were a little younger than the average cruise person (or Cruiser) and a lot more mobile.  Plus the entertainment was either Lawrence Welk-ish or Henny Youngman-esque.  In other words they didn't have a Black Sabbath themed party at any point.

The Cruisers were generally privileged North Americans.  I'm pretty privileged but these people were goddam privileged - so there was a lot of bitching about stuff that didn't seem to be that important.  This was a slightly irritating background buzz as a general rule although from time to time it increased in pitch and intensity, trying my already questionable patience in the best of times, non-existent patience after a couple of weeks without a meeting.

We were on a tour bus during one shore excursion, sitting right behind a couple we had already heard doing a lot of bitching about the cruise in general while they were adding some specific bitching about life on the bus.  When we arrived at our destination I stood up to retrieve my light backpack from the overhead shelf.  The guy, still seated, turns to me and says quite clearly: "Try to do a better job getting that down than you did putting it up - you hit me in the head."

As a general rule stuff like this doesn't bother me.  I'm pretty low-key and I don't care what someone else thinks of me.  My typical response to a dick like this would be to apologize and move on with my day.  I've learned how helpful it is to pause a beat, remembering my favorite phrase "restraint of tongue and pen."

So I paused a beat.   I paused several more beats.  I pondered the making of amends and the sleeping well at night.  Then I leaned over him and said quite clearly: "How'd I do?"  I was aware that this wasn't going to fall into the category of Good Behavior but I did it anyhow.

He was incensed.

My wife heard the entire exchange.  She, too, thought this guy was a dick and that he got the response he deserved.

Here's the thing about trying to lead a spiritual life: it's not about anyone else.  It's about me.  It's about me behaving well.  I don't get to roll around in the rhetorical gutter and still feel good about myself.  So SuperK and I started in on this process of balance and perspective.

We start with "he's a dick and he got what he deserved."
We move to "he's a dick but I should have kept my mouth closed."
We speculate on his life: maybe he's sick or in pain or just lost a child or good friend to cancer.  Maybe his dad beat the hell out of him when he was young.  

You never know what someone is dealing with.  This is why I have to go the extra mile to behave well.  I'm the one with The Program.  I have an incredible support network to help me deal with the vagaries of life.

Confirmation Bias

Confirmation bias:   The tendency to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms one's preexisting beliefs or hypotheses.  It is a type of cognitive bias and a systematic error of inductive reasoning.

I hate it when a definition that interests me leads to a whole bunch of alien concepts that I really need to look up.  I feel the potential for a bog-like result.  Nonetheless, inductive reasoning is based on the idea that one investigates the worth of a premise by collecting facts and then deciding whether there is a strong or weak probability that the premise is true.  As opposed to deductive reasoning where an individual collects information - true or otherwise - and uses it to confirm what one already believes.

Think this is going on in our society right now?  

It reminds me of my old alcoholic behavior where I would surround myself with other drunks  and bury myself deeply beneath their self-destructive self-justification.  There we were, sucking on bongs and sucking down beers, congratulating ourselves on our wisdom and consoling one another about the injustices that life was bouncing off of our flushed foreheads.

No more, my friends. 

Back In The Saddle Again

So . . . I've been traveling again without a lot of access to The Fellowship.  This means a lot of fond reflection of all the good and wonderful things about my regular meetings.  I've been home for a couple of weeks again, re-engaged with my people.  That's about long enough to get the Resentment Machine fired up and in fine working order.

Actually, it has been great.  If the choice is meetings or no meetings there's going to be a clear winner.

At my morning meeting today (why does that always sound so ominous when I'm typing it?  In the interest of honesty I should simply say "I'm going to start bitching about my morning meeting" instead of using such a casual, conversational tone) we had a bit of an uproar with a probably homeless, certainly mentally ill member of the group.  She's pretty regular and awfully polite - when she occasionally shares she generally makes sense, more or less, and doesn't take up too much of everyone's time.  Today was the exception - she was disruptive and off-topic - but our group secretary handled the situation with dignity and kindness and we soldiered on, a few feathers ruffled but everyone calm after things settled down.

This wasn't a teaching moment for me although I was learn something later.  A few of us have been talking about making a format change to the meeting to eliminate this kind of incident.  We realize this is going to be controversial, that most people hate change, but really feel that we are . . . you know . . . fucking right.   One of these people - a friend of mine - was sitting behind me and made a demeaning crack that was clearly audible to a lot of people when one of our more . . . ahem . . . irritating members shared.  Again.  For the 2,894th day in a row.  He's a Legend in his own mind yet he does manage to annoy a lot of folks in the meeting.

In a hypothetical world I would have laughed.  I don't like the Legend guy who shares every day - he's brutally coarse and quite the racist.  Normally I avoid him like he's sick and catching, and if he started going somewhere else every day, for ever and ever, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.  I'm polite and I'd help him out in a pinch, but I keep my distance.

So here's the rub: a newish guy approached me after the meeting and asked for my advice.  He has been talking to a brand new guy - a dude struggling to simply stay sober - who really likes the message from the Legend Guy.  The Legend Guy is fiercely anti-religious and anti-god, which appeals to members who struggle with the Higher Power thing.  As you can imagine the demeaning quip about him - in direct earshot of the struggling guy - didn't make The Fellowship come across as too tolerant and loving.

So where does that leave me?  Do I stay on the team of The Quipper to get my format change voted in?  Or do I suggest that we add something to the meeting format suggesting that maybe we should make sure that we keep our snarky ad libs to a minimum?  Who's right here, and who's wrong?  What exactly needs to be changed?

HATE and love

Hate:  Abhor; abominate; despise; detest; loath.
Love: Affectionate, benevolent care or concern for other people or beings, and for their well-being.

My go-to dictionary is Wikipedia.  I was quite amused to find a mountain of definitions for hate and almost nothing for love.  In fact, Wikipedia didn't even have a section listing synonyms for love.  They threw in the towel.  They seemed to be saying: "Ah, we don't know what it means, either.  Leave us alone."

There are a lot of anecdotal accounts about word usage in different cultures.  For instance, Eskimos have tons of words for "snow" but very few for "hot."  I bet they have a lot more definitions than a Bedouin tribe living in the Sahara, a group that probably has a million ways to describe "sandstorm."

This doesn't seem to be a great reflection on our culture.  "I DESPISE you" packs a wallop; "My attitude toward you is benevolent" is weak.  I was trying to figure out how I would define love recently - I couldn't come up with a snappy one word.  All of my definitions were long-winded and labored.

I realize I have written about my sponsor Kenner and the messages he passed along to me when he was dying of cancer a few years back.  I spoke to him every day for a couple of months, the conversations getting more and more esoteric as time marched on.  I chalk some of this up to the cancer overwhelming his systems and the rest up to the sedatives he was taking to alleviate the pain.  He began to talk a lot about God and love; in fact, he became quite sure God was simply a manifestation of pure love, quite a stretch for a guy who grew up in a conservative, organized religion that had a billion rules for everything.  It was one of the greatest lessons I've ever received.

So I've thrown the word "love" around pretty liberally since Kenner died.  I've come to believe that there are types of love, levels of intensity and feeling.  Sometimes I say it quickly and sometimes it takes me a long time.  I do not, however, feel obligated to reach some benchmark before I can tell someone I love them.  A lot of people return the compliment but plenty don't, and I know that a lot of these people love me anyway.  I'm not offended or disappointed when it doesn't come back to me.  It's my gift to give away.  The giving makes me happy, not the possibility of receiving.

I Came Up With This On My Own. Seriously.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive God to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.