I read a nice piece of writing about an odd couple marriage recently. The marriage didn't last. This is not the point. The point is that the odd couple consisted of a hard-charging, task-oriented, over-achiever and a creative type. The hard-charger was always accomplishing something concrete: cleaning out a garden, going somewhere and doing something, working, and the creative person read and wrote and thought. This seemed like doing nothing to the over-achiever.
Frustrated, the creator finally said in exasperation: "When you see me sitting here doing nothing, I'm actually very busy."
There's a little bit of both of these people in most of us. I like getting things done but I also like sitting quietly. My morning meditation, after 25 years, is still a work in progress. I have a few, short, discrete prayers and I have a whole lot of sitting quietly. I used to really work hard at the meditation part - concentrating on my breath, watching thoughts flow in and out without judgment, coming back to the breath - and I got really frustrated a lot of the time because meditation is fucking hard. Lately I've been enjoying the sitting quietly part - not actively praying but not forcing the meditation, either. It's pleasant. I pay more attention to the thoughts than when I'm actively meditating but it's still pleasant.
When I was getting sober the most important part of my meetings was that I simply had to sit still for an hour. This doesn't sound too impressive but for a guy whose skeleton was trying to climb out through his mouth and escape it was a big accomplishment. It still applies today, frankly, and takes a lot of pressure off of me to hear something really profound in the meeting. I don't have to accomplish a great meeting - I can sit down and relax for an hour. I don't get so frustrated at what other people are doing because all I need to do is chill for an hour. If I don't hear anything that rocks my socks in a meeting I still get a lot of benefit from attending. I feel better the rest of the day even though I can't put my finger on the profound thing that I heard.
SuperK and I each have activities that don't look too impressive to each other. We've both worked at letting the other person do the thing that they want to do even when it doesn't seem . . . well, productive, and we've both worked at seeing how the activity might be of great benefit to the other person. Part of this is listening when the other person talks, something that I'm terrible at doing. She's better but you'll have to ask her whether or not progress could be made. Part of it is letting the other person be.
We both thought the article was interesting. It's nice to ponder the mix between overtly productive activities and internally productive activities. I need both of them to maintain what little of my sanity is left.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum
So here's something funny that happened to me . . .
My parents have been talking smack about coming out to visit relatives close to where we're staying. My mother is a big smack talker in these matters but she doesn't usually follow up her smack with action. If you're going to be guarding the star receiver in The Big Game you don't want to talk to the newspapers about how he isn't going to do squat against you unless you're pretty good. Smack talkers should back up their talk or they look foolish indeed. I've learned not to call my mother on her smack - it isn't worth it and it isn't an example of Being of Service. Saying "there's no WAY you're coming out here" doesn't make anyone feel good. Instead I try to be pleasant and agreeable. This isn't offensive to anyone and I feel better about myself, the only person that I really care about.
Currently I'm renting a small one bedroom cottage. I'd like to have a two bedroom place - and a Ferrari in the garage - but I'm saving a lot of money by sticking to the one bedroom. When mom was hinting that she would like to stay with us when she allegedly visits I was able to play pretty good defense with the one bedroom deflection. That, and the cat that's she allergic to unless it's my sister's cat which she doesn't have any problems with, what with the grandchildren and all. I hinted back that we'd be happy to go with the extra bedroom if she wanted to kick in the extra money but that went nowhere fast. She seemed miffed that I hadn't rented a bigger place just in case she wanted to visit. I'm that way, too, about spending other people's money. It doesn't offend me at all or put a dent in my wallet.
SuperK and I found a two bedroom place in a less desirable area for the second half of our vacation so I called my mother to let her know she had a bed if she came out. The woman booked plane tickets in twelve nanoseconds. The woman was moving. I like my parents fine but the thought of the four of us in a two bedroom cottage is . . . ahem . . . daunting. I'm out in the future enduring all kinds of tragedies already. A new guy I talked to suggested that maybe I shouldn't live in the future. When the new guys are scoring off of you it's not a good sign.
But I haven't been to The Old City in a good little while and the weather here is a LOT nicer than it is back there. My parents like to do things that are always done, whether they like to do them or not. You know, turkey at Thanksgiving and a Christmas ham even if you don't like turkey or ham. They think it's time to get together. They want to come out - not my dad, of course, but my mom does - so I can buck up for a few days. I've offloaded some of the helpful children things on my younger sister, who lives near my folks, so I can surely do this thing.
Be careful what you ask for.
My parents have been talking smack about coming out to visit relatives close to where we're staying. My mother is a big smack talker in these matters but she doesn't usually follow up her smack with action. If you're going to be guarding the star receiver in The Big Game you don't want to talk to the newspapers about how he isn't going to do squat against you unless you're pretty good. Smack talkers should back up their talk or they look foolish indeed. I've learned not to call my mother on her smack - it isn't worth it and it isn't an example of Being of Service. Saying "there's no WAY you're coming out here" doesn't make anyone feel good. Instead I try to be pleasant and agreeable. This isn't offensive to anyone and I feel better about myself, the only person that I really care about.
Currently I'm renting a small one bedroom cottage. I'd like to have a two bedroom place - and a Ferrari in the garage - but I'm saving a lot of money by sticking to the one bedroom. When mom was hinting that she would like to stay with us when she allegedly visits I was able to play pretty good defense with the one bedroom deflection. That, and the cat that's she allergic to unless it's my sister's cat which she doesn't have any problems with, what with the grandchildren and all. I hinted back that we'd be happy to go with the extra bedroom if she wanted to kick in the extra money but that went nowhere fast. She seemed miffed that I hadn't rented a bigger place just in case she wanted to visit. I'm that way, too, about spending other people's money. It doesn't offend me at all or put a dent in my wallet.
SuperK and I found a two bedroom place in a less desirable area for the second half of our vacation so I called my mother to let her know she had a bed if she came out. The woman booked plane tickets in twelve nanoseconds. The woman was moving. I like my parents fine but the thought of the four of us in a two bedroom cottage is . . . ahem . . . daunting. I'm out in the future enduring all kinds of tragedies already. A new guy I talked to suggested that maybe I shouldn't live in the future. When the new guys are scoring off of you it's not a good sign.
But I haven't been to The Old City in a good little while and the weather here is a LOT nicer than it is back there. My parents like to do things that are always done, whether they like to do them or not. You know, turkey at Thanksgiving and a Christmas ham even if you don't like turkey or ham. They think it's time to get together. They want to come out - not my dad, of course, but my mom does - so I can buck up for a few days. I've offloaded some of the helpful children things on my younger sister, who lives near my folks, so I can surely do this thing.
Be careful what you ask for.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Just a Touch More About Me
I went out to eat with relatives yesterday. It was a spectacularly pleasant day and we went to a dark, wood paneled restaurant called Nothin' But Beef, or Try To Find Something Without Beef, or something like that. It was also an expensive restaurant and a tough choice for someone like me who doesn't want to eat meat. I was restricted to a bowl of potato soup or a house salad, and I'm not making that up. My relatives ordered more expensive dishes than SuperK and I did, and they also had drinks. No one wanted dessert except one of my relatives - he ordered a large, expensive dessert and insisted that everyone share the treat. When the bill came, my relatives just split it down the middle.
"You don't want dessert? Fine. Here! Have some of this and pay for it," was the rough translation.
So I ate inside - which I didn't want to do - at an expensive meat lover's restaurant - not my first choice - and got stuck paying for someone else's food - I don't even like paying for my own food. After about an hour I was so pissed I got up and went outside and made some phone calls to Program buddies.
Can you see why I'm going to hell? Me, me, me, I didn't get what I, I, I wanted.
Wait, it gets better, or worse, depending on how much you like to see me suffer. I did this under a heavy cloud of self-righteousness because I wouldn't treat someone else that way. And this is true: I'm a little more attuned to what other people want and I try to accommodate these wishes. Not by nature but because I've had a lot of practice - I've hung around you people for 25 years and I've learned that when I take care of myself I don't feel very good about myself, an odd statement given that I have just finished explaining how pissed I got because I wasn't getting to do what I wanted.
Of course I felt guilty about my behavior. It did not go unnoticed.
Let me recap: I didn't get to do what I wanted to do; I didn't behave very well - not outrageously but not well - and I didn't feel very good about it. It doesn't make any difference what someone else is doing, either - it's what I'm doing.
I pray every day that I be the best husband, son, and brother that I can be. Mayhaps I should add a few more categories of relative. I also pray that I be of maximum service to my fellow man in whatever guise that may take. Mayhaps I should listen when I'm saying that phrase. I think I'm saying that but hearing something along the lines of ". . . of maximum service to my fellow man as long as it fits into my plans."
It could be a long, strenuous eternity for me if I keep behaving like this.
"You don't want dessert? Fine. Here! Have some of this and pay for it," was the rough translation.
So I ate inside - which I didn't want to do - at an expensive meat lover's restaurant - not my first choice - and got stuck paying for someone else's food - I don't even like paying for my own food. After about an hour I was so pissed I got up and went outside and made some phone calls to Program buddies.
Can you see why I'm going to hell? Me, me, me, I didn't get what I, I, I wanted.
Wait, it gets better, or worse, depending on how much you like to see me suffer. I did this under a heavy cloud of self-righteousness because I wouldn't treat someone else that way. And this is true: I'm a little more attuned to what other people want and I try to accommodate these wishes. Not by nature but because I've had a lot of practice - I've hung around you people for 25 years and I've learned that when I take care of myself I don't feel very good about myself, an odd statement given that I have just finished explaining how pissed I got because I wasn't getting to do what I wanted.
Of course I felt guilty about my behavior. It did not go unnoticed.
Let me recap: I didn't get to do what I wanted to do; I didn't behave very well - not outrageously but not well - and I didn't feel very good about it. It doesn't make any difference what someone else is doing, either - it's what I'm doing.
I pray every day that I be the best husband, son, and brother that I can be. Mayhaps I should add a few more categories of relative. I also pray that I be of maximum service to my fellow man in whatever guise that may take. Mayhaps I should listen when I'm saying that phrase. I think I'm saying that but hearing something along the lines of ". . . of maximum service to my fellow man as long as it fits into my plans."
It could be a long, strenuous eternity for me if I keep behaving like this.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
From Me to Me, Naturally
Deep Thoughts, from me to me.
If I do exactly what I want to do then I shouldn't expect other people to necessarily be as enthusiastic about it as I am. They may be but they also may be not. This doesn't have very much to do with whether or not it's a good thing to do. "A good thing to do" is a very subjective phrase.
If I bend someone else to my will and they're not thrilled about it, then I shouldn't look so surprised. If I don't want to be so surprised, maybe I can find out what someone else wants to do before I try to make them do something else.
Don't bend someone else to my will and then pretend that I didn't know that I had my big bending tools out. I know when I'm doing what I want to do and I know when I don't know what someone else wants to do. This is all selfishness on my part. The goal is to think of others before I think of myself. It's no trick to think of myself first.
If someone I've bent isn't happy about it, don't make them feel uncomfortable about being unhappy about it. However, this is a masterful trick of personality manipulation and part of me is pretty impressed at anyone that can do it. If I behave in a selfish manner and I can make you feel uncomfortable about it then my spiritual sickness is in fine mettle, fine form.
"Being of service" is a tricky thing to do.
If I do exactly what I want to do then I shouldn't expect other people to necessarily be as enthusiastic about it as I am. They may be but they also may be not. This doesn't have very much to do with whether or not it's a good thing to do. "A good thing to do" is a very subjective phrase.
If I bend someone else to my will and they're not thrilled about it, then I shouldn't look so surprised. If I don't want to be so surprised, maybe I can find out what someone else wants to do before I try to make them do something else.
Don't bend someone else to my will and then pretend that I didn't know that I had my big bending tools out. I know when I'm doing what I want to do and I know when I don't know what someone else wants to do. This is all selfishness on my part. The goal is to think of others before I think of myself. It's no trick to think of myself first.
If someone I've bent isn't happy about it, don't make them feel uncomfortable about being unhappy about it. However, this is a masterful trick of personality manipulation and part of me is pretty impressed at anyone that can do it. If I behave in a selfish manner and I can make you feel uncomfortable about it then my spiritual sickness is in fine mettle, fine form.
"Being of service" is a tricky thing to do.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
A Little of This, A Little of That.
Albert Einstein: "Don't worry what other people are thinking of you because they're not doing it very often."
This from the 7 AM meeting: "I have two factories in my head - one manufactures bullshit and the other buys it." I can't stop the manufacturing but I can stop leaving the outlet store with two huge shopping bags full.
I went for coffee after the meeting. I was yukking it up with the guy making my drink, trotting out some tired old material about putting a large drink in a small cup. I love travel - it allows me to use old material on a new crowd. Anyway, we chuckled a bit: "Thanks for bringing some humor in today." This was some "being of maximum service to my fellow man." It seems so insignificant to me as to be hardly worth doing sometimes but the fact that the guy said something makes me suspect that not many people do it.
I've been away from home for about a month, attending meetings regularly and I can still stroll in, sit quietly by myself, and leave without being accosted. This is OK in my case - I've been sober a while and honestly, if I want to meet some people I should stick out my own hand - but all too common. Makes me wonder about the reception that fearful, suspicious newcomers get and this is the whole reason that the meetings are held.
"If you want a hand the best place to look is at the end of your own arm." - some random engineer at FoMoCo.
This from the 7 AM meeting: "I have two factories in my head - one manufactures bullshit and the other buys it." I can't stop the manufacturing but I can stop leaving the outlet store with two huge shopping bags full.
I went for coffee after the meeting. I was yukking it up with the guy making my drink, trotting out some tired old material about putting a large drink in a small cup. I love travel - it allows me to use old material on a new crowd. Anyway, we chuckled a bit: "Thanks for bringing some humor in today." This was some "being of maximum service to my fellow man." It seems so insignificant to me as to be hardly worth doing sometimes but the fact that the guy said something makes me suspect that not many people do it.
I've been away from home for about a month, attending meetings regularly and I can still stroll in, sit quietly by myself, and leave without being accosted. This is OK in my case - I've been sober a while and honestly, if I want to meet some people I should stick out my own hand - but all too common. Makes me wonder about the reception that fearful, suspicious newcomers get and this is the whole reason that the meetings are held.
"If you want a hand the best place to look is at the end of your own arm." - some random engineer at FoMoCo.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Small Stuff
So many incidents in my life make me remember to pay heed to The Little Things. One of my favorite stupid Program slogans is: "Two steps to serenity. One: don't let the small stuff upset you. Two: it's all small stuff."
I was thinking idly of an incident just a few months ago when Super K, a friend, and I stopped at a coffee shop after a nice hike. SuperK ordered coffees for all of us, only to discover that she had left her wallet in the car. She worried about holding up the line while she retrieved her money when the guy behind her paid for her drinks, refusing her offer to reimburse him. He said he was having a great day and left it at that. I'm sure he wouldn't remember doing that if he was under oath and it is still stuck in my mind. A little thing making a big difference.
I'm not so quick to ascribe bad motives to people anymore. It's my instinct to do so, but I've learned to pause a beat, see what else may be going on. When I'm not behaving in a clinically paranoid manner I find that there are a ton of really nice people out there; I find that most people are nice. Not everyone is trying to screw me over. I don't spend all day trying to hose other folks; why would I think everyone is trying to hose me, all the time?
At the 7AM meeting yesterday a new guy told this story: he had locked his bike but forgot to loop the chain around an immovable object. When he returned his bike had taken a hike. He was pissed. He talked about violence, visiting violence upon the perpetrator. After a frantic and furious search he found that someone had seen the unsecured bike and held it for safekeeping. He thought someone had screwed him and someone had done him a favor.
I made a few phone calls yesterday to people who never call me. We had nice talks. I think I made a difference. I didn't make a phone call yesterday to a good friend who takes my flight from The New City winter to sunnier climes as a personal affront. It's not altogether clear why he thinks my behavior has anything to do with him. I NEVER think about ANYONE but MYSELF!
I got to keep my finger off the trigger.
I was thinking idly of an incident just a few months ago when Super K, a friend, and I stopped at a coffee shop after a nice hike. SuperK ordered coffees for all of us, only to discover that she had left her wallet in the car. She worried about holding up the line while she retrieved her money when the guy behind her paid for her drinks, refusing her offer to reimburse him. He said he was having a great day and left it at that. I'm sure he wouldn't remember doing that if he was under oath and it is still stuck in my mind. A little thing making a big difference.
I'm not so quick to ascribe bad motives to people anymore. It's my instinct to do so, but I've learned to pause a beat, see what else may be going on. When I'm not behaving in a clinically paranoid manner I find that there are a ton of really nice people out there; I find that most people are nice. Not everyone is trying to screw me over. I don't spend all day trying to hose other folks; why would I think everyone is trying to hose me, all the time?
At the 7AM meeting yesterday a new guy told this story: he had locked his bike but forgot to loop the chain around an immovable object. When he returned his bike had taken a hike. He was pissed. He talked about violence, visiting violence upon the perpetrator. After a frantic and furious search he found that someone had seen the unsecured bike and held it for safekeeping. He thought someone had screwed him and someone had done him a favor.
I made a few phone calls yesterday to people who never call me. We had nice talks. I think I made a difference. I didn't make a phone call yesterday to a good friend who takes my flight from The New City winter to sunnier climes as a personal affront. It's not altogether clear why he thinks my behavior has anything to do with him. I NEVER think about ANYONE but MYSELF!
I got to keep my finger off the trigger.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Absolut
Relative: Not absolute; comparative.
Absolute: Unconditional; free from restraint or control.
I mull over my all-or-nothing, right-or-wrong, black-and-white personality, my need to fit things completely, unreservedly into neat little categories. I need to be absolutely sure of everything, absolutely happy, unconditionally certain of the way forward. It has to be Great! Wonderful!! Spectacular!!! I don't have time for headaches or slogging forward or making do. I want my thinking process to be like flipping a switch: no doubts and no vagaries.
Yeah, good luck with all that.
Absolute: Unconditional; free from restraint or control.
I mull over my all-or-nothing, right-or-wrong, black-and-white personality, my need to fit things completely, unreservedly into neat little categories. I need to be absolutely sure of everything, absolutely happy, unconditionally certain of the way forward. It has to be Great! Wonderful!! Spectacular!!! I don't have time for headaches or slogging forward or making do. I want my thinking process to be like flipping a switch: no doubts and no vagaries.
Yeah, good luck with all that.
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