Promise: Vow.
Vow: To make a solemn resolution to do, get, etc.
I confess this morning to being a little disappointed in the definition of promise. I was hoping it would be more along the lines of: "You WILL get this." Something a little punchier and more forceful. I guess I could have made something up. It's not like I've ever told a lie or anything or that anyone is checking my definition with Mr. Webster.
Anyway, I've been dispensing to a captive Herr Luber little bits and pieces of the wisdom that I've gained by a diligent and assiduous application of the Steps. He's polite so he listens, sometimes, or he says he does, at least. I feel a little like a storefront preacher: cheap suit, sweaty brow, thumping on a well-worn black book, or a blue one, maybe. It is amazing how simple the whole Program sounds when I try to dispense it in little bite sized nuggets. I keep thinking: "Well, this is bullshit. The guy has some complicated problems that he's trying to solve and all I can come up with is this crap?"
I believe I will always think that a complicated problem requires a complicated solution. This is why The Program keeps steering me back to all of those irritating 3 or 4 word slogans. A spiritual life -- Program, religion, philosophy, wherever you can find it -- is not a complicated thing. There's not a lot to it.
I have been doing some musing on The Promises. I will never forget my initial stupefaction when I heard them. I couldn't believe it. Talk about bullshit. Talk about vague bullshit. Talk about a bunch of stuff that I was definitely not aspiring to. Peace of mind as a goal, or a supermodel in a Porsche with a million dollars. Not a difficult decision for me at the beginning. (Ed. Note: I'd have to think about it today, too).
"This is what you people have?" I thought. Actually, I probably said it to someone. I hadn't yet developed the ability to stop a thought from exiting my mouth.
Today I read those Promises and I'm amazed at how profound they are and at how they have come true, each and every one of them.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Alone Again, Naturally
Isolate: To set apart from others; place alone.
Alcoholics are pretty surprised when we find out that The Rooms are full of people who think like we do. I always suspected that I was insane, which I found pretty discouraging. It wasn't like insanity was something that I aspired to. And it's not like The Program refuted this suspicion; it simply showed me that I had a pretty common form of insanity and that there were places where I could hang out with other insane people.
For instance, I frequently held arguments in my head with people who weren't actually there. The arguments started out politely enough but started to get heated, eventually leading to violent physical confrontations. I usually won the fights despite the fact that I've never won a fight in my life. I argued brilliantly, leaving my tormentor tongue-tied. I thought I was the only person in the world who did this.
"Oh, yeah," a friend said. "I do that all the time."
"Whew," I thought.
Recovery means an end to that awful isolation that plagues most of us. We never felt like we belonged anywhere despite our ceaseless efforts to fit in. We would assume the appropriate persona that would help us fit in wherever we happened to be. We felt alone when we were alone and we felt alone when we were in a throng. It was an awful kind of isolation.
Awful.
Alcoholics are pretty surprised when we find out that The Rooms are full of people who think like we do. I always suspected that I was insane, which I found pretty discouraging. It wasn't like insanity was something that I aspired to. And it's not like The Program refuted this suspicion; it simply showed me that I had a pretty common form of insanity and that there were places where I could hang out with other insane people.
For instance, I frequently held arguments in my head with people who weren't actually there. The arguments started out politely enough but started to get heated, eventually leading to violent physical confrontations. I usually won the fights despite the fact that I've never won a fight in my life. I argued brilliantly, leaving my tormentor tongue-tied. I thought I was the only person in the world who did this.
"Oh, yeah," a friend said. "I do that all the time."
"Whew," I thought.
Recovery means an end to that awful isolation that plagues most of us. We never felt like we belonged anywhere despite our ceaseless efforts to fit in. We would assume the appropriate persona that would help us fit in wherever we happened to be. We felt alone when we were alone and we felt alone when we were in a throng. It was an awful kind of isolation.
Awful.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Aspire to the Halfback
Direction: The line in which or the point toward which a moving person goes.
Outcome: Result; consequence; aftermath.
How about an early morning football analogy? Sorry, ladies and wimpy horseface types.
When a football team playing offense decides to run the ball the two most common choices are to give the ball to the halfback or tailback, which for some reason are two different names given to a player who does the same thing, or to the fullback, who only gets one name. I have no idea how these names came about. One of the guys who plays offense is called a tackle, which is what a defensive player tries to do with an offensive player who has the ball. This would seem to be a better name for a defensive player or at least someone who plays defense. Go figure.
If I owned a football team, which I do not, I would get to work immediately on the names of each position player. I think this is more important than whether you win or lose. This attitude is one of the reasons why I shouldn't own a football team. That and the money.
I digress. The fullback is typically a big burly fellow who just charges into the defense and tries to run over people. You could say he's the least subtle of the backs. He doesn't try to avoid anyone. He tries to knock them down. He says: "Here I come -- try to stop me." He usually doesn't get too far. Fullbacks are big and slow and not too bright. One would think a better approach would be to avoid the large, violent defensive players who are trying to knock you down. The fullback sees where he wants to go and tries to go there. He doesn't pay attention to obstacles like Jack Lambert.
That's me. I'm a fullback.
Then you have the halfback. He's the smaller, smarter back. He tries to go where there are no obstacles. He's learned the obstacles are usually bigger than he is and they mean to do him grievous bodily harm. On some of the running plays where the halfback has the ball he gets behind his teammates from the offensive line and tries to let them deal with the huge violent defensive players; this is smart because a lot of his teammates are as big as the players on defense. He figures: "What the hell. Let those guys get knocked down instead of me."
The running plays involving the tailback often develop more slowly. You can see the tailback looking for holes, which are areas with no obstacles. Sometimes he can't find one and he gets knocked down but that's OK. You can't always find a hole. But sometimes if he's patient he lets the offensive linemen knock down enough defensive players so that a hole opens up. The hole isn't always there when he starts running and sometimes a hole disappears as quickly as it appears but that's OK, too. Holes come and holes go.
The idea is that his patience is often rewarded. The big offensive guys knock down enough of the defensive guys that he can run for a little while. He almost always gets knocked down eventually but he's a little further down the road than when he started.
That's me, sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. I'm still not smart but I'm getting smarter. That's all I can ask for.
Outcome: Result; consequence; aftermath.
How about an early morning football analogy? Sorry, ladies and wimpy horseface types.
When a football team playing offense decides to run the ball the two most common choices are to give the ball to the halfback or tailback, which for some reason are two different names given to a player who does the same thing, or to the fullback, who only gets one name. I have no idea how these names came about. One of the guys who plays offense is called a tackle, which is what a defensive player tries to do with an offensive player who has the ball. This would seem to be a better name for a defensive player or at least someone who plays defense. Go figure.
If I owned a football team, which I do not, I would get to work immediately on the names of each position player. I think this is more important than whether you win or lose. This attitude is one of the reasons why I shouldn't own a football team. That and the money.
I digress. The fullback is typically a big burly fellow who just charges into the defense and tries to run over people. You could say he's the least subtle of the backs. He doesn't try to avoid anyone. He tries to knock them down. He says: "Here I come -- try to stop me." He usually doesn't get too far. Fullbacks are big and slow and not too bright. One would think a better approach would be to avoid the large, violent defensive players who are trying to knock you down. The fullback sees where he wants to go and tries to go there. He doesn't pay attention to obstacles like Jack Lambert.
That's me. I'm a fullback.
Then you have the halfback. He's the smaller, smarter back. He tries to go where there are no obstacles. He's learned the obstacles are usually bigger than he is and they mean to do him grievous bodily harm. On some of the running plays where the halfback has the ball he gets behind his teammates from the offensive line and tries to let them deal with the huge violent defensive players; this is smart because a lot of his teammates are as big as the players on defense. He figures: "What the hell. Let those guys get knocked down instead of me."
The running plays involving the tailback often develop more slowly. You can see the tailback looking for holes, which are areas with no obstacles. Sometimes he can't find one and he gets knocked down but that's OK. You can't always find a hole. But sometimes if he's patient he lets the offensive linemen knock down enough defensive players so that a hole opens up. The hole isn't always there when he starts running and sometimes a hole disappears as quickly as it appears but that's OK, too. Holes come and holes go.
The idea is that his patience is often rewarded. The big offensive guys knock down enough of the defensive guys that he can run for a little while. He almost always gets knocked down eventually but he's a little further down the road than when he started.
That's me, sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. I'm still not smart but I'm getting smarter. That's all I can ask for.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Experience
Experience: An actual living through an event or events; personally undergoing or observing something or things in general as they occur.
Herr Luber's visit reminded me of another great truth of life; namely, that our experiences are going to find a kindred soul sooner or later. The Program definition is a bit harsh on this matter, stating that: "No matter how far down the scale we have gone we can see how our experiences can benefit another." This is only fitting considering the harshness of addiction. Nonetheless, the wisdom gained from an experience that's then shared with another is one of the greatest gifts we can pass on in our attempt to be of service.
To clarify a bit: I'm not suggesting that Herr Luber was in such dire straits that he needed the counsel of a Horse-faced guy who had gone way, way down the scale of human misery, but it was getting close to that point.
My friend is trying to find a place to settle down and call home after many years of frequent transfers. We call it finding a Headquarters. The guy has me beat to hell when it comes to moving all over the world but I'm living in my 7th city so I'm not a novice at finding a new home. I hope that I was able to provide some wisdom. If I was it surely wasn't innate wisdom -- it was the result of a hard experience.
I remember arriving at a hotel near the airport just 10 months ago, all of my possessions in a truck somewhere in the middle of the country. We didn't know it yet but the apartment we had reserved was not going to work out, so we didn't have a place to live. I was exhausted beyond belief. It was raining cats and dogs and it was the middle of the night, 3AM body time. SuperK and I had hand-carried all of our valuable papers and jewelry with us on the plane; it was disheartening to see my life summed up in these few bags and packages. I was . . . ahem . . . not feeling very chipper. We kept looking at each other with terrified looks on our faces.
"Who's idea was this again?" someone asked.
"What the hell are we doing here, exactly?" someone else asked.
It went like this for a while. Over the next week we had a few arguments over ridiculous, ridiculous things. We weren't arguing over who had misplaced the passports or where the last Clark bar was -- we were simply overwhelmed.
It all worked out. It wasn't especially easy and it wasn't especially smooth but it all worked out. And I was pretty mentally tough son of a bitch before the move. I'm a tad tougher today.
That's the message. It's all going to work out.
Herr Luber's visit reminded me of another great truth of life; namely, that our experiences are going to find a kindred soul sooner or later. The Program definition is a bit harsh on this matter, stating that: "No matter how far down the scale we have gone we can see how our experiences can benefit another." This is only fitting considering the harshness of addiction. Nonetheless, the wisdom gained from an experience that's then shared with another is one of the greatest gifts we can pass on in our attempt to be of service.
To clarify a bit: I'm not suggesting that Herr Luber was in such dire straits that he needed the counsel of a Horse-faced guy who had gone way, way down the scale of human misery, but it was getting close to that point.
My friend is trying to find a place to settle down and call home after many years of frequent transfers. We call it finding a Headquarters. The guy has me beat to hell when it comes to moving all over the world but I'm living in my 7th city so I'm not a novice at finding a new home. I hope that I was able to provide some wisdom. If I was it surely wasn't innate wisdom -- it was the result of a hard experience.
I remember arriving at a hotel near the airport just 10 months ago, all of my possessions in a truck somewhere in the middle of the country. We didn't know it yet but the apartment we had reserved was not going to work out, so we didn't have a place to live. I was exhausted beyond belief. It was raining cats and dogs and it was the middle of the night, 3AM body time. SuperK and I had hand-carried all of our valuable papers and jewelry with us on the plane; it was disheartening to see my life summed up in these few bags and packages. I was . . . ahem . . . not feeling very chipper. We kept looking at each other with terrified looks on our faces.
"Who's idea was this again?" someone asked.
"What the hell are we doing here, exactly?" someone else asked.
It went like this for a while. Over the next week we had a few arguments over ridiculous, ridiculous things. We weren't arguing over who had misplaced the passports or where the last Clark bar was -- we were simply overwhelmed.
It all worked out. It wasn't especially easy and it wasn't especially smooth but it all worked out. And I was pretty mentally tough son of a bitch before the move. I'm a tad tougher today.
That's the message. It's all going to work out.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Hold On Loosely
Insecurity: Feeling more anxiety than seems warranted.
More musings on money . . .
There's never enough money. There's not enough money in the whole world. When I get cranking on the topic of money I invariably find that I've been horribly screwed. Someone else has my money or someone is trying to get whatever's left if they don't already have it. The government gets too much and I'm not paid enough and everything is too expensive.
The Promise says this: "Fear of financial insecurity will leave us." I may be paraphrasing that but you get the gist. I don't feel like leaning over and picking up my Big Book, which is 18 inches away from me at this moment. I'm afraid it might burn me like holy water burns the devil.
I have to concentrate on the "fear" part of that phrase. That's the working part of the promise. It definitely does not say "financial insecurity" will leave us; it says "fear" will leave us. (Ed note: SuperK got out her book and the phrase is actually "economic insecurity." That doesn't sound right to me. That doesn't sound right at all. Maybe I need to read my Big Book more often.) The point is that if I'm not right with my Higher Power then I can get worked up about anything. I can be sitting on a big pile of swag and still freak out about not having enough money. I could win the lottery and I'd bitch about the taxes.
I went to a fancy college-prep high school. I was on a scholarship. I think they wanted some kids from . . . well, not the wrong side of the tracks but closer to the wrong side than to the bucolic setting of this school, where tracks were forbidden by law. There were students who didn't get cars on their 16th birthday, or even new cars; they got fancy new sports cars. And the funny thing is these people were as worried and upset about money as the folks in my solidly middle class neighborhood were.
I know this to be true: the more I try to hold on to what I have the more power it has over me. If I loosen my grip I relax a little. I crushed the shit out of a lot of stuff. All of us have to look at our own circumstances, of course. The point is that when I'm selfish with my money or my time or my possessions, then I enjoy them less and less. I learned that if you're not at peace with what you have then you'll never have enough.
I would like to try to manage some lottery winnings, though. Definitely would give it a shot.
More musings on money . . .
There's never enough money. There's not enough money in the whole world. When I get cranking on the topic of money I invariably find that I've been horribly screwed. Someone else has my money or someone is trying to get whatever's left if they don't already have it. The government gets too much and I'm not paid enough and everything is too expensive.
The Promise says this: "Fear of financial insecurity will leave us." I may be paraphrasing that but you get the gist. I don't feel like leaning over and picking up my Big Book, which is 18 inches away from me at this moment. I'm afraid it might burn me like holy water burns the devil.
I have to concentrate on the "fear" part of that phrase. That's the working part of the promise. It definitely does not say "financial insecurity" will leave us; it says "fear" will leave us. (Ed note: SuperK got out her book and the phrase is actually "economic insecurity." That doesn't sound right to me. That doesn't sound right at all. Maybe I need to read my Big Book more often.) The point is that if I'm not right with my Higher Power then I can get worked up about anything. I can be sitting on a big pile of swag and still freak out about not having enough money. I could win the lottery and I'd bitch about the taxes.
I went to a fancy college-prep high school. I was on a scholarship. I think they wanted some kids from . . . well, not the wrong side of the tracks but closer to the wrong side than to the bucolic setting of this school, where tracks were forbidden by law. There were students who didn't get cars on their 16th birthday, or even new cars; they got fancy new sports cars. And the funny thing is these people were as worried and upset about money as the folks in my solidly middle class neighborhood were.
I know this to be true: the more I try to hold on to what I have the more power it has over me. If I loosen my grip I relax a little. I crushed the shit out of a lot of stuff. All of us have to look at our own circumstances, of course. The point is that when I'm selfish with my money or my time or my possessions, then I enjoy them less and less. I learned that if you're not at peace with what you have then you'll never have enough.
I would like to try to manage some lottery winnings, though. Definitely would give it a shot.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
The Proper Use of The Will, or Anything Else For That Matter
Willpower: Strength of will, mind, or determination; self-control.
Trying to control the outcome of anything bigger than "what's to nosh on?" is a fool's errand. I'm trying to think of a bigger fool's errand but not much is coming to mind. Maybe trying to get SuperK to do what I want. That's not a fool's errand -- that's THE fool's errand. Controlling outcomes is like predicting the future. Good luck with that, Nostradamus.
That doesn't mean I can't point the bow of my spaceship toward a desired outcome. Nothing wrong with that. The Book tells me that there is a proper use of the will and then there's everything else. The Book doesn't suggest that the will is going to go away. It tells me to attempt to align it with the plan of my own personal Higher Power, in whatever guise and raiment he or she or it takes. It tells me that all sound achievement starts with a plan and a vision of how things will look if the plan pans out. The trick is making sure that I don't insist on that outcome. That's an improper use of the will. That's the opposite of powerlessness. That's arrogance.
The thing is that most of us are very talented people and we are used to getting what we set out to get. Nothing wrong with that, either. I think we're expected to use the talents that we're so abundantly given. Persistence is often rewarded. To accomplish something I need to set my sights high. I'm not expected to squash my will. I'm expected to chain it to the fortunes of my Higher Power.
Like I could squash a thing as beautiful as the will of Horseface Steve. Umm, Ummm, Um.
Trying to control the outcome of anything bigger than "what's to nosh on?" is a fool's errand. I'm trying to think of a bigger fool's errand but not much is coming to mind. Maybe trying to get SuperK to do what I want. That's not a fool's errand -- that's THE fool's errand. Controlling outcomes is like predicting the future. Good luck with that, Nostradamus.
That doesn't mean I can't point the bow of my spaceship toward a desired outcome. Nothing wrong with that. The Book tells me that there is a proper use of the will and then there's everything else. The Book doesn't suggest that the will is going to go away. It tells me to attempt to align it with the plan of my own personal Higher Power, in whatever guise and raiment he or she or it takes. It tells me that all sound achievement starts with a plan and a vision of how things will look if the plan pans out. The trick is making sure that I don't insist on that outcome. That's an improper use of the will. That's the opposite of powerlessness. That's arrogance.
The thing is that most of us are very talented people and we are used to getting what we set out to get. Nothing wrong with that, either. I think we're expected to use the talents that we're so abundantly given. Persistence is often rewarded. To accomplish something I need to set my sights high. I'm not expected to squash my will. I'm expected to chain it to the fortunes of my Higher Power.
Like I could squash a thing as beautiful as the will of Horseface Steve. Umm, Ummm, Um.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Chop Wood. Carry Water.
Here's the main thing that The Program has encouraged me to do: live my life, or attempt to live my life, on a spiritual basis. And I say this believing that our beloved Program is no better or no worse than any other spiritual program in providing its adherents with a good foundation for life. The drill is pretty much the same: Find god -- Serve others. I think it's possible to condense spirituality into that essence. The methods may vary somewhat but the goal is the same. Our Program is geared toward the drunk and the drug addict, but spirituality is spirituality.
"What do you do to reach enlightenment?"
"Chop wood, carry water," said the master.
"And after you reach enlightenment? What then?"
"Chop wood, carry water," said the master.
When I talk about the benefits that have accrued from trying to live a spiritual life I realize what a vocabulary we have, what a mindset, what a common goal. I may be at a different point in my pursuit than you are, but we're traveling the same road. I can give advice on where I've been and how I've gotten to where I am, and I can visualize how it might be once I get further on down the road, but the goal is the same. Our experiences vary but we all use the same tools from the same toolkit. It's like being in the same Spanish class -- some of us are more fluent but we're all trying to speak Spanish.
I confess to being amazed that folks without this kind of foundation can make it through life without totally losing their grip on sanity. Life can be hard. It can be confusing and contradictory and just #$@!! frustrating. I want to control everything and predict the outcome. I want to be in charge of everything. I want to get my way.
What a blessing The Program can be. I wish I could have received this blessing without being brutalized to within an inch of my life. Who knows -- maybe that makes it sweeter.
"What do you do to reach enlightenment?"
"Chop wood, carry water," said the master.
"And after you reach enlightenment? What then?"
"Chop wood, carry water," said the master.
When I talk about the benefits that have accrued from trying to live a spiritual life I realize what a vocabulary we have, what a mindset, what a common goal. I may be at a different point in my pursuit than you are, but we're traveling the same road. I can give advice on where I've been and how I've gotten to where I am, and I can visualize how it might be once I get further on down the road, but the goal is the same. Our experiences vary but we all use the same tools from the same toolkit. It's like being in the same Spanish class -- some of us are more fluent but we're all trying to speak Spanish.
I confess to being amazed that folks without this kind of foundation can make it through life without totally losing their grip on sanity. Life can be hard. It can be confusing and contradictory and just #$@!! frustrating. I want to control everything and predict the outcome. I want to be in charge of everything. I want to get my way.
What a blessing The Program can be. I wish I could have received this blessing without being brutalized to within an inch of my life. Who knows -- maybe that makes it sweeter.
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