Fade Into Black

I led the Keep It Complicated meeting on Saturday.  I read the section of The Big Book where one of our members was explaining his difficulties concerning prayer to a religious guy.  The religious guy suggested he pray for whatever person was currently annoying him every day for two weeks and to do this even if he didn't mean it, if he was just saying the words.  That section really is in The Big Book.  Try to find it if you dare.  I like daring people to find it because it's almost at the very end of the book so you have to read the whole book to find it.

After my fairly obvious comments I generally call on people.  I like to do this a la Portland, Oregon.  It keeps everyone engaged, more or less.  It's pretty embarrassing to get called on if you have no idea what the topic is.  I like to call on new people, visitors, and the members that are quieter, less likely to speak.  I don't call on the oversharers or the loud-mouths.  I don't call on people who talk too long.  I don't call on people I don't like.  Check that - I really have to call on some people I don't like because I don't like anyone.  At the end of the meeting I explain that my choices aren't based on some internal popularity contest, that I was new once and that I've moved several times in sobriety and I travel a lot so I know the feeling of being on the outside of a meeting.

The people that affect me the most deeply - after the new people - are those who have had a tough time with their families of origin.  I was once one of those people who was reticent about talking in a meeting.  Part of this is that when we're new we don't think we have anything to say.  Which can be true although new people can say the best things.  I know the feeling of lying low, trying to stay out of the spotlight and not attract any attention.  I was raised by two fairly normal people - if you met them you'd like them a lot.  They were very nice.  However - you knew there was going to be a however - there had some flaws that really affected a sensitive, anxious child like me.  My dad was a funny guy with no patience and a quick temper so I never knew what was going to set him off - he'd explode at some of the weirdest times.  And my saint of a mother was afraid of even more stuff than me if that's possible so any conversations I had with her ended up scaring the shit out of me - she could see the downside of everything.  So my survival technique was to try to fade into the background.   I could fade back out of the gloaming if my parents were doing something they liked - church and family holidays and sporting events that amused dad - but otherwise I felt like I had a big target on my back.

When I call on these people I hope I'm saying: "I see you.  And you're just as important as anyone else."