Meditation Thoughts . . .
As I notice my thoughts in meditation, I discover that they aren't in my control very much of the time - I swim in an uninvited constant stream of memories, plans, expectation, judgments, regrets. My mind likes to show me how it contains all possibilities, often in conflict with one another - the beautiful qualities of a saint and the dark forces of a dictator and a murderer. There's my wild and irritating mind, planning, imagining, creating endless struggles and scenarios for changing the world.
I think that the very root of this chaos is dissatisfaction. I want both endless excitement and perfect peace. My thoughts dominate my experience with ideas of likes versus dislikes, higher versus lower, self versus other. My thoughts tell stories about my successes and failures, plan my security, habitually remind me of who and what I think I am.
An egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Buddhism teaches me that this dualistic nature of thought is a/the root of all my suffering.
Am I listening to my heart today? Or am I listening to my mind? I can always trust my heart. My mind, on the other hand, can be a real son of a bitch.
From the Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book: "He confirms what we who have suffered alcoholic torture must believe - that the body of the alcoholic is quite as abnormal as his mind. It did not satisfy us to be told that we could not control our drinking just because we were maladjusted to life, that we were in full flight from reality, or were outright mental defectives. These things were true to some extent, in fact, to a considerable extent with some of us. But we are sure that our bodies were sickened as well. In our beliefs, any picture of the alcoholic which leaves out this physical factor is incomplete."
The italics are mine because I need to remember that I'm nuts and that my body reacts to the presence of alcohol differently that the non-alcoholic.
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