The Ongoing Spiritual Quest

"I used spiritual practice to strive for states of clarity and light, for understanding and vision, and I initially taught this way.  Gradually, though, it became clear that for most of us this very striving itself increased our problems.  Where we tended to be judgemental, we became more judgemental of ourselves in our spiritual practice."  Jack Kornfield

I've been meditating for thirty years, more or less.  I've been talking about meditating for a hundred and thirty years, give or take.  Interestingly enough, I still don't really know what I'm doing.  I'm making an effort and that's the main thing.  Sometimes I feel like I'm getting somewhere but most of the time I'm just faking it.  When SuperK and I moved to Southern CA we got much easier access to the Buddhist countries of Southeast Asia and the Indian Subcontinent.  In our travels there the structure and practices of Buddhism and Buddhist meditation were on full display.  It was really transformative for me.

I've always battled the urge - the elemental need - to be accomplishing something productive, and I don't really know what that means any more.  It's clear when you're working and you have tasks that you're required to complete and it's clear with some general things like exercising and cooking and gardening, tasks that are definitive.  If your daily routine is to run two miles then you run two miles and that's some excellent production.  But when the stuff I'm doing is only by choice then what's the measuring stick?  It can be frustrating for Strivers.  For instance, I'm reading the first section of Dante's Divine Comedy.  I think that's pretty impressive, to brag about myself a little, and it has been a lot more interesting than I would have guessed, but the problem for me is that if my routine life obligations get in the way or if something unexpected pops up during the course of my day and I miss a chapter I inevitably find myself finding fault with myself for not having "completed" this task.

This is where my meditation practice has been most beneficial - moderating my need to achieve with a realization that life can be - should be - simpler and more serendipitous.  I miss nice things by concentrating too much on tasks but if I don't apply the force of my mind on tasks then I don't accomplish those things that give me pleasure.  Have you ever painted a wall that needs painting?  I don't enjoy the painting part of the painting the wall but there is a satisfying sense of achievement looking at the nicely painted wall.  But to get this sense of well-being I have to motivate myself to do something that I find unsatisfying.

 I've shared the story of visiting a monastery when I was in Japan with SuperK and we had an interaction with a monk who was sitting behind a table of literature.  He had a huge smile on his face and was very complimentary about our visit, so naturally - a paranoid, suspicious big-city Westerner - I assumed he had a motive.  He did!  His motive was to be kind to two strangers!  THAT was his fucking motive!  He wasn't being productive - he was in the moment expressing kindness.  

See?  That can be hard for me.  I wanted to brush by the dude to continue on whatever I had on my productive agenda for the day.