A Suspicious Mind

Suspicious:  Distrustful or tending to suspect.

When I'm upset about something someone did to me I often write down my thoughts in an email.  I'm careful to make sure that there is no one in the Send To line because when I'm working some shit out in my head I want to make damn sure that it doesn't get unleashed into cyberspace.  Then I holler for SuperK to come in and take a look at what I've written.  There's nothing like getting a second opinion right before I do something stupid.  Most of the time I'll admit that there might be a couple of sentences or a paragraph or two that are suspect.  She usually says: "You mean this paragraph."  It isn't a question.  More of a statement of fact. 

We'll talk about it and then I'll let the writing marinate.  After a while I come back and begin the process of surgery.  There's some stuff that definitely needs to go so go it does.  I tweak and massage, then walk away again.  Depending on what I'm addressing and how pissed I am this process can take a while.  Sometimes an entire day is required.

The first things to go are overtly aggressive; then the more subtle passive-aggressive parts are removed; finally, I make very sure to excise anything that might make someone else feel bad, trying to fall back on the "better to understand than to be understood" maxim.  It can be hard. I prefer letting my ire fly to being kind and compassionate.

After I caught my sister in what very well may have been a little financial hanky-panky I put together an email to send to her.  By the time I was done about half the original content had been banished.  It was a little frustrating that I wasn't adequately able to express my arrogant outrage but I felt comfortable at the tone of the note. 

Her response was almost immediate.  She was clearly relieved.  I so remember that feeling of having been caught in a lie or, even worse, suspecting that someone else believed I had been less than truthful - that was almost worse, being accused of something I didn't do.  Today I point out that I don't lie primarily because I hate getting caught lying - it's not that I have anything against lying other than that.  In fact, it's kind of a hobby with me.  Some people practice magic or put together puzzles or paint - I lie.

The point is that I don't want these feelings to linger.  What my sister did or did not do is in the past and there's nothing that can be done about it.  I don't want to harbor feelings of suspicion.  I want to think the best of everyone and go from there.  If I think I'm getting screwed then I spend all of my time irritated that I've been screwed.  I want to believe that my sister acted honorably and that the fact that I was out of the loop was an oversight and not a willful act of deception.

She didn't offer to give any of the money back.  I had to point that out.