Seaweed: Aribiter

Arbiter:  A person who settles a dispute or who has ultimate authority in a matter.

As an arbiter of everyone else's fate I confess to wondering if things wouldn't be better for my father if he went and met my mother up in heaven.  That's a euphemism for wondering if he would be better off slipping into the next world in his sleep.  Another euphemism, of course, for death.  I feel awful even thinking that but not as awful as I feel imagining what it must be like being in my dad's place: broken body, loss of spirit, now deprived from the one thing that might have given him some solace - brother alcohol.

Like I know what's best for anyone.  Like I know who should be alive and who shouldn't.

To be clear: I'm not wishing that my father would die.  I'm wishing for him to have some peace of mind and I don't see that as an eventuality in the current state of affairs.  It's painful for me to imagine what a day must be like for him now.  I can't imagine that it's pleasant.