Thursday, October 29, 2020

Some AA Pre-History

We were reading The Tenth Tradition this week which mentions The Washingtonian Society and The Oxford Group, two organizations that were around before Alcoholics Anonymous and had some influence on its formation.  The following is taken directly from Wikipedia.

In Akron, Ohio, Jim Newton, an Oxford Group member knew that one of Harvey S. Firestone's sons, Russell, was a serious alcoholic.  He took him first to a drying-out clinic and then on to an Oxford Group conference in Denver.  The young man "gave his life to God", and thereafter enjoyed extended periods of sobriety.  The family doctor called it a "medical miracle."  Harvey Firestone Senior was so grateful that, in January 1933, he invited Buchman and a team of sixty to conduct a ten-day campaign in Akron.  They left behind them a strong functioning group which met each week in the house of T. Henry Williams, amongst whom were an Akron surgeon, Bob Smith, and his wife Anne. Bob was a secret drinker.

Rowland Hazard, claimed that it was Carl Jung who caused him to seek a "spiritual solution" to his alcoholism, which led to Rowland joining the Oxford group.  He was introduced by Shep Cornell to Cornell's friend Ebby Thacher.  Ebby had a serious drinking problem.  Hazard introduced Ebby to Jung's theory and then to the Oxford Group. For a time Ebby took up residence at Sam Shoemaker's Calvary Rescue Mission that catered mainly to saving down-and-outs and drunks.  Shoemaker taught inductees the concept of God being that of one's understanding.

Ebby Thacher, in keeping with the Oxford Teachings, needed to keep his own conversion experience real by carrying the Oxford message of salvation to others.  Ebby had heard that his old drinking buddy Bill Wilson was again drinking heavily.  Thacher and Cornell visited Wilson at his home and introduced him to the Oxford Group's religious conversion cure.  Wilson, who was then an agnostic, was "aghast" when Thacher told him he had "got religion."

A few days later, in a drunken state, Wilson went to the Calvary Rescue Mission in search of Ebby Thacher.  It was there that he attended his first Oxford Group meeting and would later describe the experience: "Penitents started marching forward to the rail. Unaccountably impelled, I started too...  Soon, I knelt among the sweating, stinking penitents ...  Afterward, Ebby ... told me with relief that I had done all right and had given my life to God."  The Call to the Altar did little to curb Wilson's drinking. A couple of days later, he re-admitted himself to Charles B. Towns Hospital.  Wilson had been admitted to Towns hospital three times earlier between 1933 and 1934.  This would be his fourth and last stay.

Bill Wilson did not obtain his "spiritual awakening" by his attendance at the Oxford Group. He had his "hot flash" conversion at Towns Hospital. The hospital was set up and run by Charles B. Towns and his associate Alexander Lambert, who together had concocted up a drug cocktail for the treatment of alcoholism that bordered on quackery, known as "the belladonna cure". The formula consisted of the two deliriantsAtropa belladonna and Hyoscyamus niger, which were known to cause hallucinations. Wilson claimed to have seen a "white light", and when he told his attending physician, William Silkworth about his experience, he was advised not to discount it.  After Wilson left the hospital, he never drank again.

After his release from the hospital, Wilson attended Oxford Group meetings and went on a mission to save other alcoholics.  His prospects came through Towns Hospital and the Calvary Mission.  Though he was not able to keep one alcoholic sober, he found that by engaging in the activity of trying to convert others he was able to keep himself sober. It was this realization, that he needed another alcoholic to work with, that brought him into contact with Bob Smith while on a business trip in Akron, Ohio.

Earlier Bill Wilson had been advised by Dr Silkworth to change his approach and tell the alcoholics they suffered from an illness, one that could kill them, and afterward apply the Oxford Practices.  The idea that alcoholism was an illness, not a moral failing, was different from the Oxford concept that drinking was a sin.  This is what he brought to Bob Smith on their first meeting.  Smith was the first alcoholic Wilson helped to sobriety.  Dr. Bob and Bill W., as they were later called, went on to found Alcoholics Anonymous.

Wilson later acknowledged in Alcoholics Anonymous Comes of Age: "The early AA got its ideas of self-examination, acknowledgement of character defects, restitution for harm done, and working with others straight from the Oxford Group and directly from Sam Shoemaker, their former leader in America, and from nowhere else."

In 1934 James Houck joined the Oxford Group and became sober on December 12, one day after Wilson did.   AA was founded on June 10, 1935. In September 2004, Houck was the last surviving person to have attended Oxford Group meetings with Wilson, who died in 1971.  At the age of 98, Houck was still active in the group, now renamed Moral Re-armament, and it was his mission to restore the Oxford Group's spiritual methods through the "Back to Basics program", a twelve step program similar to AA. Houck believed the old Oxford Group spiritual methods were stronger and more effective than the ones currently practiced in A.A.  Houck was trying to introduce the program into the prison systems.

Houck's assessment of Wilson's time in the Oxford Group: "He was never interested in the things we were interested in; he only wanted to talk about alcoholism; he was not interested in giving up smoking; he was a ladies man and would brag of his sexual exploits with other members, " and in Houck's opinion he remained an agnostic.

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Rational Lies

 Here's what's what this morning . . . 

I'm always working on being grateful.  Being more grateful because I am grateful, just not as grateful as I should be, or could be.  Gratitude is a work in progress for me.  I'm not a dude who naturally sees the good stuff.  I'm a Defect Specialist.  One of the reasons I like old-timers who are active in Alcoholics Anonymous is that I enjoy experiencing the Gratitude wafting and oozing out of their essence and, really, anybody who is active in their spiritual recovery is covered with ooze, just not as much as old-timers who have been working on producing and storing ooze for a longer period of time

I'm always working on being productive.  This is a blessing and a curse.  Being productive means I get a lot of productive things done but it also means I can be hard on myself.  I have to laugh at America where we use terms like "killing time" or "wasting time" or "filling time," like time is something to be mastered and wrestled to the ground and vanquished.

I'm always working on giving myself a fucking break with every fucking little thing.  It's okay to just be.  It's okay to sit in the sun with a thousand yard stare, like some slack-jawed yokel.  You're not going to hell because you watched a dumb sitcom instead of translating Tolstoy's "The Cossacks" from the original Russian.  It's enough with the Russian translating, already.

From the morning Big Book meeting . . . 

Drinking alone: what a purely alcoholic construct.  I learned this early on.  It's efficient.  I thought: "I really don't like people and I'm really cheap and I don't have any money anyhow and I can't get any girls to listen to Black Sabbath with me for nine straight hours so why don't I get drunk in front of the TV and watch old re-runs of Gilligan's Island?"

Drinking for pleasure or relaxation: not what we alcoholics do.  We drink to survive.  Our days revolve around our drinking.  We're tolerating everything that gets in the way of our drinking.

I heard this phrase today: Rational Lies.  Rationalize.

Rationalize: To attempt to explain or justify with logical, plausible reasons, even if these are not true or appropriate.  

Monday, October 26, 2020

Inventory

Rampage: To move about wildly or violently.

Instincts on rampage balk at investigation.

Collision: (An instance of) impacting directly, especially if violent.

Instincts in collision.


Exceed: To go too far; to be excessive. (Ed. Note: Don't you just hate the word "too." As if I can overdo something.)


How instincts can exceed their proper function.


Bill and Bob and the Founders could be a little dramatic with their verbiage sometimes but then again unchecked alcoholism can be a little dramatic with the human mind, body, and soul. "Violent" seems to be a common descriptor. Colliding violently isn't an image that comes to mind when I'm thinking about my instincts.


Instinct: A natural or inherent impulse or behavior; an intuitive reaction not based on conscious rational thought.


I like the idea that our instincts are unconscious and unchained from rational thought. They are just happening. The Big Three as detailed in The Big Book are sex, power, and cash. Or Sex, Society, and Security. These are not going to be things that we can get rid of easily if at all. These are programmed onto our hard drives. We naturally want to procreate, live in a warm, dry house that has at least a minimally stocked kitchen, and be recognized by other people around us as someone who is worth something. All that seems fair enough to me.


Here's what the book has to say about those troublesome instincts . . .


Powerfully, blindly, many times subtly, they drive us, dominate us, and insist on ruling our lives.


When they drive us blindly, or we willfully demand that they supply us with more satisfactions or pleasures that are possible or due us, that is the point at which we depart from the degree of perfection that God wishes for us here on earth.


So as I see it that, once again, it isn't the instincts (or anything else, frankly) that's the problem - it's the alcoholic. We are most definitely over-the-toppers and over-doings and going-overboarders. The problem isn't the sex, power, and money, it's the grabbing and snatching and grasping - THAT'S the problem.


Again.


Sunday, October 25, 2020

God Stuff

 "But for the grace of god . . . "

I hate that phrase.  It sounds like god is picking and choosing who goes to where the angels fly and who goes to the lake of fire . . .  to fry.  I don't think god is a prick.  "OK, you - heaven.  You - burn in a lake of fire for all eternity."  This doesn't jibe with all those pictures I've seen of a beatific Jeebus gazing prayerfully into the distance.  It's too cruel to think of an illiterate child in rural Pakistan banished to the lake of fire because he had the wrong religious belief.

Also, now that I think about it . . . god doesn't do things for me.  God doesn't do anything.  God just is.  If I'm drinking and I want to get sober then I'm expected . . . by god . . . to use the tools that god has given me.  God isn't a candy machine.  God isn't a taxi service.  God is inspiration.

I was going to a meeting at a jail in Cincinnati that was full of young guys who lived in really crappy neighborhoods that had really crappy schools.  I felt bad for them.  If I wanted to get drugs I had to make a few phone calls and then take a drive.  I couldn't just walk down to the corner.  To my eye god had dealt them a shitty hand.

An old friend said this to me: "Don't let those guys snow you, man.  They can get sober just like anyone else."

Thursday, October 22, 2020

You Ain't God

This is the how and why of it.  First of all, we had to quit playing God.  It didn’t work.

We had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing.  God either is, or He isn't.


Look. We get it. The Higher Power thing is hard for many of us, maybe most of us, and the founders liberally sprinkle around "God" with a capital G a lot more than they sprinkle around "Higher Power." But the concept of Something Greater Than Ourselves is a foundation block of recovery in Alcoholics Anonymous and I truly believe that the founders were sincerely open-minded about how we can come to an understanding of that power, or at least they were trying to be open-minded about it. I'm assuming in our early meetings there weren't too many women in full Muslim burkas or Sikhs with their distinctive head coverings drinking bad coffee and going on 12 Step calls. I assume there were a lot of pinched-looking white people who attended Christian churches regularly. And then there's the famous story about these guys exhibiting a certain amount of pious glee when the first avowed atheist in The Fellowship went back out and drank again. He was the guy who got the "as we understand him" qualifier into our 3rd Step.


I've always said that you can use A.A. or not. You can get sober by yourself, using willpower and self-knowledge, easily or with clenched teeth, and you can go to church or you can join a commune or rely on a psychotherapist or whatever the fuck you want to do. We're really open to anything that allows you to be relatively happy and completely sober. That's the simple goal here, after all. But if you're going to use Alcoholics Anonymous, a non-denominational spiritual 12 Step Program, you'd be doing yourself a favor by keeping an open mind to the whole Higher Power thing. It's awfully hard to avoid. And this is a non-official Seaweed survey but I'd bet in today's increasingly secular world there a lot more non-religious people in A.A. than the other way around. I think you hear more groans if someone says "Jeebus" than if they say "atheist" or "Buddhist." I think we've gotten a hell of a lot more tolerant. I really don't feel any pressure to believe in any particular way anymore.


The minute I stopped fighting or arguing, I could begin to see and feel.  We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves.  We are in the world to play the role God assigns.  Just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us, and humbly rely on him, does he enable to match calamity with serenity.


Fight: To try to overpower; to fiercely counteract.

Argue: To have a verbal dispute; to quarrel.


Don't tell me what to do. I have a better solution which I am going to point out to you here, incontrovertibly. I'm going to play my own role and I'm not humbly-ing a goddamn thing.


Now what's that about calamity or serenity?


Calamity: An event resulting in great loss.

Serenity: Calmness; peacefulness; a lack of agitation or disturbance.


Hmmmm. Give me a minute to think about this. I'm not sure which one sounds better.


Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon became as open minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions.  In this respect alcohol was a great persuader.  It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness.


Destruction: Damaged beyond use or repair. (Ed. Note: I really like this definition - "beyond repair." We become open-minded when the destruction is so great that it renders us useless and beyond repair. That's quite a thing to face. We're pretty far down the road before we become open-minded.)


Beat: To strike or pound repeatedly; to knock vigorously or loudly; to inflict repeated blows.


Get it? You are the one being beaten. Alcohol is the one doing the beating. You are losing. You are being pounded and struck over and over. Does this sound at all like you are winning?


It does not.


Wednesday, October 21, 2020

Controlling The World

 Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way.  If arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great.  Everybody, including himself, would be pleased.  Life would be wonderful.  In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous.  He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing.  On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest.  But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.  What usually happens?  The show doesn't come off very well.

This sentence blew me away the first time I read it. Blew me the hell away. There was a blinding flash of light when I realized that my actions were what counted, not my motivations, and that other people did not want me to tell them what to do. Even when someone asks me what they should do they still don't want me to tell them what to do. I thought everyone


More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life.  He is very much the actor.  To the outer world he presents his stage character.  This is the one he likes his fellows to see.


This sentence also blew me away. It made me aware that I was not me - I was who I thought you wanted me to be. I was an ass-kisser, a people-pleaser, a false friend. I was living a sordid life behind the scenes and trying to dress it up in polite company.


It was as if we were actors on a stage, suddenly realizing that we did not know a single line of our parts.


This did not blow me away although I seem to be drawn to acting references. I was a clueless dude.




Tuesday, October 20, 2020

The Bludgeoning

So it is by circumstance rather than by any virtue that we have been driven to A.A. 

Faced with alcoholic destruction, we soon become as open-minded on spiritual matters as we had tried to be on other questions.  In this respect alcohol was a great persuader.  It finally beat us into a state of reasonableness.


To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face. 


Under the lash of alcoholism . . .  The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker.  The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.  Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.


So it is by circumstance rather than by any virtue that we have been driven to A.A.


It would appear here that Bill and Bob are suggesting that most of us don't suddenly wake up one bright, shining morning and exclaim: "Boy, everything in my life is great. I have plenty of money, a nice house and cars, a doting family, and everyone at work loves me. What the hell - I think I'll go to Alcoholics Anonymous!"


Good, meaty, clear as hell, straight-shooting phrases: gates of insanity or death, driven to AA, lash of alcoholism, doomed to an alcoholic death, beat into a state of reasonableness. I'm not normally a big fan of violent imagery but sometimes we have to take off the kid gloves and tell it like it is.


We were in a position where life was becoming impossible and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: one was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could, and the other, to accept spiritual help.


Absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge.


We alcoholics have lost the ability to control our drinking.  We know that no alcoholic ever recovers control.


Because most alcoholics don't want to . . . you know . . . actually stop drinking the founders made sure to stick in these reminders. It's over. You're done. You're toast. You've tried everything and nothing has worked. You are out of options. It's enough with the bright ideas already.


Why don’t you try some more controlled drinking?


They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so he can't feel the ache.


Yes, we know there's at least one more thing you need to try: controlled drinking. Get mellow and then stop. Yes, yes, that's going to work this time. And the hammer analogy - some more violent imagery to hammer home the idea that We. Are. Done.


Someone who knew what he was talking about once remarked that pain was the touchstone of all spiritual progress.


For people who hate pain so much we are sure eager to endure as much of it as possible