Is there any greater topic at a meeting than fear? I really should honor the concept by using capitals: FEAR. Maybe add a few exclamation points and italics: FEAR!!! That looks better; a lot more appropriate for a word that " touches about every aspect of our lives. It is an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence is shot through with it." Not too much equivocal in that definition. No gray areas there. Nothing subtle to dance around as we like to do.
Fear causes about all of the problems that there are. It's interesting how in our official inventory process that the Third Column -- the "affects my" column -- always includes the word fear. It's hard to misinterpret that. I like to dress up my fears in fancy clothes: manly anger; dramatic depression; fierce resentments. The fact of the matter is that I get afraid and then I react. I'm afraid that I'm not going to get something that I want or that something I have is going to be taken away. I'm afraid that God isn't going to take care of me today. I'm afraid that things aren't going to work out.
I could talk for hours about fear. I can barely hold a two minute conversation about gratitude.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Bad and Getting Worse
Worse: In a less favorable condition; in a more unsatisfactory situation.
As if my tendency to visualize pain and death and destruction isn't aberrant enough, I mix in an uncanny ability to see how I have fallen short in whatever it is that I am doing. I don't even have to actually fall short, either, to feel terrible about my efforts. Most of the time I feel inadequate right out of the chute. If I don't -- rare as this may be -- I just need to think for a minute. Thinking about myself is one of my favorite past times. I'm good at it. With a minimum of effort I can ferret out some morsel of inadequacy about which I can feel terrible. Sometimes even this doesn't produce the desired result. So I make something up. I feel bad about an illusion.
I am the proud owner of a state of the art, fully digital Worry Scanner. This device can be preloaded with many, many Topics of Worry. When I'm feeling good and peaceful and content, I can simply switch on my scanner which will cycle through all of the areas of potential worry in my life until it finds something that is upsetting. There is a section dedicated to Universal Worries -- sickness, death, politics, money, and the like -- and there is a section for Worries Du Jour --the daily problems that flit in and out of our lives like bats.
Today I will trade in that Scanner for a nice piece of whitefish.
As if my tendency to visualize pain and death and destruction isn't aberrant enough, I mix in an uncanny ability to see how I have fallen short in whatever it is that I am doing. I don't even have to actually fall short, either, to feel terrible about my efforts. Most of the time I feel inadequate right out of the chute. If I don't -- rare as this may be -- I just need to think for a minute. Thinking about myself is one of my favorite past times. I'm good at it. With a minimum of effort I can ferret out some morsel of inadequacy about which I can feel terrible. Sometimes even this doesn't produce the desired result. So I make something up. I feel bad about an illusion.
I am the proud owner of a state of the art, fully digital Worry Scanner. This device can be preloaded with many, many Topics of Worry. When I'm feeling good and peaceful and content, I can simply switch on my scanner which will cycle through all of the areas of potential worry in my life until it finds something that is upsetting. There is a section dedicated to Universal Worries -- sickness, death, politics, money, and the like -- and there is a section for Worries Du Jour --the daily problems that flit in and out of our lives like bats.
Today I will trade in that Scanner for a nice piece of whitefish.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Worry
Worry: To feel distressed in the mind; be anxious, troubled, or uneasy.
I never imagine that things are going to work out well. It would be a great improvement for me if I could envision a moderately OK future. Most of the time I think that everything is going to be a train wreck. I wake up expecting the worst. I stop for a cup of coffee and drift off into an unpleasant reverie. I walk down the street distracted with visions of disaster. What is going wrong? What do I have to worry about? Sometimes I'll try to find the source of any free floating anxiety that is furrowing my brow, and nothing will come up. I'm worried and I have no idea what I'm worried about. And that really gets me to worrying. Maybe I have a new disease or malignant brain tumor that causes me to worry all of the time.
Sometimes I run into naturally happy people. They're always in a good mood, big smiles on their faces, songs in their heart. They just figure that things are going to work out. They understand that they will be able to handle whatever comes their way. These people are freaks of nature. These people are totally unbalanced. I can't think of the mental stress that they must be under to be happy all of the time. They must have huge brain tumors to suppress all of their worry centers.
And we wonder why the word "insanity" appears in the Second Step.
I never imagine that things are going to work out well. It would be a great improvement for me if I could envision a moderately OK future. Most of the time I think that everything is going to be a train wreck. I wake up expecting the worst. I stop for a cup of coffee and drift off into an unpleasant reverie. I walk down the street distracted with visions of disaster. What is going wrong? What do I have to worry about? Sometimes I'll try to find the source of any free floating anxiety that is furrowing my brow, and nothing will come up. I'm worried and I have no idea what I'm worried about. And that really gets me to worrying. Maybe I have a new disease or malignant brain tumor that causes me to worry all of the time.
Sometimes I run into naturally happy people. They're always in a good mood, big smiles on their faces, songs in their heart. They just figure that things are going to work out. They understand that they will be able to handle whatever comes their way. These people are freaks of nature. These people are totally unbalanced. I can't think of the mental stress that they must be under to be happy all of the time. They must have huge brain tumors to suppress all of their worry centers.
And we wonder why the word "insanity" appears in the Second Step.
The Future
Future: The time that is to come; days, months, or years ahead.
I'm under the impression that I know what is best for me. Good friends, wiser by far, point out that I know exactly squat about bumpkus. The fact of the matter is that I know what I want, not what is in my best interest. I don't know how things are going to play out. I do not have the ability to see into the future. Which is a blessing -- the future that I envision is full of peril and pain. I seem unable to visualize how the twists and turns of life buffet me here and there, with unexpected complications and tasty treats.
I'm constantly amazed at how something painful works out well in the long run. At how something that provides me with momentary pleasure can blow up in my face. God is driving the bus. I'm not driving the bus. I'm lucky I'm even allowed on the bus. I'm not a good passenger. I'm the kid getting thrown off the bus.
What I am expected to do today is suit up and show up. I need to do the best that I can with what is in front of me and go from there. I'm not the architect of life. I'm not The Decider. I'm the Decide-ee. Things are going to work out well. God is going to take care of me.
I'm under the impression that I know what is best for me. Good friends, wiser by far, point out that I know exactly squat about bumpkus. The fact of the matter is that I know what I want, not what is in my best interest. I don't know how things are going to play out. I do not have the ability to see into the future. Which is a blessing -- the future that I envision is full of peril and pain. I seem unable to visualize how the twists and turns of life buffet me here and there, with unexpected complications and tasty treats.
I'm constantly amazed at how something painful works out well in the long run. At how something that provides me with momentary pleasure can blow up in my face. God is driving the bus. I'm not driving the bus. I'm lucky I'm even allowed on the bus. I'm not a good passenger. I'm the kid getting thrown off the bus.
What I am expected to do today is suit up and show up. I need to do the best that I can with what is in front of me and go from there. I'm not the architect of life. I'm not The Decider. I'm the Decide-ee. Things are going to work out well. God is going to take care of me.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
It's All About Me, It's All About Me.
Responsible: Expected or obliged to account (for something); answerable; accountable.
One of my favorite past times is blaming other people for anything and everything. It is far, far easier than taking responsibility for my own actions. If something is amiss in my life I just figure that the problem is caused by someone else. How could it be my fault? I'm such a nice person who is taking appropriate actions with good intentions. I have everyone else's well-being in mind. I only want what is good for others.
Unless, of course, what is good for someone else stands in the way of my getting what I want. Or it causes me any pain or discomfort. And there is nothing sweeter than pinning the blame for any of the messes that I create by behaving in an astoundingly self-centered way.
I have to reboot every morning. When my eyes open I'm already pointing my finger. It's important to practice my blaming skills. I have a full schedule of not dealing with the consequences of my behavior.
It's not them.
One of my favorite past times is blaming other people for anything and everything. It is far, far easier than taking responsibility for my own actions. If something is amiss in my life I just figure that the problem is caused by someone else. How could it be my fault? I'm such a nice person who is taking appropriate actions with good intentions. I have everyone else's well-being in mind. I only want what is good for others.
Unless, of course, what is good for someone else stands in the way of my getting what I want. Or it causes me any pain or discomfort. And there is nothing sweeter than pinning the blame for any of the messes that I create by behaving in an astoundingly self-centered way.
I have to reboot every morning. When my eyes open I'm already pointing my finger. It's important to practice my blaming skills. I have a full schedule of not dealing with the consequences of my behavior.
It's not them.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Control Freak? Me?
I crave power. I crave control. Again and again I track the source of all of my problems to the fact that I want to be in charge of everything. I want things to work out the way that I want them to work out. I don't care about anyone else's desires. I certainly don't think that God has any idea what is going on. I don't think that he has my best interests at heart. If he did, he would give me everything that I want and protect me from everything that I fear. Why would a God that is thinking about me allow me to experience any pain or discomfort? That doesn't make any sense to me. He must have his head stuck up his brass .
The fifth word of the First Step is "powerless." This very important Step - the one that launches us on our journey - indicates that we are powerless over alcohol, then heaps on the abuse by suggesting that we are powerless over everything else. Most of us are aware of the fact that alcohol and drugs were running the show. But the idea that we have to loosen our death grip on everything else comes as a bit of a surprise.
God is going to take care of me today. He didn't take me this far to suddenly drop me on my head. I fell down and hit my head without any help from him. All I have to do is suit up and show up and do the best that I can with what's in front of me. I'm not in charge of anything. God doesn't need my help in running the universe. God doesn't call people whiling away the day drinking beer and smoking dope and watching TV. Their advice is not required.
The fifth word of the First Step is "powerless." This very important Step - the one that launches us on our journey - indicates that we are powerless over alcohol, then heaps on the abuse by suggesting that we are powerless over everything else. Most of us are aware of the fact that alcohol and drugs were running the show. But the idea that we have to loosen our death grip on everything else comes as a bit of a surprise.
God is going to take care of me today. He didn't take me this far to suddenly drop me on my head. I fell down and hit my head without any help from him. All I have to do is suit up and show up and do the best that I can with what's in front of me. I'm not in charge of anything. God doesn't need my help in running the universe. God doesn't call people whiling away the day drinking beer and smoking dope and watching TV. Their advice is not required.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Group Hug
Break: An interrupting or discontinuing of regularity.
I think that I am going to declare today "Give Myself a Fucking Break Day." I will try to accept the inevitable fact that I'm not going to get everything done, I'm not going to do everything perfectly, and there will be a whole slew of mistakes and missteps and omissions. My back may hurt, my brain may lock in a stupor, and feelings of inadequacy may descend. This is life in Normal World. This is what Normal People face every day. Immature, self-centered alcoholics living in Delusion Land think that they can skate through life without any difficulties.
When did I begin to labor under the impression that all of my days were going to be an error free cake walk? People make mistakes all of the time. Everybody does. While it's productive to learn from my mistakes, it is not helpful to wallow in them. It isn't OK to start the day depressed because I'm going to fall short.
Maybe I should take my whips and chains and those big metal balls with spikes coming out of them and put them in the trunk of my car. Life is tough enough without spending all of my free time beating the shit out of myself.
Give yourself a break.
I think that I am going to declare today "Give Myself a Fucking Break Day." I will try to accept the inevitable fact that I'm not going to get everything done, I'm not going to do everything perfectly, and there will be a whole slew of mistakes and missteps and omissions. My back may hurt, my brain may lock in a stupor, and feelings of inadequacy may descend. This is life in Normal World. This is what Normal People face every day. Immature, self-centered alcoholics living in Delusion Land think that they can skate through life without any difficulties.
When did I begin to labor under the impression that all of my days were going to be an error free cake walk? People make mistakes all of the time. Everybody does. While it's productive to learn from my mistakes, it is not helpful to wallow in them. It isn't OK to start the day depressed because I'm going to fall short.
Maybe I should take my whips and chains and those big metal balls with spikes coming out of them and put them in the trunk of my car. Life is tough enough without spending all of my free time beating the shit out of myself.
Give yourself a break.
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