The A.A. Traditions

 "Alcoholics Anonymous is a worldwide fellowship of people who help each other to maintain sobriety and who offer to share their recovery experience freely with others who may have a drinking problem.  The A.A. program consists basically of Twleve Steps designed for personal recovery from alcoholism.

The Fellowship functions through over 114,000 groups, and there is A.A. activity in more than 180 countries.  Hundreds of thousands of alcoholics have achieved sobriety in A.A. but members recognize that their program is not always effective with all alcoholics and that some may require professional counseling or treatment.

A.A. is concerned solely with the personal recovery and continued sobriety of individual alcoholics who turn to the Fellowship for help.  The movement does not engage in the field of alcoholism research, or medical or psychiatric treatment, and does not endorse any causes - although A.A. members often participate in other activities as individuals.

The movement has adopted a policy of 'cooperation but nonafiliation' with other organizations concerned with the problem of alcoholism.

Alcoholics Anonymous is self-supporting through its own groups and members and declines contributions from outside sources.  A.A. members preserve personal anonymity at the level of press, films, and broadcast media."

The above text is from an A.A. pamphlet called "A.A. Tradition - How It Developed.  The writings are from the late '40s/early '50s and are a reminder of how much trouble we had when we were getting started with anonymity, money, and our position in the greater community.  We fucked up a lot.  It was the wild west where just about anything was given a shot.  I really like how the statement does a good job of pithily stating what we're about.  Like many drunks I staggered in The Rooms looking for the flaws that would allow me to stagger right back out: what did it cost, who was in charge, what we're the rules and regulations . . .  Couldn't find 'em and that's why I'm still here.

Change

It's human to shift blame to someone or something else for my failures, and boy, do our parents come in for their share.  Most of us have perfectly fine parents - not perfect, not terrible, flawed people doing their best to raise children without a blueprint.  Compounding their troubles was the fact that I was a handful to deal with when I was growing up.

I was talking to a new guy the other day and trying to explain that the ride is good but it isn't fast.  The slowness with which productive change actually takes place doesn't play well in our impatient society.  We've become used to the idea that much of what we don't like about ourselves and our lives can be quickly overcome with little effort on our part.  The fact of the matter is that a real alteration of our behaviors and attitudes is a slow process.  Change is incremental.  What makes this all even more daunting is that most of the time we get confused as to what is a real expression of intent to change or simply a wish to change.  People mistake thoughts, wishes, and intentions for actual change.  Words in the air, drifting in the breeze, lots of bullshit, much of it sincerely spoken with little awareness of how unlikely any change will be.  I'm struck so often when I'm talking to a new person with that this human being actually believes the crap that he's saying.  It's hard not to tell them to just shut up and quit wasting my time.  The sincerity oozes out of them - it's really quite impressive being in the presence of such self-deception.

Generally speaking I don't take someone's expression of intent at face value but prefer to focus on the only communication that I trust: behavior.

Or as we say in Alcoholics Anonymous: Time takes time.  The good news is that there's a solution - the bad news is that it takes a while.

We Know What You're Talking About

Sympathy:  A feeling of pity or sorrow for the distress or suffering of another.                                      Empathy:  Identification with or understanding the thoughts, feelings, or emotional state of another.    

It's my determination to overcome fear and discouragement that constitutes the only effective antidote to my sense of powerlessness over unwanted feelings.  I understand that there are some people out there who are obviously more genetically predisposed to suffer these discomforts than others - the dude who is having a loud argument with someone he sees in an empty corner of a meeting room isn't having a Not Working The Steps problem.  But for most of us while medication and therapy can provide crucial relief, we also have an obligation to alter our behavior in ways that allow us to exert greater control over our lives.

I try to profess empathy and solidarity with those among us who are suffering.  I try not to only express sympathy, finding this to be a mildly condescending concept.  I don't just feel sorry for someone, aware that this emotion makes many people feel less-than, but I do feel for their pain because many of us have suffered the exact same way.  So it does no one any good to endorse a passive dependency.  If you're looking for a helping hand sometimes the best place to find it is at the end of your own arm.  Most alcoholics want to be judged for their intentions and not for their actions, which usually suck.  Self-esteem is built up slowly by behaving well.  I know that my work life really began to improve when I . . . you know . . . showed up at work and worked while I was there and didn't try to tell my boss what to do and got my nose up outta other people's business.  I worked, so to speak, at my job and not at anyone else's.

Empathy is shown in how much understanding and compassion we can give to another.  Sympathy is more of a feeling of pity.  Nobody likes to be pitied.  It strips us of our self-respect.  This is why most of us experience that feeling when we come into A.A. that we're among people who really understand where we're coming from and what we've been through.  Pastors, shrinks, social workers, teachers, nobody gets me like another drunk.

Controlling the Paradox

Control:  The power to direct or influence people's behavior or the course of events.

One of the strongest influences in my life - sometimes for good, often a torment - is a powerful need for control, a pretty typical burr on the ass of the obsessive personality.  When I lose control, when I can't keep a tight grip on the outcome of everything, anxiety creeps in.  And, of course, the anxiety over my loss of control makes me redouble my efforts on controlling everything and the anxiety worsens.  A self-defeating loop of misery.

Paradox:  The seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement that when investigated or explained may prove to be well-founded or true.

Everything in life is a good news/bad news story is a founding paradox of my existence.  Impermanence mocks me.  Death is coming for me eventually.  And only be embracing my mortality can I be happy in whatever time I have left.  It is becoming increasingly weird to think that this is the last mattress or car or pair of hiking boots I'll ever buy.

"We're all gonna die!"  Lenny Bruce

In the good news/bad news category I've renewed my habitual struggle with, against, and for my morning meeting.  I know I'm doing it.  Mostly I'm laughing at myself when I can get off my self-righteous high horse . . . which I hate to do because it's a pretty good horse.  I'm grateful I have this built-in, hard-wired recognition that if I want to change any deeply ingrained and maladaptive behavior that I have to look inside and see if I can find a pattern.  Most people resist doing this.  Most people (I'm looking at you, Seaweed) prefer to invoke confidence for the situation or simply focus on individual situations that place the blame on other people, places, and things.

Very Freudian, don't you think?  The unconscious mind, operating below the level of my awareness, influencing how I behave and think.  It sure takes a lot of personal responsibility off me when I can blame my troubles on The Other.

Perfect Seaweed

 We all know people who are perfectionists.  They tend to be demanding of themselves and those around them and to manifest an obsessive orderliness that is, in the the end, alienating.  They don't trust feelings and prefer to occupy their time with things they can count and measure.  I think a lot of this is a symptom of needing to control everything.  When I think of my perfectionism (and it's rare that I meet an alcoholic who isn't a perfectionist to some degree) I often consider it a defect, something that is a brake on my spiritual development.  And when it's combined with my tendency to Type A your ass into next week it can be a hindrance.  You know the drill - sit down and meditate perfectly and efficiently for 100 breaths; never mind that such a mindset is the exact opposite of what's supposed to be going on in a meditation session.

So, in my defense, I'd say that we obsessive people make the world function for the rest of us.  Think about it.  Would you want your dermatologist to say: "Eh, I think I got most of your skin cancer" or the mechanics to test the landing gear ten times, clock out and head home, feeling pretty good about the fact that the wheels came down nine of the ten?  Hey, it's 90%, right?  What, I gotta be perfect?"  Uh, yeah, you gotta be perfect.

I mean . . . you should see my desk.  That baby is spit-clean, polished and organized.  I could close my eyes and tell you what's on top and in the drawers and not miss a thing.  I wouldn't call that abnormal but it's not . .  . it's not .  . .  great.  Sigh.

I was always amazed at how many more hours people in my profession worked to make less money than I did.  Sometimes it was a lot more hours and a lot less money.  When I had an opportunity I made the most of it.  I didn't fuck it up very much.  I had a system that was very effective and I stuck to it.  I think the other guys were happy to hit .500 and make twice as many sales calls as I did.  Me?  I worked three days a week and took most of the summer off.  I was a home run hitter.  This was what made sense to me.  I wasn't particularly relaxed or casual when I was working but I went down the list and checked off the action items and made a sale and then took Friday off.

There are certain personality characteristics that are highly correlated with academic and professional success: dedication to work, ability to manage time, attention to detail, conscientiousness.  People like this are excellent students and productive workers.  They can also be difficult to live with.  I have a tendency to alienate people who value closeness and relaxation because I'm so dedicated to keeping on target with my list and being perfect about it.  I'd rather be "productive" than to sit and shoot the shit.

How Did I Behave, Really?

It's helpful for me to keep in mind that I'm constantly and unconsciously rewiring my memories.  One of the reasons I like to write is that it makes me keep an accurate record of what I've said and done, avoiding the neat trick of remembering an event in a favorable light.  I've got this idea, this notion, of myself and my mind doesn't like to square that up with some shitty thing that I did in the past so . . . voila! . . .  I didn't do it!  Contained in all of my memories are not just the events of the past, but also the meaning they have for me.

Here's the good doctor again . . .  "If we wish, as most of us do, to be treated with kindness and forbearance, we need to cultivate those qualities in ourselves."  In A.A. speak this is "If you want to be have self-esteem then do esteemable things.

It's also helpful for me to always keep in mind my tendency to excuse bad behavior with some kind of historical or medical reason.  I do this because my mommy didn't love me enough or because I suffer from this or that psychological disorder.  While I can't discount these realities after a while it's alright, already - all of us have had to clamber over some deficiency or maltreatment but the statute of limitations has run out on blaming other people, places, and things for my behavior.  If I believe that I'm permanently hamstrung by my circumstances then I damage irrevocably the self-respect that comes with the sense of being a free person on earth, able to struggle and overcome adversity. 

I Am Responsible

 I don't give much direct advice in A.A. because most of the time I don't have a clear idea of what people need to do to make themselves better and, even if I did, they wouldn't listen, anyway.  The idea that we have to sit and talk about the problems we face, taking the time to do this and being patient that it isn't a quick process, implies a slow and unwieldy process that has this assumption at our core: We are responsible for most of what happens to us.

Boy, talk about one of my core beliefs . . .   A friend quips that the first thing we should do to a newcomer is break both of their index fingers; the implication being that it's time to stop pointing fingers at other people, places, and things.