Controlling the Paradox

Control:  The power to direct or influence people's behavior or the course of events.

One of the strongest influences in my life - sometimes for good, often a torment - is a powerful need for control, a pretty typical burr on the ass of the obsessive personality.  When I lose control, when I can't keep a tight grip on the outcome of everything, anxiety creeps in.  And, of course, the anxiety over my loss of control makes me redouble my efforts on controlling everything and the anxiety worsens.  A self-defeating loop of misery.

Paradox:  The seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement that when investigated or explained may prove to be well-founded or true.

Everything in life is a good news/bad news story is a founding paradox of my existence.  Impermanence mocks me.  Death is coming for me eventually.  And only be embracing my mortality can I be happy in whatever time I have left.  It is becoming increasingly weird to think that this is the last mattress or car or pair of hiking boots I'll ever buy.

"We're all gonna die!"  Lenny Bruce

In the good news/bad news category I've renewed my habitual struggle with, against, and for my morning meeting.  I know I'm doing it.  Mostly I'm laughing at myself when I can get off my self-righteous high horse . . . which I hate to do because it's a pretty good horse.  I'm grateful I have this built-in, hard-wired recognition that if I want to change any deeply ingrained and maladaptive behavior that I have to look inside and see if I can find a pattern.  Most people resist doing this.  Most people (I'm looking at you, Seaweed) prefer to invoke confidence for the situation or simply focus on individual situations that place the blame on other people, places, and things.

Very Freudian, don't you think?  The unconscious mind, operating below the level of my awareness, influencing how I behave and think.  It sure takes a lot of personal responsibility off me when I can blame my troubles on The Other.