Dream Life

I rarely remember my dreams but when I do they're incredibly literal.  There aren't any weird fantasies or implausible scenarios.  Maybe I get my weirdness out during the day.  SuperK snorts when I tell her a dream: "That's not a dream - that's something that happened to you yesterday."  The only snippet of last night's dream that I can recall had me opening my wallet to pay for something, only to discover half my credit cards weren't there.  I vaguely remembered doing something with them - I wasn't floored they were gone - but only indistinctly.  And I have to tell you that every time I open the drawer where I keep my wallet I do so with a little catch in my throat.  I'm always relieved when it's where it's supposed to be because that's no certain thing.

The Bankrupt Idealists

Bankrupt:  Destitute of, or wholly lacking (something once possessed, or something which one should possess).

We are not saints!

This is a Big Book phrase: "Bankrupt Idealists."  That would be an EXCELLENT name for a heavy metal band.

Self-righteous:  Piously self-assured and smugly moralistic.

Ouch.

Here's another good one: "Self-Righteous indignation."  That would be a little clumsy for a band name but a good choice for a hit single.  "Here's a video of The Bankrupt Idealists playing their new song 'Self-Righteous Indignation."

"Having been granted a perfect release from alcoholism, why they shouldn't we be able to achieve by the same means a perfect release from every other difficulty or defect?  This is a riddle of our existence, the full answer to which may be only in the mind of God."  12&12 P 64.

Yeah, fuckin' tell me about it.

Have you ever noticed how god seems to have a lot of hidden cards?  That dude can play poker, man.  That dude never shows you what he's holding if you throw in your hand.

Fear V Unity

Fear:  An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.  (Ed. Note: I italicized the word belief.  It's interesting to me that the unpleasant emotion isn't caused by the scary things but rather by my mental state).

Belief:  Mental acceptance of a claim as true.  (Ed. Note: Same thing with the word claim.  Nothing factual.  A mental construct.  I claim that I'm the best looking guy in the world.  See how that goes?).

Heard this anecdote:  Sponsor to sponsee who is struggling with fear: "So, you're telling yourself scary stories again, aren't you?"

Fear is mentioned 66 times in The Big Book.  Whenever I see that kind of repetition I interpret it as emphasis.

Unity:  The state or fact of being united or combined into one; the state of being joined as a whole.  

Tradition One (the first Tradition, the Tradition at the top of the list): "Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on A.A. unity."

How much more evidence of the importance of our concept of unity is needed than to look at the fracturing of our society today?  We're not going in the same direction any more.  I like my independence just fine but it's not always the most important thing.

Go it alone at your own risk.

Moops

Politics:  One's political stands and opinion.

I've never felt quite as uneasy about Tradition Ten as I've been during the pandemic.  As a reminder: "Alcoholics Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues; hence the A.A. name ought never be drawn into public controversy."  I've learned too much about the political beliefs of too many members recently and it has begun to color my opinion of them as recovering alcoholics.  This is no good and Tradition Ten attempts to explain why this is so.

I've enjoyed the friendships I've made over the years with people who have vastly different opinions than me on matters political, religious, moral, ethical, etc, etc, ad infinitum.  These relationships have been very important to me - they show me that good people can see the same things differently and that if I try to see what they're seeing at worst I can learn tolerance of others and - surprisingly - that there may be a better way of viewing the world.  Like when I came into AA and found out that you clueless idiots actually knew what you were talking about.  I listened to people who were going at life differently and I'm sure as hell glad I did.

There are people who think a sanitary face mask is a political statement.  Frankly, as a scientist I see it as a preventative health precaution to ward off a highly infectious virus - I'm trying to stay healthy and, just as importantly, to respect the health of others.  But there it is - right on my face.  If someone sees it through a political kaleidoscope there isn't much I can do to hide that.

I'm tempted to ask these folks what their reaction would be if they were wheeled into an operating room for open-heart surgery and saw that none of the doctors and nurses were wearing masks.

There's a guy in my morning meeting who wore a hoodie this winter which stated that he supported guns.  Frankly, this dude can stock his basement up to the rafters with weaponry - I don't give a shit and it's none of my business.  That being said I've never spoken a word to him, a loss for both him and me.  I'M not going to approach a big, angry looking guy and tell him to take off his gun sweatshirt and I don't think you should, either.

I have a friend speaking for me this Friday on Step Six.  He's a man who has openly contradicted me over the years when he thought I was straying off the path.  He wasn't self-righteous about it and he delivered these bon mots in a relaxed fashion, always with a smile or a laugh.  He disagreed with me and - more importantly - knew our friendship was strong enough to weather that disagreement.  He wasn't trying to prove that he was right, that he was better than me - he was just stating his opinion.

Tolerance:  An acceptance of or patience with the beliefs, opinions, or practices of others; a lack of bigotry.
Bigotry:  Fanatical intolerance.

So now I'm faced with the prospect of people ranting about wearing a mask in the middle of a meeting.  How interested am I in getting to know their opinion on anything else?

Not too fucking interested.

Flabbergastededly Astonished

Astonish:  To surprise greatly; astound; flabbergast.

"These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all; and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence, their reliance upon things human, their problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve."

Once you transform a cucumber into a pickle you have a pickle and that's what you have.  You will not have a cucumber to put on your salad tonight.  It's over, if you're alcoholic.  Play all the games you want, explore all the different avenues of drinking, self-justify, self-justify, self-justify, just know that it's over as far as the drinking being an appropriate solution is concerned.

"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol.

Uh, yeah, no shit?

These men were not drinking to escape; they were drinking to overcome a craving beyond their mental control."

It's important that I'm often reminded that alcohol is a fixative for me and not a source of pleasure.  This is astonishingly hard for normal people to understand, that the idea isn't to have fun but to escape discomfort, to go somewhere else, to be someone different.  "I liked to party," I told a guy once.  "Brother, you weren't partying - you were drinking," he said.  I didn't necessarily want to feel good - I wanted to feel different.

Courage:  The ability to do something that frightens one.

The frequent inability to give up minor habits by those who have given up alcohol is an excellent point.  By contrast the temptation is insignificant but because these habits are deemed to be insignificant, relatively so, no genuine sustained effort is put forth to suppress them.

The intellectual idea of abstinence is not of itself sufficient.  It takes sustained effort to unite the intellectual concept with that consistent form of action which is an expression of automatic attitude rather than a monument to will power.

Whatever may be the theoretical desire and intention, the old habits do not die as quickly or as easily as one might wish, nor are they dead and buried when one wishes them to be so.

The habits of year's standing are not going to quickly pass out of the picture no matter how diligent a man may be in his application  of the work.  He has to keep directing his mental processes in a formal and definitive manner for at least a year.

Pre-AA Musings

I enjoy reading AA history from time to time.  I also enjoy dipping into auxiliary books that are not conference approved but can shed some light on the history and origins of AA, and to learn more about the people, places, and things that influenced our founding members.  I've mentioned Richard Peabody a few times.  Here are a few more quotes from his seminal book that obviously made a big impression on Bill W.

"It does little good for a man to endeavor to eliminate his habit until he considers it a sound, sensible, and desirable thing to do; something he would like to accomplish for his own sake, however difficult it may seem.  The minute a man seeks to reform for somebody else, no matter how deeply he may care for the other person, he is headed for failure in the long run."

Yeah, well, no one in AA has ever heard it mentioned that successful recovery is dependent on the person who is getting sober doing it for him- or herself and not for someone else.  If you try to get sober to please or placate another person you are often looking at a big, honking resentment.

Incidentally, for a man who is willing to buckle down to work the 'difficulty' is always exaggerated in the beginning . . ."

I think I remember my first sponsor saying something along the lines of "quit bitching all the time and write your fucking Fourth Step."  Something like that.  I'm cleaning it up a bit in case there are any children present.  

"But, whatever the final results may be, the initial effects are so satisfactory that the individual is tempted to seek this method over and over again for want of a better one, with full realization of the eventual suffering that he must endure."

I was always encouraged to think the drink through.  Initially, I couldn't shake the desire to make any discomfort I was feeling go away immediately, something that drugs and alcohol would do.  I understood on an organic level that I was going to suffer in the long run but I drank anyhow.  Future comfort after enduring some suffering never appealed to me as much as making the suffering go away immediately and then dealing with collateral damage down the road.

"Writing incidentally will disclose how many of the ideas have been thoroughly understood and retained in the patient's mind, how many have gone in one ear and out the other, and how many have been twisted so that they are more in line with emotional wish fulfillment than with an intellectual disposition of the problem under consideration."

Ibid:  "Write your fucking Fourth Step already."  Bill and Bob understood how important writing is, how one's pen, once unleashed, will wander all over the place and lead the writer to astonishing places. 

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Ask:  To request permission to do something.
Tell: To order; to direct.

"We consider our plans for the day.  Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives."

"Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or decision."

"We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only.  We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped."

"As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action."