Big Nine

Peace:  A state free of oppressive or unpleasant thoughts and emotions; a state of tranquility, quiet, and harmony.

We discussed the 9th Step in today's meeting - the amends process.  I remind myself that the payoff of these often-difficult and much-feared amends is that The Promises begin to assert themselves with vigor.  

"What's the payoff?" alcoholics ask themselves.   We don't do anything unless there's a benefit, especially not anything hard.

Peace of mind.  That's the payoff, and that's a really large payoff.  What gives us more peace of mind than peace of mind?  My schtick about the 9th Step includes the assertion that I'm at peace with everyone in the world.  There isn't a person alive that I feel the need to avoid because of anything I've done or said in the past (Ed. Note: There are some people I avoid to avoid the irriation that their presence brings me).  And I'm pretty much at peace with the world's institutions as well.  That doesn't mean I welcome the odd letter from the IRS or the County Elections Board summoning me to jury duty but it does mean I'm not afraid that something in my past needs to be dealt with.

Good to be done with them, though.

The Sommelier Vs Us

I just got back from a cruise to Alaska.  The alcohol was included in my fare.  I know, I know.  There was a bottle of champagne on ice when we entered our cabin the first day.  Here's a fun fact - I would have put a hurting on that company 32 years ago.  I would, to this day, be on some secret Do Not Cruise list.  You know how gamblers are banned from casinos if they're caught counting cards?  By very large men in black suits and mirrored sunglasses?  Those men would have walked into my cabin and tossed me 8 stories into the water.  Without comment. 

Anyway, it wasn't a problem for either SuperK or me.  And we were flabbergasted to walk into a posted Friends of Bill W meeting and find someone there already.  We were fully prepared to sit in the card room for a few minutes and then go to dinner.  Moreover, eight people showed up - 4 of us with 30 years plus; 2 with over 20; one kook with 14; and a relative newcomer with 2 years.  One of the attendees was an employee on the ship with an obligation to host a nightly table in the main restaurant.  Because wine service was such an integral part of the experience he had to take a glass of wine, swirl it around, pretend to take a sip, then surreptitiously switch it with a co-worker who knew he was in recovery.  Ship management didn't want the guests to feel uncomfortable about drinking or he would have simply stated he was an alcoholic.

So he invited all eight of us to dinner one night, along with an Al-Anon spouse.  The first order of business for the restaurant staff was for the sommelier to present to the our host, with a great, somber flourish, the two wine selections for the evening.

"I don't drink," Doug said.  "And no one else at the table wants wine, either."

The sommelier gave him a look that we clearly interpreted as "I don't believe you."

"Go ahead," Doug said, with a bemused flourish right back at him.

The man began to describe the red wine.  The table was smiles all around.  A few of us were giggling.  His voice trailed off.  He trailed off, to many thanks from all of us.  

I caught his eye when he was replacing the bottles of wine.

"Has that ever happened before?" I asked.

"Never," he said.  "That has never happened before."

Score one for the home team.

Get In The Habit

Habit:  An action performed repeatedly and automatically, usually without awareness.

"The intellectual idea of abstinence is not of itself sufficient.  It takes sustained effort to unite the intellectual concept with that consistent form of action which is an expression of automatic attitude rather than a monument to will power.

Whatever may be the theoretical desire and intentions, the old habits do not die as quickly or as easily as one might wish, nor are they dead and buried when one wished them to be so.

The habits of year's standing are not going to quickly pass out of the picture no matter how diligent a man may be in his application of the work.  He has to keep directing his mental processes in a formal and definitive manner for at least a year."

Tell Me a Story, Seaweed

Analogy:  A relationship of resemblance or equivalence between two situations, people, or objects, especially when used as a basis for explanation or extrapolation.

Often when I'm reading our literature I find some of the concepts kind of abstract.  "Restraint of tongue and pen," for instance, has a lovely ring to it but what does that mean, exactly?  Often a clear light is thrown on the concept when someone tells a story or uses an analogy.  For instance, "I was having a minor argument with my wife last week which seemed to be winding down with no consequences when I felt the need to get in the last word and I've been sleeping on the couch ever since" - THAT makes a lot of sense to me.  It brings the concept alive.  That's some real world shit.

I recently flew back to The Old City for a brief visit.  Because my flight arrived late in the day I decided to stay at an airport hotel and then get the trip going in earnest the next morning, clear-headed and well-rested.  The one caveat in selecting the hotel was that it provided a shuttle.  Unfortunately for me I didn't notice that the shuttle for my pre-paid room only operated until midnight, and my plane arrived around that time.  So as soon as I landed I called their front desk and inquired about a pick-up, saying that I didn't want to miss the last shuttle.  This was at 11:40.

"Oh, he's made his last stop already," the clerk said.

I was piqued.  I was ticked.

"Um, your website said the shuttle ran until midnight," I pointed out with admirable calm.

"Oh, he works until midnight," she replied.  "That's when he clocks out.  So to clock out at midnight he makes his last run before then."

You know, I'm fine with that logic but you should then indicate that the shuttle runs until 11:30.  If I can't get on the shuttle then the shuttle isn't operating.  I paused for a second, debating whether or not to explain to her that I didn't give a shit what hours this guy was working - I wanted to know when the shuttle was operating.  I'm not with the Department of Labor - I'm the CEO of Stevie Seaweed, LLC.  You can work this guy until the blood vessels in his eyes rupture for all I care.

So I said "OK, thank you," and I hung up while she was still . . . you know . . . kind of talking.  Technically I didn't lose restraint of my tongue or my pen but it was a jerkish thing to do.  It was an unacceptable loop-hole.

I called an Uber which took me to the hotel for $9.80.  I would have tipped the shuttle driver $5 so this wasn't a financial thing where I was incensed over the $4.80 bounty I had to pay  - it was a Stevie Seaweed, CEO, being inconvenienced, thing.

There's another phrase which reads "when we were wrong promptly admitted it."  Not a lot of nuance in this phrase.

When I walked into the hotel I recognized the voice of the woman behind the front desk.  I explained that I was the guy who had called about the shuttle and that I wanted to apologize for being short with her.  I told her it was rude.  I attempted to exploit zero loop-holes.  I did not attempt to explain why I was rude; namely, that her website lied to me.  I just apologized.

As is my experience in these matters she was gracious.  She insisted that I hadn't done anything impolite and, if I had, it could be chalked up to jet lag and a long day of travel.  Possibly she was indeed a gracious person or maybe I hadn't behaved badly at all or even that she was being a good customer service representative who didn't take the shit I had dished out personally.  Probably all of these apply.

I went to bed with a clear conscience.

Seaweed: Defect Master

"Whatever a person frequently thinks and reflects on, that will become the inclination of their mind."—Buddha

Whatever we regularly think colors our experience—all day, every day. Once we start to watch these thoughts, we discover that 90% of them are reruns! Others are about problems, some are about our preferences, and many are self-evaluation.

"I've lived a life full of terrible misfortune - some of which actually happened to me."  Mark Twain or Samuel Clemens

Our life is shaped and determined by our thoughts.  Usually we are only half-conscious of the way thoughts direct our life; we are lost in thoughts as if they are reality.  We take our own mental creations quite seriously, endorsing them without reservation.

This is old stuff but I can't remember it enough.  One of my daily affirmations is to think positive thoughts.  I have from time to time kept an Anxiety List where I detail the worries of the day - then from time to time I review these worries.  To quote Mark Twain: "What a heap of horseshit."  It's very, very difficult for me to dwell on the positive.  My mind tends to the defect, to the possibility of the defect.

I think this is a defect.

Like I Have A Clue

I got a call from Willie yesterday.  He mentioned that he had a couple of things that he wanted to run by me.  I listened to what he had to say.  I like the tendency of good AAs to listen instead of pouring out minute directions so that's what I try to do - for the most part that's really all that I want friend to do for me when I'm confused about something.  Honestly, most of the actions that he had taken and the thinking that he had engaged in seemed great -  healthy, measured, and reasonable.  I probably would have acted in a similar fashion and if I would have done something differently that would have been unique to me, appropriate for me, perhaps, but not for him.  I think that all I can do is to give someone the perspective of how I would have behaved and repeat some general, common-sense AA platitudes.  Willie has a strong faith so I reminded him that a prayer to ask for guidance and good timing might help; that shit doesn't work out for me if I act when I'm angry; that disengaging from the family instead of confronting someone with something that's upsetting is not going to work well in the long run.

He'll think about this stuff but he's going to do what he wants anyway, right?

A Hundred Alibis

"No man who has ever passed from normal or hard drinking to chronic alcoholism, or who has shown persistently a disposition to act in an antisocial manner when under the influence of intoxicating beverages, can ever expect to be shown how to drink in a controlled manner, or to learn how by himself even after long periods of abstention.  The very concept of eventual drinking, however remote, seems to be fatal to satisfactory results." The Common Sense of Drinking

"We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcoholic, but you can quickly diagnose yourself.  Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking.  Try to drink and stop abruptly.  Try it more than once." Big Book of Alcoholics

Try it a thousand times.  Try it five thousand times.  However many times you try it you can easily find someone else in AA who has tried it more.  You may be able to stop all by yourself but you won't ever be able to drink normally.  

Once you've turned a cucumber into a pickle you can't turn it back into a cucumber.

"One of the reasons that may make it difficult for an inebriate to reform permanently is an idealization of the past, which he futilely believes he can revive, a belief often unexpressed with which he fools himself over and over again. 'This time it is going to be different,' you may hear him say, but if you know him well you will smile." The Common Sense of Drinking

Euphoric Recall:  The ability to glamorize the best, to remember the good things and not the bad, or to turn the bad things into good things.  I bet part of this is human nature - we intuitively try to dwell on what's good and forget what's painful.  Emotional shock.

"If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are that he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis.  Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates.  They sound like the philosophy of a man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache."  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous