Wants and Needs, Oh My

From the book "Irresistible: The Rise of Addictive Technology and the Business of Keeping Us Hooked" by Adam Alter.

"The part of our brain that deals with our needs is fragile—it’s easily disrupted and it occupies only a very small part of the brain.  In contrast, it’s not easy to disrupt the activation of an intense want.  Once people want a drug, it’s nearly permanent—it lasts at least a year in most people, and may last almost a whole lifetime.”  Berridge’s ideas explain why relapse is so common.  Even after you come to hate a drug for ruining your life, your brain continues to want the drug.  It remembers that the drug soothed a psychological need in the past, and so the craving remains."

Need:  To have an absolute requirement for.
Want:  To wish for or desire.

There's also a lot of research that indicates that addiction is very much dependant on environment and circumstances.  This is why we suggest that people may need to change their habits, their friends, their neighborhoods, maybe even their families.  When you associate drug or alcohol use or behavioral addictions to an environment a powerful trigger exists.  I remember attending a jail meeting for years.  It was very common for guys who were doing well in their recovery program while they were locked up to relapse very quickly.  In almost every case they had plans to eat their favorite foods, do their favorite things, see all the people they didn't see the very night they got out.  I noted the irony that these were not the people who . . . you know . . . visited them in jail.  They left that up to a few guys from the suburbs that they didn't even know.  But they put themselves right back into an environment that they associated with drug and alcohol use, so . . . surprise! . . . they used drugs and alcohol.

A great example of this concerns soldiers in Vietnam who got addicted to heroin - a drug that was cheap and in ready supply - to counteract the boredom and fear of war.  But when they returned to society and were removed from the environment that triggered the drug use almost 85% of them managed to quit using and stay clean, a percentage that treatment centers would kill to achieve.  The point being that if you return to your old life once you kick heroin it will be difficult to avoid the desire, the want to use.

Negative Consequences

Addiction:  A state that is characterized by compulsive engagement in rewarding behavior, despite negative consequences.

I was teasing a friend yesterday about his decision to brew up a cup of herbal tea prior to the meeting, suggesting that he slam a couple cups of coffee instead.

"Coffee makes me anxious," he said.
"Yeah, it makes me anxious, too," I quipped.  "What does that have to do with it?"

Compulsion:  An irrational need or irresistible urge to perform some action, often despite negative consequences.

I note with some chagrined amusement that the phrase "despite negative consequences" appears in both definitions.   It suggests . . . no, it states . . . that the behavior leads to a poor outcome.

The Conscienc of a Saint

Conscience:  The moral sense of right and wrong, chiefly as it affects one's own behavior.

"For our group purpose, there is but one ultimate authority - a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience.  Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern."

Servant:  One who serves another, providing help in some manner.
Govern:  To control the actions or behavior of; to keep under control; to restrain.

I felt some tension in the air at the meeting this morning.  After all, there were Winners and there were Losers, and where there are Losers exists the breeding ground for resentments.

Resentment:  A feeling of anger or displeasure stemming from belief that one has been wronged by others or betrayed.

I can speak great wisdom with my tongue.  I exhibit . . . all kinds of things with my behavior.  Wisdom from time to time, sure, but also all kinds of lesser, meaner emotions.  I don't like to lose as a general rule, being as I'm so right all of the time.  The question then is how do I behave when I'm the Loser?  I don't believe I'm nursing a resentment here - the people that I don't like after losing the group conscience vote are the people I didn't like before the vote was held.  Nothing has changed except that my irritation has now been publicly noted.

Ah, so be it.

Cha-Cha-Changes . . . .

Change:  To become something different; to make something into something else.

I attend a meeting that's pretty large.  As is the way with larger meetings there are a few people who feel compelled to share every day.  Important people.  Important, special people.  And if this wasn't irritating enough they feel compelled to share for a long time, often bumping up against the timer that is in place to remind them that they've shared just goddam long enough, which often doesn't even stop them from continuing to share as if the goddam timer only applies to other people.

I don't get this, personally.  To me it suggests that someone is so clueless that they don't realize this kind of behavior defines selfishness.  Rude selfishness.  You know the type - talks loudly at lunch about their own self to the exclusion of everyone else.   I can't imagine being under the impression that I'm so interesting that everyone one wants to hear the pointless, excruciating minutia of my fairly mundane life.  One guy even took the time to explain to the group that - even though many people have told him that he shares too much - he thinks his message is so valuable to newcomers that he's going to . . .  well . . .  keep sharing as much as he goddam wants.

What do you say to someone like that?  Someone like that isn't going to stop doing what he's doing.

A few of us suggested a format change so that on three days during the week the group leader calls on people at random before opening up the meeting at the end so that anyone with a pressing need to talk has the opportunity to do so.  At our business meeting this weekend we voted on this and I was pleased to see that my long losing streak in group conscience votes was extended.  I wasn't surprised - being a muckraker I'm often supporting change and people in general don't like change, let along rut-bound alcoholics.

I was pretty annoyed yesterday.  Today I'm mildly annoyed.  Tomorrow I'll probably be OK.  I talk a lot about acceptance to other people who are struggling with something so I better be sure that I'm practicing it in my own life.  

I've talked a lot and for a while now about some changes I need to make in my life - my diet and coffee consumption, the over-exercising that I do, my regular attendance at a meeting that has been frustrating to me for a while now.  Talk, talk, talk.  Sometimes I need a stressor to make me go through with the change which I have recently pointed out is hard.  Even when something is making me uncomfortable I have trouble changing.

A resentment and a coffee pot.

What It Means Is . . .

Admit:  Conceding . . . with reluctance (Ed Note: Can't you hear my teeth grinding as I concede?  I love the reluctance qualifier.)

Patient:  Able to accept or tolerate delays, problems, or suffering without becoming annoyed or anxious.

Will:  A person's determination, choice, or desire in a particular situation.

Wisdom:  The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the knowledge that is gained by having many experiences in life.

Egotism:  The practice of talking and thinking about oneself excessively because of an undue sense of self-importance.

Dependence:  The state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else.

Sober:  Marked by a sedate or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor; unhurried; calm; marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness; showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice.

Defiant:  Full of or showing a disposition to challenge, resist, or fight; showing aggression or independence by refusing to obey someone.

Worry:  Give way to anxiety or unease; allow one's mind to dwell on difficulties or trouble.

Guilt:  A feeling of responsibility for some offense, wrong, etc.;  an unhappy feeling, whether real or imagined.

I have been re-reading some notes I made while addressing some behaviors that were making me uncomfortable.  Are making my uncomfortable still, unfortunately.  From time to time, as is my habit, I look up words.  The above definitions were strung out here and there.  I am struck by how many negative concepts come up.  Apparently I'm not drawn to positive ideas.

Lazy

Lazy:  Unwilling to do work or make an effort; disinclined to exertion.

So I'm just going to write down some great stuff cribbed verbatim from our literature.  Some ideas are so pure that I don't dare even to paraphrase them.

More sobriety brought about by the admission of alcoholism and by attendance at a few meetings is very good indeed but it is bound to be a far cry from permanent sobriety and a contented, useful life.  Nothing short of continuous action upon these Steps as a way of life can bring the much desired result.  All of the Twelve Steps require sustained and personal exertion to conform to their principles and so, we trust, to God's will.  The have been persuaded, and rightly so, that many problems besides alcohol will not yield to a headlong assault by the individual alone  Like all of the remaining Steps, Step 3 calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will that has always blocked the entry of God . . . into our lives.

Action:  Something done so as to accomplish a purpose.
Exertion: An expenditure of physical or mental effort.

I need to be reminded that my sobriety takes a lot of effort.  It doesn't simply come to me, as in a vision.  It's gained through diligent, daily effort.

We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in.

Sometimes the Best Ideas Are Simple

No one's thinking about you.