See You in the Gap

"There is more to life than increasing its speed."                                                                                Gandhi

I have a friend in The Fellowship who attends a lot of 12 Step meetings in different 12 Step programs.  It makes me nervous, all of these programs.  While I don't dispute she needs to recover from these different diseases and compulsions I fret that she may have too many balls in the air.  I return again and again in my mind to the different studies that show that when we multi-task what we're usually doing is half-assing everything.  We're doing many things but not doing any of them well or thoroughly.  

The counterpoint is that I am an individual who likes to have a lot of balls in the air.  I'm curious and I'm relentless and I'm competitive and I want to do it all, everywhere, all of the time.  And the thing is . . . this is me.  This is part of my essential nature.  If I sit quietly and toss one ball up and down I'm not being true to my nature, to my Seaweed-ness.  If I'm not me then I'm not genuine and I lose myself in trying to be something that I'm not.  People would worry about me if they didn't see me with an absurd number of balls in the air. 

I'm going to repost this poem because it has really resonated with me - the idea that I'm looking and I'm lost and I don't know who I am but it's all okay, I "give myself" to the effort, to the curious search.  

I live my life in widening circles that reach out over the world.  I may not complete this last one but I give myself to it.

I circle around God, around the primordial tower.  I've been circling for thousands of years and I still don't know: am I a falcon, a storm, or a great song?

One of my favorite meditation guides ends each of his session with this phrase: "I'll see you  in the gap."  I like the idea of being not here, not there, somewhere in between, going to the next place from this place but not being in either.