Too Far, Too Much

 I am on a lifelong quest to minimize disturbance in my life.  When I find something disturbing I realize that it's in my best interest to look closely at what is going on.  I can usually see where my prejudices and biases and stubbornness come into play.  I can change if I'm wrong (Ed. Note: I'm never wrong and even if I could be wrong or even could become wrong in the future I'd never admit it because this would suggest that I knew I was wrong, which I wasn't.)  I can learn new things, at least.  I can see situations from a different point of view and sometimes come to a new understanding, see how and why a different way of doing things can be acceptable or all right or - God forbid - even better.  Keeping an open mind.  At the very least I can remind myself how little I actually control in this life.  

That being said all of us have to decide when too far, too much, is too far and too much, and the live A.A. meetings where I know some people who I find generally objectionable on a good day is past one of my own personal lines.  I'm not saying it's a good line but it's my line and I think it's not an unreasonable line and To Thine Own Self Be True.  I've looked at this from all angles and from the inside to the outside and I'm convinced that it's a line that I cannot cross.  If I know the personalities involved I find myself getting disturbed and I don't have to put up with that if I don't want to, and I don't want to.  This isn't my job or my family where a compromise is going to make life easier for everyone.  I can back away and go somewhere else/do something else.

The struggle at the moment is that my sponsor is going to that meeting.  This is distressing.  I wouldn't normally consider him as someone who holds the beliefs of the other attendees but he's still going.  Such a big part of my casual phone conversations with other A.A.s is to check on each other's Program.  How do I do that right now?  I don't see how I do it.  I've tried a few "don't go there" calls with him but I found them strained on my end.  Luckily I have a lot of good friends who work good Programs that I talk with frequently - most of them with a lot more sobriety than him, actually - so it's not like I'm bereft and adrift.

It's just distressing that I see the Outside World sneaking into The Rooms.  I can't shake the sense that the part of the equation is that the people at the live meetings are making a political/social statement.  They insist they aren't and I'm sure that politics isn't a meeting topic but still the sense I get is that they're doing this because they want to exercise their wills.

Look away, look away.