Wednesday, February 3, 2016

The Mulch Caper Resolved

Thief: One who carries out a theft, the stealing of property.

I'd like your permission to follow-up on The Great Mulch Caper of 2015.  To beg  your indulgence, so to speak.

To recap:
Tree falls in my neighborhood.
Stump is ground up.
Huge pile of mulch appears and sits untouched, for eons untold or a week, whichever came first.
Vaguely disquiet in my mind, I haul off some mulch for personal use, following one of my most beloved credos: "I'd rather beg for forgiveness than ask for permission."
Two neighbors, appearing vaguely disquiet in their minds, come to my door and wonder why I was stealing their mulch?
Invoice is proffered, showing $320 worth of mulch purchases.
Neighbors, much becalmed at my non-violent reaction, vaguely state they'll come back after they use the amount of mulch they need and ask me to pay for the rest.

OK.  I, of course, am pissed off that these guys come over and confront me about my theft of their mulch because it was, frankly, embarrassing to me and is therefore their fault.  So I ruin -or degrade, at least - my piece of mind for four or five days running through this progression:
1. I should have asked for tangible proof that I was the thief such as a security camera tape - aimed for some reason at a pile of mulch - and, lacking such proof, denied any involvement at all in the caper and if they didn't like it they could call the cops.  Tone: vaguely threatening.
2. Offer to pay $20, insisting there was no way I took more than that.  Tone: sullen.
3. Up offer to $50, vaguely aware this was a more realistic number.  Tone: annoyed but increasingly resigned.
4. Re-up offer to $100, but that's it, really.  Tone: calmly resigned.
5. Agree to a 50% reimbursement while calming stating that the amount was fucking ridiculous and I wasn't happy about it.  Tone?: Re-outraged.

The two guys disappear.  Never see them again.  I know where one of them lives and had actually tried to catch him outside to see about paying for my mulch theft.  I did, of course, steal the mulch.  I wasn't unhappy with them any longer for pointing this theft out to me.  I had come around, so to speak, and wanted to right my wrong.

A knock on my door yesterday and I usher one of the two guys into my house.  He says something along the lines of we had enough mulch, it all worked out, I just wanted to let you know what happened to us, the other guy was really sick, just following up, if you'd like to make a donation that would be great but, really, don't worry about it.

"What would be appropriate?" I ask.
"Really, anything you'd like to give," he said.
"How about $30 or $40," I asked, hoping for the former, smaller number.  I think I may have gotten a piece of phlegm caught in my throat when I tried to say "40."
"Oh, that would be too much," he said.

I went and got my wallet.  I knew there were some twenties in there but wasn't sure about a ten.  Dammit!  A ten shows up.  I give the guy $30.  

Price of stolen mulch? $30.
Peace of mind? Priceless.

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