Sacrifice

 OK, my last Traditions post for a while.  I promise.  (Ed. Note:  I might also be lying.)

Sacrifice:  To surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

"Gradually, we saw that the unity, the effectiveness - yes, even the survival - of A.A. would always depend upon our continued willingness to sacrifice our personal ambitions and desires for he common safety and welfare.  Just as sacrifice meant survival for the individual, so did sacrifice mean unity and survival for the group and for A.A.'s entire Fellowship.  Viewed in this light, A.A.'s Twelve Traditions are little else than a list of sacrifices which the experience of twenty years has taught us that we m just, make, individually and collectively, if A.A. itself is to stay alive and healthy."

I've always found it amazing that it took these early guys twenty years to distill these Traditions down.  There must have been some hellish, animated discussions over this stuff.  It takes my home group an hour to change the wording in our anodyne meeting format so I can only imagine the spirited discussions that must have occured when the Founders were trying to come up with rules that applied to whole organization. 

Then Bill W sums up his reasoning in as good a condensation of the Traditions as I've ever read:

"We have denied ourselves personal government, professionalism and the right to say who our members shall be. We have abandoned do-goodism, reform and paternalism.  We refuse charitable money and prefer to pay our own way.  We will cooperate with practically everybody, yet we decline to marry our Society to anyone.  We abstain from public controvery and will not quarrel among ourselves about those things that so rip society asunder - religion, politics, and reform.  We have but one purpose: to carry the A.A. message to the sick alcoholic who wants it.  We take these attitudes not at all because we claim special virtue or wisdom; we do these things because hard experience has told us that we must."

I've always appreciated the idea that the individual makes the choice to adhere to spiritual principles to save his or her own life.  Things have gotten that bad for most of us.  We're out of options.  We're not making these choices because we think that things may have gotten out of hand - they've clearly gotten WAY out of hand.   Then we argue and fight and bicker for twenty years before codifying these principles at the group level; we don't do it because we're smart or wise but because we see that the Fellowship is going to fly apart at the seams if we don't.

Alcoholics Anonymous - the largest organization in the world than no one wants to join.

Other People

 More from Bill W on honesty . . . .

It's funny to me that the A.A. pamphlet entitled "A.A. Tradition - How It Developed by Bill W" is dominated by his writings and speeches on the spiritual principle of anonymity.  A distant second is the warning that money and organization will surely doom us but it's anonymity first, last, and almost everything in between.

"Anonymity is the greatest protection our Society can ever have.  It says that 'The spiritual substance of anonymity is sacrifice.'  The new signs to serenity read: 'This way to sanity and serenity - the price is self-sacrifice.' We couldn't get rid of alcohol unless we made other sacrifices.  Big shotism and phony thinking had to go.  We had to toss self-justification, self-pity, and anger right out the window.  We had to quit the crazy contest for personal prestige and big bank balances.  We had to take personal responsibility for our sorry state and quit blaming others for it.

We're these sacrifices?  Yes, they were.  To gain enough humility and self-respect to stay alive at all we had to give up what had really been our dearest possession - our ambitions and our illegitimate pride.  But even this was not enough.  Sacrifice had to go much further.  Other people had to benefit, too."

Okay, are you as sick of this crap as I am?  I take umbrage at the suggestion about personal sacrifice to "stay alive" - hardly worth it - and then I had to start doing nice things in the world at large.  I hate anything that starts with "other people."  As you may remember one of my founding life philosophies is that I don't care about other people.  Other people can go somewhere else.  Other people invariably annoy me.

Have a nice day elsewhere. 

Will You Still Love Me? When I'm 64?

 One of my life themes is this: Once I hit 65 I decided I could do whatever the fuck wanted.  SuperK points out that this has pretty much been my modus operandi for my entire life but then again she does a great job at pointing out my defects, foibles, and deficiencies, of which there are legion.  Another one of my themes in life has been complaining about the aging process.  This has always annoyed SuperK.  I blame my mama who was worried about The Nursing Home her whole life.  I never heard my grandparents complain about their health ever.

I think what I fear subconsciously is my own demise.  Indications of my own mortality are unwanted reminder of my own mortality.  On the one hand I'd like to live forever.  On the other hand I would not have made it to the ripe old age of 66 if I had continued drugging and drinking at the pace that I had set in my teens.  The old cosmic joke:  Fate or God or whoever is running the universe appears to have said: "I will give you dominion over all other forms of life.  BUT you will be the only species able to contemplate your death."  And the new cosmic joke is that man's life span has been steadily increasing but the additional years are tacked on at the end.  

Sometimes it seems that most older people are preoccupied with self-centered complaints.  Part of this is the normal pissed reaction that you'd expect from people who are feeling the aches and pains of aging more and more and part is an irritated reaction to feeling more and more invisible - we're ignored in stores by salespeople and don't see a lot of favorable reflections of themselves in popular culture.  There aren't a lot of TV shows or movies that feature wrinkling, sagging, farting, slow-moving dudes and dudettes.  The Elders of the village used to be the trusted sources of wisdom and experience - now we're not always treated as if we have anything useful to say.  Thank God for The Program - at least there the other members sort of have to pay attention to us old folks or at least pretend to.

I am of the opinion that the old have a duty to suffer the slings and arrows of aging with as much grace and determination as we can muster and avoid inflicting our discomforts on those who love us.  With a dignity that eschews self-pity.  I like being in A.A. with people my age.  We laugh about falling apart slowly but we're laughing and we're still moving.  This good humor and interest in others that we try to maintain even as the curtain closes is our attempt to fulfill our obligations to those that survive us.  I'm grateful for the gift of life that I have, undeservedly so, been given and have enjoyed for so long.

Anonymity

 Anonymity:  (You know what?  These definitions suck.  They accurately portray the concept that no name is known or given alright but don't give much weight to the idea that anonymity encourages humility so - fuck it - I'm not going to write anything down.)

More deep thinking on anonymity . . . 

In Bill W's seminal article on our spiritual principle he lists four reasons for our deep respect for anonymity:

1.  "It encourages alcoholics and the families of alcoholics to approach us for help."  While the concept of addiction and alcoholism is more widely accepted today than fifty years ago there is still a lot of stigma attached to it in some quarters where it's seen as a moral feeling or personal weakness.

So we're protecting the individual alcoholic.

2.  "It prevents our founders or leaders, so-called, from becoming household names who might at any time get drunk and give A.A. a black eye."

So we're protecting the Fellowship as a whole.

3.  "Almost every newspaper reporter is impressed when he realizes that here is a group of people who care nothing for personal gain."

So we're making sure that people who report on what's going on in the world have a good opinion of what we're trying to do.

4.  "John Q. Public is even more interested in our way of life.  Weary of pressure selling, spectacular promotion, and shouting public characters he is refreshed by our quietness, modesty, and anonymity.  It may be that he feels a great spiritual power is being generated on this account - that something new has come into his life."

So here is that spiritual principle in the flesh.  We are not calling attention to ourselves and many people find this enchanting.

More Fucking Honesty

Honesty:  Uprightness of character and action; it implies a refusal to lie, steal, or deceive in any way. 

Another word I've looked up over and over . . . And over and over I'm reminded that one is not being honest when someone else believes something that isn't true.  I don't get a pass for applying mental gymnastics to bend my words so that the person believes a falsehood even though - technically - no lying words have passed my lips.  There are no get out of jail free cards here.  I'm telling the truth or I'm not.

I've chosen to travel on the path of recovery.  Because of this, there are certain requirements necessary for my growth and learning.  One of them is honesty with myself and with others.  If I'm not honest with others, I'll suffer because the truth will come out.  If I'm not honest with myself it's going to hinder my ability to grow closer to others.  Honesty with others builds trust, trust builds love, and love makes life so much better.

I was moved to look up the definition again as the result of a situation at my Home Group.  As I've mentioned ad infinitum we have an on-going struggle with some homeless, mentally-ill people coming for the free coffee and staying for the free coffee while taking a break from the coffee to splash around in the bathroom before going for more coffee and touching all of the cookies in the cookie bin.  I'm from the East and the Midwest where the techniques for dealing with these people are a lot more linear and a lot less accommodating; moreover, personally I find their presence very distracting.  I have trouble paying attention to the readings when some dude has just had a loud shouting match with an imaginary rival who he thinks is sitting in the corner.  On two subsequent days I drove to the meeting in a great mood but was so annoyed by these antics that I got up and left shortly after the meeting began.  This behavior was noticeable.  The second time I slipped out I mimed to one man that I had a dentist appointment and I whispered to a second the same thing.  In my defence it wasn't appropriate for me to stop and give a detailed explanation as to why I was leaving but I still didn't tell the truth.  I wasn't trying to harm anyone and I was trying to be respectful to the flow of the meeting but . . . 

I need to make an amends to these two men.  I'm not worried about this.  They'll both take this as a minor incident and profess support.  For me, I have to hew to the reminder found on the flip side of our A.A. coins: To Thine Own Self Be True.  If I'm uncomfortable with how I'm behaving I don't have to clear this behavior with anyone else.  It's not for me.

OK - Who Here Despises Me?

 "I never make the mistake of arguing with people for whose opinions I have no respect."  Edward Gibbon

No matter how convincing I am or how much I argue there are some people whose opinion I will never be able to change.  Fair enough.  But the question is this: Why do I give a shit?  Usually the people I argue with - sometimes in person but most of the time in my own head, by myself, talking away, gesticulating wildly - are people who I don't like or don't care that much about.  Why I spend time doing this is a mystery even to me.

Do I respect these people?  Would a change in their opinion benefit me?  Are they generally interested in my best welfare?  Sometimes I struggle to change the opinion of those who have never supported me, rather than talking with those who have always been there for me.  To distinguish between the two is the difference between disapproval and tension, and love and acceptance.

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes revolves around George questioning Jerry about his girlfriend,  who loathes George. 

"So she doesn't like me?"

"No."

"She said that?"

"Yes."

"She told you she doesn't like me?"

"Yes."

"What were her exact words?"

"I.  Don't. Like. Him!"

"Jerry, she hates me so much I find her irresistible."

Why do we do this to ourselves?  It's hilarious.  I have struggled with this over the years.  I am drawn like a moth to a blowtorch to people I don't like very much . . . and that's a HUGE fucking  list, I gotta tell ya'.  I'm fascinated by the amount of contempt I can hork up.  I'm exaggerating a bit here but I really spend more time in my head arguing with people who aren't a big part of my life than I do actually talking to those who love me.  

Happily, in the last year or so I've experienced a great release from this type of thinking.  I want to point out that I'm sober nearly 36 years and I've just now gotten to a place where I feel this freedom.  Part of my challenge is that I try to stay in touch with a lot of people - too many people, really - and then I get frustrated when the effort isn't reciprocated in kind.  This is hardly fair - people are busy and people don't have the interest or the time to participate in what is my obsession.  

Let 'em go, let 'em go, let 'em go. 

Principles and Personalities

Principle:  A fundamental assumption or guiding belief; moral rule or aspect.

Personality:  Charisma, or qualities that make a person stand out from a crowd. 

Bill W has this to say about anonymity in an article he wrote in 1946:  "Subtly but powerfully it reminds us that we are always to place principles before personalities; that we have renounced personal glorification in public; that our movement not only preaches but actually practices a true humility."  The definitions are interesting, no?  I'm not to strive to stand out, to be special, but rather to hew to a set of moral beliefs.  It makes the phrase "principles before personalities" really sing, really resonate.  I've typed in the definition of humility so many times I can't do it again but the jist is not that we think we're not worth anything at all but rather that we don't think our worth exceeds that of others.  Not a piece of shit and not God's gift to mankind; just a sheep, just a wildebeest in the middle of everything.

In the first forward of the book Alcoholics Anonymous the principle of anonymity is mentioned only three times: "Being mostly business or professional folk some of us could not carry on our occupations if known"; "when writing or speaking publicly about alcoholism, we urge each of our Fellowship to omit his personal name, designating himself instead as a member of A.A."; and "very earnestly we ask the press also to observe this request for otherwise we shall be greatly handicapped."

I laugh at my long-held belief that anonymity is about protecting myself.  I think that this is important as you see in Bill's writing; I was very careful about protecting my personal anonymity when I was working because even today a lot of people see addiction as a moral failing or a lack of self-control.  When I see an A.A. member in public with someone I don't know I try to catch their eye before approaching them to see if I can pick up a subtle cue as to the wisdom of trying to explain how we know each other in front of someone who may be unaware of the A.A. membership.  But I have to remember that the real guiding spiritual principle behind anonymity is that I need to quit thinking of myself as so transcendently special.  It just ain't so.