I Have My Standards

"If there's one thing that I hate, it's being called a liar. Unless I happen to be lying, have just finished telling a lie, or am about to begin lying."

Dream On, Mr. Businessman

Dreamer: An impractical person; visionary; one who lives in dreamland, a lovely but imaginary place.

Some day I'm going to try to live in the world that actually exists. I hasten to add that my plans are not immediate or urgent. I find the real world to be harsh; there are lots of clanging bells and rapidly flashing lights and noxious stimuli. There are nasty surprises. I'd rather close my eyes, kick back, and drift through some fanciful bullshit alternate reality.


I find this a pleasant way to spend time at work.

"Dream on, Mr. Businessman." Jimi Hendrix

Bad Seed

Motive: Refers to any impulse, emotion, or desire that moves one to action (greed was his only motive for stealing).


I try to remember to pay attention to the rationale behind what I'm doing. It's not always very good. It's very rarely any good. It's never any good.

Usually, I'm trying to get something for myself. While this is quite distasteful and the definition of selfish, it's made even worse by the fact that a lot of the time I'm kind of pleased when someone else does poorly or is denied something that they want. It's the Horseface Variation of the slogan: Misery loves company. If I can't be happy, I want you to be miserable. It's not that I want you to be a little unhappy, it's that I want you to be really, really miserable.

I used to watch a lot of sports. Mostly, this is because it was pretty easy to do while smoking weed and drinking heavily. Certainly it was easier than doing the sport itself. Now, in my defense, which is one of my favorite expressions, I have the hand-eye coordination of a drunk two year old, and I'm not fast or quick or strong or graceful or steely or confident, all of which contribute to my consistently poor performance in sports. I tried to participate in everything when I was younger but decided that I could humiliate myself in a less public way.

As I stayed sober I started getting out and doing things instead of watching other people do things on The TV. When I did watch, I found that much of the time I was rooting against a team rather than rooting for someone to do well. It's the Horseface Variation on the theme: I Don't Care Who Wins as Long as You Lose. There are more noble ways of living your life than that one.

I see this play out in our politics, too. A lot of people with all kinds of different political beliefs seem to be motivated by a desire to see the other side fail. I can barely talk to people who disagree with me anymore; they seem to enjoy heaping humiliation on their opponents. If I can't get my way, I'm going to make damn sure you don't get yours.

Pleasure in the misfortune of others. Ah, yes, something else to be proud of.

Lying v. More Lying

Lie: A false statement or action, especially one made with the intent to deceive; anything that gives or is meant to give a false impression.

Lie is the simple, direct word meaning to make a deliberately false statement.

I wonder why lying isn't one of the 7 Deadly Sins. Apparently, it's more minor in nature. All that does is encourage me to do it a lot since I know that there really isn't anything in the way of dire consequences beyond a couple of Hail Marys or splashing around a little holy water.

It's not that I can't see the error of my ways -- it's that I can't seem to stop myself. There can be a lot of pleasure in sinning.

Most of us are born to some kind of greatness. My talent seems to have fallen under the broad category of doing things to give a false impression, which doesn't sound as bad as lying. Now, of course, I would rather have developed into a great doctor or preacher or public servant of some kind, but that is the hand that I've been dealt. I'm a born liar. I should have been a spook for the CIA.

I enjoy lying, to be honest about it. Although sometimes when I'm really telling a corker I'll add the "to be honest about it" phrase, so you may want to take that comment with a grain of salt. Lying comes to me naturally. I can look someone in the eye and spool out the most incredible BS, and I don't pause a beat even when I can tell that nobody is buying into the spirit of the lie.

I'm a purist when I'm practicing my specialty. I have standards, a code.

While I enjoy the direct, bold-faced lie, my favorite is the lie of misdirection. This is where technically I tell the truth -- there is no false information in the words themselves -- while still managing to make you believe something that isn't true.

I'm also quite good at the honest lie. This is where I tell the same incorrect story over and over for so long that I forget it isn't true and begin to believe it myself. I told stories for years before figuring out that they weren't true.

"I don't believe I ever did that," I'd think.

And of course who can discount the situational lie? This is where I change the volume and intensity of the lie depending on the subject and situation. For example, let's say I went out and drank 10 beers. I'd tell my friends that I had twice that many, because it made me look good or something while telling my parents or boss or Officer Harm that I had two.

I bet I could beat a lie detector test.

Pride V. Humility

Pride: An over-high opinion of oneself; exaggerated self-esteem; conceit.

Humility: Having or showing a consciousness of one's own defects or shortcomings; not proud; not self-assertive; modest.


Pride is the keystone of the 7 Deadly Sins. In some quarters it's considered the most serious sin -- not a small achievement since we're talking about the 7 worst sins -- and the one from which all of the other Deadly Sins emanate. I personally don't know where these quarters are: I'm just passing along rumors and unsubstantiated gossip that I've overheard. But pride is the original Mother of all sins, so to speak.

I've also heard some people in totally different quarters use the alternate word"vainglory." It's a great word. Then, if you so choose, you can be vainglorious. It sounds somehow worse and better than proud all at the same time.

It's funny when you think about it, how poorly we have handled the gifts that we've been given. Everybody is given gifts; most of us are given more than our fair share, and some of us are ridiculously blessed, despite all of the bitching we do about how badly we've been screwed.


Unfortunately, we have a tendency to take what we have been given and tell everyone all about it, implying that we are responsible for what we have. "I'm better than you," we think. If you're born with a sharp mind or great athletic ability or, as in my case, you are ridiculously good looking -- they don't call me Horseface for nothing -- then . . . so what? What exactly did you have to do with it?


Now it's important that we are all good stewards of the gifts that we have. Most of us have done a lot of squandering. Let's say that you're a good athlete and you practice hard and get better: I say good for you. That's something to be proud about. The definition of pride suggests that we can have a justified sense of our worth or accomplishments.


So when I bathe and comb my hair and some other attractive person says: "Lookin' good, Horseface!" I can reply: "Well, duh." All I'm saying is that it's OK to be proud of my good lucks, but when I get together with other really good looking people and we make fun of those who are not as good looking, well, that is completely wrong.

I'll try not to do that today.

Anger V. Patience

Anger: A feeling that may result from injury, mistreatment, opposition, etc.; it usually shows itself in a desire to hit out at something or someone else.

Wrath: Inordinate or uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger.

(I'm putting wrath in because it was one of the original 7 Sins. There has been some tinkering with them over the years by popes and other dudes in the know. Also, I think that the word wrath looks like its meaning. It looks like it's going to come at you).

Patience: The bearing of suffering, provocation, delay, tediousness, etc. with calmness and self-control.

The thing with the 7 Deadly Sins, really, is that it all loops back around to fear. Men especially love anger. It's so manly to get really pissed off. I'm not suggesting that women haven't developed the capacity to pitch a bitch from time to time. I do live with SuperK, after all. I have personal experience, strength, hope, and stark, raving terror to share on this topic. Not now, though. I think she's lurking in the hallway, spying on me.


Instead of saying: "I'm scared," I can just blow my stack, yell and scream and bend things and threaten violence. It's easier than dealing with the fear, especially when I vent my anger at someone smaller and less violent than me. Try it with a child sometime; it's especially effective when you weigh 150 lbs more that the target of your anger.

I try not to do anything when I'm angry. As a general rule, I try to keep my mouth shut most of the time, anyway. When I talk, bad things happen. When I'm angry, I am a total idiot. Not a partial idiot. Full blown idiot.

Anger is the only one of the 7 Sins not associated with selfishness or self-interest.

I don't see how patience can actually exist in the realm that I inhabit.

Thinking About Me

Selfishness. That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Though if we think about it we usually don't think so. We don't think we behave badly and when we do, when even we can't ignore the fact that we are behaving badly, we resentfully seize on the fact that someone else may be behaving badly, too. It helps us to justify our own behavior to do this. Your mistakes are much easier to spot than my own, and much less painful to work on.

"Sure, I robbed that bank," I offer. "But their overdraft fees are ridiculous." This makes sense to me.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. Boy, is that true in my case. And the few troubles that I haven't caused by behaving badly generally fall under the Shit That Happens to Everyone category. Everybody has problems of money, sex, and power. It's hardly fair to raise such a stink when they happen to me. But my inner 5 year old -- the one that seems to run my life most of the time -- doesn't like it.

"Why did I get sick?" Little Horseface wails. "Why me? Why me? Why not someone else?"

You, for instance.

I do know that I am incapable of overcoming this selfishness on my own. Sometimes that pesky Higher Power comes in handy with this kind of heavy lifting. Mostly, though, my Higher Power puts a lot of work on my plate that I would rather have moved to your plate.

You have a very large plate.