Big Piece of Machinery

One Day At A Time.

Who comes up with this stuff? This slogan does not generally work for me unless we're talking about a day on Pluto, which lasts about 6 earth days. I think I could stay in a 6 day period. And I like the sound of the slogan better, too: Six Days At A Time.

And this despite the fact that the suggestion to live in the minute is part of the foundation of every religion and spiritual philosophy ever, as far as I can tell. It's the whole idea behind meditation: sit quietly and breathe, relax into the minute. Sit with yourself in the minute.

Usually I can feel my mind wind up slowly like a big piece of machinery starting up, gaining momentum.

Magnify: To cause (a person or thing) to seem greater, more important, etc. than is really so; exaggerate: as, she magnified her sufferings in telling about them.

I never tire marveling at my ability to imagine that things are worse than they are. If I do something wrong -- or think that I've done something wrong -- I can feed and nourish the illusion until it dwarfs King Kong, who was the absolute largest of all of the Kongs. He was no minor Kong, and don't you wonder why we don't ever hear of any of the other Kongs? If he was the King of one, what's the big deal? It would be like me being King Horseface. Sheeyat.

Most of the time, of course, I haven't really done anything wrong or, if I have, it isn't that big a deal. Often, I've just made a mistake. It's not the end of the world.

I never beep my car horn any more unless I'm trying to warn someone or greet a friend. When someone annoys me with their aggressive driving, I think: "Meh." The guy probably made a mistake. People aren't out there trying to find me, Horseface Steve, so that they can cut me off.

And god help us when things go well. I assume it's a cosmic mistake, a divine joke, Lucy pulling back the football one more time, as I soar through the air and land flat on my back. I assume the good times won't last long. I feel guilty.

Honestly I'm probably right in the middle of the Spectrum of Pain. I have some bad stuff happen and some good stuff, too. Nothing really awful and I haven't won the lottery yet.

Nature + Nurture = Horseface

Nature: Inborn character; innate disposition; inherent tendencies of a person.
Nurture: All of the environmental factors, collectively, to which the individual is subjected from conception onward.

Such a consistent feeling of guilt and unease I can generate when things are going well. It never ceases to amaze me how uncomfortable I can get when, as Jimi would say, The Good Times Roll.

Part of this I chalk up to my makeup as an alcoholic. I am a great crisis manager. Not as good as I am in creating problems, but still good.

I know my way around problems, both real and imagined. This is an important skill for someone who can generate a pretty good problem out of a little scrap metal and some baling wire, maybe some Gorilla glue. I can make a problem appear where no problem was before.

This is the Nature part.

Part of it is how we grow up. I got a lot of negative reinforcement when I was a kid; a lot of Look Out For The Locomotive. As a current example, my ma called yesterday, sick with a cold, and warned me ". . . not to go out in public." I assume that THERE MIGHT BE GERMS OUT THERE!

This is the Nurture part.

It's OK when things go well.

I Have My Standards

"If there's one thing that I hate, it's being called a liar. Unless I happen to be lying, have just finished telling a lie, or am about to begin lying."

Dream On, Mr. Businessman

Dreamer: An impractical person; visionary; one who lives in dreamland, a lovely but imaginary place.

Some day I'm going to try to live in the world that actually exists. I hasten to add that my plans are not immediate or urgent. I find the real world to be harsh; there are lots of clanging bells and rapidly flashing lights and noxious stimuli. There are nasty surprises. I'd rather close my eyes, kick back, and drift through some fanciful bullshit alternate reality.


I find this a pleasant way to spend time at work.

"Dream on, Mr. Businessman." Jimi Hendrix

Bad Seed

Motive: Refers to any impulse, emotion, or desire that moves one to action (greed was his only motive for stealing).


I try to remember to pay attention to the rationale behind what I'm doing. It's not always very good. It's very rarely any good. It's never any good.

Usually, I'm trying to get something for myself. While this is quite distasteful and the definition of selfish, it's made even worse by the fact that a lot of the time I'm kind of pleased when someone else does poorly or is denied something that they want. It's the Horseface Variation of the slogan: Misery loves company. If I can't be happy, I want you to be miserable. It's not that I want you to be a little unhappy, it's that I want you to be really, really miserable.

I used to watch a lot of sports. Mostly, this is because it was pretty easy to do while smoking weed and drinking heavily. Certainly it was easier than doing the sport itself. Now, in my defense, which is one of my favorite expressions, I have the hand-eye coordination of a drunk two year old, and I'm not fast or quick or strong or graceful or steely or confident, all of which contribute to my consistently poor performance in sports. I tried to participate in everything when I was younger but decided that I could humiliate myself in a less public way.

As I stayed sober I started getting out and doing things instead of watching other people do things on The TV. When I did watch, I found that much of the time I was rooting against a team rather than rooting for someone to do well. It's the Horseface Variation on the theme: I Don't Care Who Wins as Long as You Lose. There are more noble ways of living your life than that one.

I see this play out in our politics, too. A lot of people with all kinds of different political beliefs seem to be motivated by a desire to see the other side fail. I can barely talk to people who disagree with me anymore; they seem to enjoy heaping humiliation on their opponents. If I can't get my way, I'm going to make damn sure you don't get yours.

Pleasure in the misfortune of others. Ah, yes, something else to be proud of.

Lying v. More Lying

Lie: A false statement or action, especially one made with the intent to deceive; anything that gives or is meant to give a false impression.

Lie is the simple, direct word meaning to make a deliberately false statement.

I wonder why lying isn't one of the 7 Deadly Sins. Apparently, it's more minor in nature. All that does is encourage me to do it a lot since I know that there really isn't anything in the way of dire consequences beyond a couple of Hail Marys or splashing around a little holy water.

It's not that I can't see the error of my ways -- it's that I can't seem to stop myself. There can be a lot of pleasure in sinning.

Most of us are born to some kind of greatness. My talent seems to have fallen under the broad category of doing things to give a false impression, which doesn't sound as bad as lying. Now, of course, I would rather have developed into a great doctor or preacher or public servant of some kind, but that is the hand that I've been dealt. I'm a born liar. I should have been a spook for the CIA.

I enjoy lying, to be honest about it. Although sometimes when I'm really telling a corker I'll add the "to be honest about it" phrase, so you may want to take that comment with a grain of salt. Lying comes to me naturally. I can look someone in the eye and spool out the most incredible BS, and I don't pause a beat even when I can tell that nobody is buying into the spirit of the lie.

I'm a purist when I'm practicing my specialty. I have standards, a code.

While I enjoy the direct, bold-faced lie, my favorite is the lie of misdirection. This is where technically I tell the truth -- there is no false information in the words themselves -- while still managing to make you believe something that isn't true.

I'm also quite good at the honest lie. This is where I tell the same incorrect story over and over for so long that I forget it isn't true and begin to believe it myself. I told stories for years before figuring out that they weren't true.

"I don't believe I ever did that," I'd think.

And of course who can discount the situational lie? This is where I change the volume and intensity of the lie depending on the subject and situation. For example, let's say I went out and drank 10 beers. I'd tell my friends that I had twice that many, because it made me look good or something while telling my parents or boss or Officer Harm that I had two.

I bet I could beat a lie detector test.