Gall and Bile and Such

Gall:  Rudeness and the quality of being unable to understand that your behavior or what you say  is not acceptable to other people.

I took a phone call yesterday from a dude I sponsor if by "sponsor" you mean "I talk to him sometimes so he can ignore me and feel better about himself."  I'm kidding - he's a good guy and works hard at getting better.  He wanted to talk about a co-worker that he was thinking of garroting and then burying in a shallow grave.  I listened and he talked a blue streak for the better part of an hour.  I could have put the phone down and taken a nap - he wouldn't have known the difference.  I've learned that most of the time people just want to unburden themselves.  They don't want my advice.  I don't blame them.  My advice usually sucks.  I never suggest that anyone take my advice.  Stop someone on the street and ask their advice.  It'd probably work better.

This is how we help each other.  I know my friend and I know that he wasn't lying to me or making shit up.  He was probably exaggerating to make himself look better but that's SOP.  It made me think about the difference between wisdom and knowledge and how wisdom is a combination of knowledge and experience, often earned in painful ways.  When I'm right and the other person is wrong it's awfully hard for me to try to find the middle ground.  The middle ground is that I'm fucking right and you need to back off.

It also made me think about how we all need to strike a balance between being right and respecting ourselves.  As a recovering alcoholic I don't grovel in the mud before anyone anymore.  I stand tall, on my own two feet.  So with each situation I have to ask myself if this is a case where I need to assert myself and protect my own ego (rare) or do I need to be the bigger person, the man with a Program, the man on a spiritual quest (distressingly fucking common).

This guy took a series of aggressive texts from the asshole who was complaining about a minor matter where my buddy was indeed at fault, and they ruined his entire day.  He demonstrated spiritual growth by not responding in kind.  Good for him but he seethed about the unfairness of the situation.  As an older guy I can't afford to have entire days ruined anymore - I don't have enough days left to have any ruined.  I did not suggest this at the end of our conversation that he might have responded like this: "Hey, man, sorry about that.  I know that when I do this it upsets our boss and both of our days go better when the boss is in a good mood.  Thanks for having my back.  I owe you one."

Can you visualize the gall of the other man to reduce my friend to this state, the choking, poisonous bile he would have had to swallow to write that?  He was right and the other guy was wrong!  This is unfair!!  But would he have ruined an entire day so that he could assert his self-righteous prerogative?  Probably not.  I kept this to myself as the situation seemed still too urgent.  He'll figure it out.

This is how we pass the love back and forth in The Fellowship.  We make each other think.  When we have some pertinent experience, strength, and hope we pass it along.  When we need some ES&H we ask for it and honor the other man with the request.

Not That Important

 I've got a birthday coming up soon.  Birthdays used to be a cause for celebrating (Or: drinking and using, as if I needed a reason/excuse to drink and use).  Or at least a time to procure some more swag that I didn't need.  Now what I mostly do is make a quick calculation as to how much time I have left on this mortal coil.  Usually I'm quick to point out the downside of anything while ignoring the upside but here's an exception.

I walked about five miles to an auto repair shop to pick up my wife's car.  My recollection is that I was told the car would be ready in the morning.  I don't recollect anyone saying that they'd call me as soon as it was ready.  All of this may be true or some of it or none of it at all.  Which isn't really the point.  The point is that when I got there the car wasn't finished and it wasn't going to be finished anytime soon.   Had I reacted on my knee-jerk action I would have been unpleasant because what I wanted was for the car to be ready.  This was what I wanted and what I want is really the only thing I care about.  

The upside?  I've learned through hard experience to keep my fucking mouth shut when I'm disturbed for any reason.  Restraint of tongue and pen and internet and all that.  And when my mouth is shut I usually arrive at the million dollar question: "How important is this?"  And almost immediately the million dollar answer appears: "Not very important."  And I let it go and my day moves on, without much collateral damage.

O.J.

We have play tickets at a theater about 50 miles from where we live so when we attend a performance we often spend the night so we can visit a museum and eat some unusual ethnic food - it's a cultural night out.  Our last hotel provided free parking but it was valet only.  Frankly, I can park my own car.  I can almost see where they park it.  Instead of waiting for some kid to get my car I could walk down and get it myself and be at the theater before I reached the head of the valet queue.  One of my buy-coffee-for-the-person-behind-me resolutions for the last several years has been to tip like a billionaire.  Actually, I'm probably more generous than that although it sticks slightly in my craw every time I do it.  We were in and out of the hotel twice so that was $20 in tips.  I can afford this and the guys who were fetching and retrieving the vehicle . . . god only knows how they can afford to live in this quite expensive city.  I feel like I'm being of service when I do this.  I feel like some of the money that God has so generously showered on me is meant for other people.  In the moment it's still a weird experience being generous but I know that it's one of those behaviors that makes me a better person.

To continue: I use a hotel booking website that provides some benefits to people that book enough hotels and we have accrued enough good will that we receive a $50 breakfast credit at most places.  I know this sounds like a lot but we're in L.A. so a couple of breakfast burritos with the tip pre-added and a delivery fee and there's your $50.  We had a little money left over so SuperK - ever the thrifty German - got a couple of $6 glasses of orange juice to take us right up to the edge.  We don't leave money on the table, goddammit.  A few minutes later the room service folks called up to say that they had made a mistake, that we had gone over the limit, so SuperK just had them remove the juices. But when the guy shows up with our food he also had the drinks.  I told him we didn't order them while I was tipping him an additional $5.  I changed my mind and said: "You know what - we'll take the juice."  He told me he'd have to charge me for them.  I waved him off cheerfully.  He paused for a minute and then said: "You know what - I don't feel like taking them back" and passed them back over to me.  Yeah, they're sitting on a cart that he's going to wheel back to the kitchen so it didn't look like it was going to be too much work.  I think it was just our whole demeanor and attitude that did it.  And the $5 didn't hurt, either.

Find a Mirror

 I do best when I'm looking inside.  God knows I like to look outside.  It's a hell of a lot easier finding fault in other people, places, and things than it is looking inward and trying to decide if I need to do some work and change something or if I've done all I can and now I need to sit patiently, quietly, and wait to see what's next.  I like working on you.  It's a lot less painless than working on me.

"The Serenity Prayer in your own words."

One of my good buddies at the morning meeting finally fed up with the homeless situation, called me, and unburdened himself, maintaining that we need to ban this one particularly disruptive guy.  He's a well-respected elder statesman in the meeting, not contaminated with the stink of being a grenade-throwing malcontent like me.  I told him I had his back.  I told him I'd stop by a church out in our neighborhood that I know is sympathetic to The Fellowship and when I did this they were receptive to hosting a new meeting.  When I told my friend he was awfully noncommittal.  Uh-Oh, I thought, here goes Charlie Brown barreling toward the football that he's finally sure that Lucy isn't going to snatch away at the last moment and I'm flat on my back again.  Got to laugh at ourselves.

I think that a big part of my general sense of annoyance at the world in general is a pretty deep frustration with the state of affairs in my country.  I totally get that we fiercely defend our personal liberty and the right to do what we think is best individually but after a while it just seems to me to be boorishly selfish.  I continue to go to my morning meeting and I continue to be irritated - not profoundly irritated but definitely irritated - and I suspect that I feel the absence of the people who left and I'm nurturing an indignation that they broke all kinds of laws and ignored the pleas from the medical community to avoid large gatherings is still alive and well.  The stuff that goes on in the meeting I attend isn't significant enough to explain my severe self-righteousness.

Find a mirror.  Look at the mirror.  See the problem.

Shuffling Off This Mortal Coil

  Relaxed:  Free from tension and anxiety; at ease.

Whoa, those are bullshit words, man, and not in my lexicon.  You'd think that this would be internalized into my machinery after 65 years shuffling around this mortal coil but it's never easier for me to go slowly, quietly into the night.  I have been applying tension to my person for my entire life and while I've learned over the years - through diligent, exhausting practice - how to torque the tension down a great deal it's still a big part of my make-up.  The status quo is meant to be pulverized is how I see things.

So I get a lot done.  I do a lot of things.  That's great if I could let it be but there's always more to be done and this attitude can lead to frustration at the end of the day.  In my work life I looked at a lot of machinery with a lot of moving parts.  The designers were always trying to balance tension with life span - the more tension that they applied the more power and speed the machine could deliver but the more tension placed on the equipment would lead to shit breaking.  It was fascinating looking at some of these systems, marveling at the violence of the operations.  I'd watch, expecting something to break every time a big piece of metal would index.  Fascinating stuff and I'll tell you I keep my hands and feet and face way the hell out of the way.  I was quite careful about moving through those environments.

So this is inside my head.  Big pieces of metal clanging together at high speed.

More, more, more!!

"Shuffling off this mortal coil" is from Hamlet should you be interested.  I looked this up after hearing it in an episode of Bosch, if you can believe that.  And Bosch's first name is Hieronymus or Harry for short.  Look up some of that dude's paintings if you want to see how an apocalyptic mind works.

Free Coffee!

  I took a walk today to the local hardware store to pick up an odd, circular fluorescent light bulb that I had to special order.  I didn't need one, mind you - I just felt like buying something weird.  A light bulb in the shape of a circle.  I had to have one of those.  I might put it in my Discarded Items Garden which is currently populated by old cell phones and camcorders, little chess pieces molded in the shapes of Simpson's characters, a wooden electric clock stuck at ten past five - A.M. or P.M is anybody's guess - and other pieces of flotsam and jetsam.  There are also a bunch of cactus and palm trees that are defended by an impressively vicious array of thorns and needles and stickers.

Anyway, I stopped in for what I used to call my Overpriced Specialty Coffee Drink with my tongue firmly in my cheek but now - Jesus! - these drinks really do cost too much.  (BTW, tongue-in-cheek originates from the idea that one is biting one's tongue to keep from laughing as one tells a whopper although I'd say tongue-between-teeth makes more sense).  As I do from time to time, as the mood strikes me, I ordered my coffee and turned around to the next person in line and said "And whatever she's having," hoping the next person isn't ordering drinks for the entire office.  I do this primarily to see the look on people's faces.  I'd say the look is akin to tossing a live hand grenade back or releasing a particularly toxic fart.  People freeze.  I can see the thought process: "OK, what's the game here?"  They don't process the idea that it's a few bucks out of my pocket and often look a little wary.

The woman thanked me again, ordered something ordinary, and froze again when I said: "No, that's too expensive."  Alright, that was one extremely dry and weird quip too far but I had to give it a whirl.  The woman behind the counter said: "Well, that was sweet."  It all makes me ponder the very real possibility that this just never happens.  When did we get so self-absorbed that buying a coffee for someone unbidden is such a shocker?  I know half the reason I do it is that it forces me to quit thinking about myself for one fucking minute.  Yeah, and the shock value is way up there, too.

Dynamic Seaweed

 Energy:  Dynamic Quality.

I find myself returning again and again to the idea of an energy force or feeling that I sense coming from people I'm in contact with.  I believe that the years I've spent meditating and trying to see a greater purpose in the universe has slowly, slowly, slowly given me insight into other people.  I notice a lot more quickly than I used to whether someone gives off a good vibe or a negative vibe.  I believe I can size someone up in short order.  Maybe most people can do this normally, I dunno, but I sure couldn't before I began my spiritual journey.  I was either astoundingly easily to bullshit or I chose to ignore the bullshit some people were flinging around.  But no more.  There are people I'm drawn to, people that I want to interact with, and there are people I hope spend their time away from me.  Life can be challenging enough without being dragged down by people that are at war with the world.

Intuitively

Locomotion:  The power or the act of moving from one place to another. 

I cannot stress how important this idea of moving carefully and mindfully through the day is to me.  That I'm responsible for locomotion and that God is responsible for results.  That I'm responsible for moving forward even when the destination isn't clear to me.  That - if I'm steady and aware and in contact - I'll do the right thing even if it leads to a result I find to be painful or unwelcome.  I'm not in the business of avoiding pain anymore.  I don't like it, of course, but I see the beauty and necessity in it sometimes.  It's a great teacher, pain is.  If I'm in a burning building the pain of the flames tells me to vamoose.

I've always held on to the promise that I'm going to intuitively understand things that used to baffle me.

If you want a parking spot you should really try driving around the block and looking for a parking spot.

Proverb-a-geddon

Courtesy of my current morning meditation book . . . 

There is more to life than increasing its speed.  - Gandhi

We come into this world crying while all around us are smiling.  May we live so that as we exit we're smiling while everyone else is weeping.  - Persian Proverb

There are three things that only God knows: the beginning of things; the cause of things; and the end of things.  - Welsh Proverb

I guess the message here is don't change anything, ever.  - Rob B

And my personal favorite this week:

Pray to God but row away from the rocks.   -  Indian Proverb

I did NOT attend the business meeting yesterday.  I may have mentioned that already.  I did not MISS being at the business meeting.  I really can't remember HAVING business meetings in sincity or Chicago, at least not regularly.  If something needed to be addressed the members would take a quick group conscience and make a quick decision.  If you weren't there, well, tough shit.  Show up every week and you won't be cut out of the loop.

I feel a little weird as an old-timer being involved in these kinds of decisions, anyway.  Just because I've been sober a long time and have attended meetings regularly this doesn't give me some special influence or power.  Life in A.A. - life in general - is much different than it was in the late 80s.  If I'm overly involved in deciding how things should be run then I'm depriving the newer people of their say in how the Program is going to look going on.  People have cell phones and social media account now.  They text and chat online.  When I was getting sober (there it is again!  when I was getting sober, whippersnapper) the only way to get in touch with another person without seeing them in person was to make a phone call, from your dwelling, to another person who also had to be home and who didn't have an answering machine or voice mail.  This seems right to me.  A sponsee checking in with a one line text message doesn't do it for me.  But what am I going to do, in my dinosaur phase.

The homeless issue - the cookie-chomping, coffee-guzzling, washroom- bathing homeless people issue - was solved by the people that went to the business meeting in this fashion: it was decided that because we've got some "scary people" showing up we need to make sure that more than one person is in the room before the secretary locks up and leaves the building.  Me?  I would get rid of the fucking scary people.  The group?  Make sure no one is left alone in the basement with the scary people.

2/4 or 4/4 or Wild Improvisation?

 There's a dude that attends my regular meeting who has been sober over 40 years.  Like many of us he marches to his own weird, abstract drummer.  We don't have a lot of people that march to normal, 2/4 beat drummers.  There's a lot of improvisation going on.  Every few years he goes on a hiatus from Alcoholics Anonymous, as in: no meetings at all.  He doesn't stop a recovery program, he just stays out of The Rooms.  Personally, I never thought this was a great idea.  It might work for him but I never liked the suggestion that not attending A.A. was the best idea for most of us.  

A few years ago I grabbed him after a meeting to get a more in-depth take on his strategy.  His belief is that A.A. can become a mindless time-filler for him, a habit without much depth to it, where he isn't paying close attention to the substance of the meetings.  I started to get a better understanding at where he was coming from.  I mean . . . I can read How It Works in a meeting while I'm holding an internal discussion with myself.  I'm not paying any attention at all to the text I'm reading.

On these two long trips where I had no access to meetings I found that my mind relaxed without the time constraints of the whole meeting experience.  I picked up new habits, I worked on different things, I had time for activities that may have been helping me grow spiritually, mentally, emotionally because I wasn't tied in to this routine of sitting in meetings that had become increasingly rote and uninspiring and consequently frustrating and unfulfilling.  

Business Meeting Blues

 One of my major beefs with my meeting has been the constant presence of a cadre of homeless people.  I seem to be a lot more annoyed at these folks than most of the regular attendees, all Super-Nice California types, so this is my issue to deal with.  Still, having several individuals wander in and out of the meeting, slurping multiple cups of coffee half full of creamer and sugar, scarfing cookies, taking mini-baths in the restrooms, mumbling to themselves and waving their hands about, is so distracting to me that sometimes I have trouble paying attention to the . . . you know . . . meeting going on.

Today the group has its business meeting, a typical A.A. affair where people talk endlessly about unimportant matters before voting to think about it some more and revisit the issue at the next business meeting.  Wash, spin, dry, repeat.  I had decided, in my self-righteous, self-important, pedantic way to bring up beef with the homeless today.  Because they steadfastly refuse to change their behavior the only solutions I could see would be to stop serving food and drink for a month or two or to banish a couple from the meeting.  The latter choice is so drastic that we have to be careful that we don't deprive someone a chance to get sober, no matter how small.  Nonetheless and despite the attitude of all most all of the Super Nice People I believe this can and should be done on rare occasions.  The group is more important than the individual for without the group most of us are going to be in the shit.  Frankly, some of these people have been coming to the meeting for 10 years and until and unless they get their various mental illnesses addressed they've no chance of getting sober.  We're Alcoholics Anonymous, not CAL Social Services.

I say the Serenity Prayer in my Quiet Time each day or my version of it: If I'm supposed to do something help me do it; if I'm not supposed to do something help me to wait patiently; and show which is which.  I started wondering what my motives were because I didn't see the group making any changes.  I was probably going to make some members angry or irritated, at least, and I was going to make myself irritated for sure.  So I didn't go.  I bet they did fine without me.

If you want a resentment go to a business meeting.

Self-Supporting

 Ah, yes, the Seventh Tradition.  Everyone knows what it says but how many of us have taken the time to understand why it's so necessary?  What it means.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous was written in 1939 but the Traditions didn't come about until 1946 and the 12 & 12 - where the Steps and the Traditions were fleshed out in much greater detail - first appeared in 1953.  These Traditions - called Twelve Points to Assure Our Future initially - were born out of hard experience in the chaos that is A.A.  None of them were tossed out casually.  All of them were necessary to make sure we didn't eat ourselves alive.  Those first several years were the wild, wild West in A.A.

I've heard it said the Steps are for the individual and the Traditions are for the groups for without the group the individual is in a whole lot of trouble.  Individuals get to do what they want as long as they don't threaten the group and the group gets to do what it wants as long as it doesn't threaten A.A. as a whole.  I'm always struck by the fact that both the Steps and the Traditions key on those core ideas of money, power, prestige, those things that can destroy both the individual and the group if left unchecked.

Some interesting anecdotes: at the start I bitched mightily about putting money in the basket but I always - ALWAYS - had the cash for drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes.  If you can afford an overpriced specialty coffee drink you can afford to contribute to your group.

When I was getting sober I set a jar near my front door and every day I tossed in the money I would have spent on those three staples.  I was flabbergasted by how fast it added up.  I should mention that I was drinking quarts of Colt 45, not Chivas Regal, so the daily contributions were pretty meager.

Have you checked out the prices for alcohol at a restaurant lately?  Holy shit, who can afford to drink that stuff?  I should be throwing a twenty into the basket.  I'd still be getting off cheap.

Some Distancing, Dude

 I've taken two six week vacations recently into areas that are remote enough so that they don't support A.A. meetings or where English isn't the language spoken.  And on the rare occasions where I had an opportunity to attend it would have required me to drive at night on roads that seemed to have been designed by insane meth addicts.  In the U.K. driving on rural roads - which were usually about a lane and a half wide and twisted unconscionably left and right constantly while popping up over blind rises with never a verge in sight - took all of my driving skills during the day when I was fresh and hyper-alert.  I suppose I could have looped in a Zoom meeting but I'm through with that worthy medium and back into The Rooms.

The point is this: I didn't really miss it.  In the past a prolonged, forced absence from meetings ended up with one increasingly squirrelly dude but I was just fine this time.  I'm having difficulty at the moment overcoming my impression that a lot of meetings are taking a stance one way or the other on controversial issues.  The content isn't always overt but the subtext is palpable and it makes me uncomfortable.  Now, God forbid I become one of those long-timers who make up crap like "when I was getting sober we made due with dry Sanka - we chewed on the crystals and we didn't use any water, either" and share other apocryphal stories but . . . this is not the atmosphere I remember as a newcomer.  Part of this, I guess, is that I've been sober 35 years and I hope my diligence with my recovery has paid some dividends so that a daily meeting is no longer required and also I readily admit that I'm a lot less willing to get up too early or stay up too late for my meetings.  I'm more likely to be dozing off at 9 PM than listening to a drunk share at a meeting.

I never thought I'd find myself at a point where not being at a meeting is often more enjoyable than being at a meeting.  I'm not quitting entirely but I've cut back and to no ill effect that I can see.  I have been careful to talk about this with some of my trusted A.A. advisors and counselors and co-sponsors - not Willie, of course - so that they can help me ferret out any hidden justifications and have gotten a clean bill of health so far with the suggestion I stay on top of this rapidly developing situation and continue my other recovery/spiritual growth work.

Who'd a thunk it?

The Big Divide

 I have a tendency to go big or to not go at all as befits a man of extremes yet here I sit in a Program that preaches moderation as a virtue of sorts.  It teaches me that I have a responsibility to move forward while being mindful of red lights and stop signs and brick walls.  I would wallow in self-pitying lethargy and then drive full speed off a bridge, ignoring the signs that said that the road ended and there was no bridge anyway.  I'm a lot better at doing things than sitting quietly, trying to read the signs and hear the small, still voices that tell me what I should I do.  I'm a man with a lot of screaming, shrieking maniacs in my head.  It's not easy to hear the wisdom found in whispers over that cacophony.

I've always wanted to live in Europe.  I'm grateful of the advantages my upbringing afforded me but I'm a restless man, too, and I like to take chances and have adventures and see new things.  Up to this point I've satisfied those urges by visiting places on vacation.  Recently we've taken two pretty long trips to two of our favorite places and found that we really, really enjoyed it, to the point of not wanting to come home.  In the past at the end of a long trip I was ready for the end but not on these two trips.  There are a variety of reasons for this and while I think it's better to run towards something I like and not away from something I don't here in The States we're pretty divided and I feel that this division has seeped into the rooms.  We're congregating with like-minded people more and more, to the detriment of the recovery community.  

This is all personal speculation, of course.  A lot of people don't see anything wrong and a lot more choose to ignore these tensions.  People who obviously do a better job of practicing tolerance and patience than I do.  Anyway, the point of this screed is that when I was in Europe - in rural Europe - I had no access to in-person meetings and for the first time in my life I didn't miss them.  So often today I feel the strain of our political divided - real or imagined - and chafe at the homeless people who have found a cookie-coffee home in our overly generous community.  But not this time.  It was relaxing not being in a contentious environment.

Roller Coaster High

 Was today an ordinary day, one filled with the usual events, the same people, the same routine?  If nothing unusual or out-of-the-ordinary happened, are we now feeling a little ho-hum about the day's predictable pattern?

Before we came into The Program, our lives were like roller coaster rides.  We'd either be on a downward plunge or an upward lift of ecstasy.  We kept going from high to high and calling our highs happiness.  Today our lives aren't so dramatic nor filled with such radical swings.  Because we can't equate our happiness with those highs, we are often uncomfortable with feelings that don't include ecstasy or depression.  Today we feel contentment, cheerfulness, and peace.  I complained to a sponsor once about being bored and he said: "I think you're confusing serenity with boredom."

I've always said that I wanted every day to be Friday night - before a week of vacation - and I had six beers under my belt and I was tripping and I was right at the top of the first big hill on the baddest roller coaster in the land, everything in sync, everything working, the drugs and alcohol holding off, overwhelming the inevitable anxiety and fear for a little while, just a little while  . . . 

Not the way to live.

Talking About Drinking

 I have a friend here who's been sober for over 40 years and I sometimes wonder how he's accomplished this.  He's a bit of an iconoclast.  He's mostly in the mainstream of standard A.A. thinking until he's not and this I'm fine with.  We're not in the business of telling people what to do and how to do it.  I always say if you're staying sober (and drug free, in my case) and are relatively happy then you should keep doing what you're doing because we can't really improve on that.  Shit, my buddy LSD Tom thinks it's OK to use hallucinogens occasionally and remain sober.  I believe this is nuts but after I did a little research on it I see he's got a point, technically.  He's a good dude and his life is pretty calm and successful so he should keep doing what he's doing.  BTW, his nickname has remained a closely guarded personal secret.

Anyway, my iconoclastic friend says that he's a "recovered" alcoholic.  He thinks we talk about drinking too much and about recovery too little.  "Alcohol is but a symptom" after all.  I get his point - nobody wants to listen to a long drunk-alog where most of the share is about all the excitement and fun that alcohol can provide, especially in the early days of our drinking.  A few times I've left a speaker meeting thinking: "Whew, that sounded pretty good - why did I quit drinking again?"  But new people need to get some of the tragedy that alcoholic drinking causes off their chest.  The important thing is for those of us with some time to bring the sharing back around to the solution.

I think of my time in Chicago early on where virtually every meeting started with the leader giving a short talk on that evening's Step.  A commitment lasted 12 weeks so that the group methodically went through The Steps, one by one, in order, not jumping ahead or skipping over anything distasteful, only moving forward when the Step was thoroughly done.  It was very frustrating for a new guy who wanted to talk about his PROBLEMS!  I had to pay attention to the discussion so that I could find a way to work my problem into the mix.

Solution, my ass.

Honest Abe

 "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! "And this, too shall pass."         Abraham Lincoln

Sorry, guys, but we didn't come up with this.

When I was at the end of my drinking I had a 1966 Plymouth Belvedere station wagon that my grandpa gave me.  It ran great unless it was cold or hot or you hadn't driven it in the last six or seven hours and you could forget about it if was raining or damp in any way, shape, or form, because the engine would die if it wasn't getting any gas so whenever I came up to a stop light I'd have to do this tricky thing where I'd shift the car into neutral and rev the accelerator with my right foot while putting on the brake with my left foot.  It didn't have a radio and there were no dashboard vents so heat would only come out around your feet.  Air conditioning?  Yes, the switch was right next to the controls that made the car fly.  

I'm grateful every morning when I get into my car.

In the meeting yesterday we talked about feeling good in the morning.  When I was drinking the concept of "feeling good" and "morning" was what is called an oxymoron.  Examples of this disconnect are a "smart idiot" or a "tiny giant."  They are mutually exclusive.

If you had asked me right before I got sober why I wanted to quit drinking and to keep the reason to one sentence I would have said: "I want my mind to stop for a couple of minutes."  I'm always so amazed when my mind is quiet.  This happens often today as opposed to never when I was running and gunning.  Our minds are made to think and that's what they're going to do so I'm not overly surprised when the thing takes off on its own but it is so pleasant to not be held captive by a racing, catastrophizing head.

One Day At A Time

 "I believe that fundamentally all is well. I will not try to plan too far ahead. I know that the way will unfold, step by step. I will leave tomorrow's burden to tomorrow. You are so made that you can only carry the weight of twenty-four hours, no more. If you weigh yourself down with the years behind and the days ahead, your back breaks. God has promised to help you with the burdens of the day only. If you are foolish enough to gather again that burden of the past and carry it, then indeed you cannot expect God to help."

If there is a more fundamental premise in Alcoholics Anonymous than One Day At A Time I don't know what it is. The idea of being In The Moment can be found in every spiritual practice that I've ever run into. It's the reason Buddhist's concentrate on the breath when they meditate - the breath is right there, right there, and because everyone has to do it to live it's a connection you share with every living animal.

We're so hard on ourselves that I've never been able to holler at anyone in AA, no matter how ridiculous and self-destructive their behavior is. I figure the person I'm interacting with has been beating the shit out of him/herself for so long and with such intensity that my piling on won't be helpful. I'm not saying we all don't need to be contradicted from time to time but I sure try to do it with compassion and understanding.

Normal

 Letting go doesn't mean releasing our grip on life and falling into the abyss below.  Letting go is a slow process of easing the grip on some facet of our lives: alcohol, drugs, an obsession, a character defect, or negative feelings toward some asshole who bugs the shit out of us.

I try to follow my conscience slowly, carefully.  I can't resolve that today I'm just going to simply eliminate a character defect or an obsession or a resentment.  I can prepare to let go.  Just slowly let go.  Prepare myself to gently let go.

"We're living through a discontinuity which is a moment where the experience and expertise you've built up over time cease to work.  It is extremely stressful, emotionally, to go through a process of understanding the world as we thought it was, is no longer there.  (No kidding.)  There's real grief and loss.  There's the shock that comes with recognizing that you are unprepared for what has already happened."

The whole premise of trying to make my life "normal" again is a broken premise.  It's a mistake.  It leaves me trapped inhabitants of someone else's broken world.

Givers and Takers

 "The world is composed of givers and takers.  The takers eat better but the givers sleep better."

There's a homeless situation in my town - the weather is nice which attracts people, I believe, and housing is really expensive which often tosses even people who are working outside.  I'm often approached and asked for pocket change.  Sometimes I give money but sometimes I don't.  A 40ish dude with a backpack and a guitar approached me as I was filling my car with gas yesterday.  I opened my wallet but only had twenties.  "Man, I could sure use a twenty," he said.  I shrugged my shoulders -whadda ya gonna do? -  reflected, motioned the guy over, told him I'd buy a Pepsi to get some change.  I asked him what his deal was as we walked over to the shop: got a dui which cost him his job, got behind on rent and utilities and alimony, outside he went.  He wasn't bullshitting me. I have an acute bullshit radar.  There's a really nice guy who has been coming to our morning AA meeting for a couple of months who - while waiting for subsidized senior housing - is sleeping outside.  Refuses to go to a homeless shelter, adamant that it's safer to sleep on concrete.  I gave him $20 one day, unbidden.  I saw him the next day  . . . . with a cup of Starbucks.  Haven't seen him since.  He wasn't bullshitting me, either - his odor told me that.  When I walk on the beach I'm frequently hustled on the way down by a guy who's standing outside a liquor store.  "Dude," I said one morning.  "Don't stand right here.  Jesus.  At lease pretend you aren't going to go right in and buy beer."

There are signs in our downtown area telling people to give money to local social services and not to panhandlers.  If everyone passes out money then the homeless will be attracted.  But there are some people who simply will not avail themselves of temporary housing.  Some are obstinate, like my AA friend, and some are too mentally ill or addicted or damaged to take that step.  I often give money.  I often give the occasional outrageous tips to the kids who staff the shops I frequent, and these are outrageous for these kids and not for me.  I feel better, somehow relieved when I do this.  

Willie and I were talking about an oldtimer at his meeting who approached him in the parking lot afterwards and asked for money.  Willie offered to follow him to the local Wal-Mart to just buy the burner phone he needed.  "Bill, I don't have a car," the guy said.  Willie gave him the money.  Willie has no expectations of getting the money back.  We agree that the rule of thumb is that money dispensed is a gift and not a loan.  We often talk about the spiritual principle that the more you hold onto some physical "thing" the more power it has over you, aware that it's easier to give a thing up if you're living in abundance, like we are.

Giver.  At times.  And happier for it.

Expression of Love

Express: To show, manifest, or reveal. 

The topic this morning turned and twisted, dove deep and came up for air, floated way up high in the sky before settling on the idea of God and the meaning of love.  This sounds way more complicated than it ended up being.  It was great hearing people opine and drift on the nature of love and how it relates to a relationship with a Higher Power.

There's a famous scripture which states that God is love: "God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them: "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him. God is love, and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him."  I talked to my longtime sponsor every day when he was bedridden, dying of cancer.  I swear that dude had one foot in this world and one foot in the next because he was coming up with some heavy stuff, otherworldly, ineffable stuff.  He really got focused on the idea that God was simply an expression of pure love.  I liked that he used the term "expression."  That made sense to me.  God manifesting God's essence through something in reach of all of us.

I often think of my tight-assed, religious, conservative, anal-retentive German family, deeply religious but one that considered love as a very official, prescribed thing - you loved your family, God, a significant other, and maybe a football team or two, but that was it.  In Alcoholics Anonymous I've come to embrace love as a living entity with all kinds of nuance and depth and intensity.  Some people I've loved for a long time and some not so long; I'm sure of my love quickly with some and after a lengthy marination with others; and some people have been steadfast in my mind while others come and go.  I don't think I ever stop loving someone I love but I can drift back a bit, be more detached, when people change or disappoint me or disappoint me after changing, which everyone will do, from time to time.  We are, of course, all flawed human beings.

The funny thing, of course, is that I don't really like anyone.

The woman next door got a rescue dog a few weeks ago, a street dog from Mexico.  I've long believed that if you want to see love in action hang around with some animals.  I form strong connections with animals pretty quickly and this dog is totally devoted to me.  If our neighbor lets the dog out on the porch it sits there and looks at our door until I come over.  You can see the love expressed when she sees me coming over.

I'm loved!  I get to love!

Free Coffee for Everyone! And Water for Their Horses!

 "We live and interact with a variety of situations that can range from slightly stressful to very stressful.  We can be like an amoeba and suck up the surrounding mood and conform to it, or we can remain detached from the situation and be in touch with ourselves.  Whatever is happening outside of us is somebody else's issue."

I used to be in charge of running the whole world.  Now I'm in charge of exactly jack-shit.  I've always like the analogy of the hula hoop.  Step inside your hula hoop - that's what you're responsible for.  It's not much, is it?  Everything outside of that circle is none of your business.

I've probably written about the following before.  I just filled up a glass of water and set it down somewhere and I can't remember where so I just got another glass of water.  I don't even look any more.  It'll turn up eventually and I've got a ton of glasses.  So don't ask me what happened a couple of months ago.

I've gotten into the habit of occasionally buying a cup of coffee for the person in line behind me at my regular stops.  I always check first, mind you, because I don't want to get stuck buying 12 specialty coffee drinks for someone making a run for their office.  It is unbelievable what people pay for some of these supercharged drinks.  It's kind of hard to rescind an offer after it goes over a certain amount.  I'm trying to be generous but not that fucking generous.

I tend to pick on young people or older folks.  I assume that a few bucks here and there means something while I can easily afford this miniscule generosity.  People are surprised and grateful.  I often talk to them for a minute while we're waiting for whatever gymnastics the baristas have to do to make this stuff.  If your drink needs a blender, an espresso machine, a sweetner of some kind, milk (whole, 2%, skim) or soy milk or almond milk or transgender milk, and shit sprinkled on top it's going to take a while to make.

One dude with a veteran's cap on always gets two glasses of iced tea.  I was behind him this day and insisted on paying.  After an appropriate time trying to refuse my offer he stuck his hand out and said: "We're old school!"  I don't know what that means.  One foreign looking woman appeared shocked and appalled even though I see her there every day.  I actually had to tell her she didn't have to accept the drink if she didn't want to.  I've been mistaken for a creepy stalker on other occasions so this wasn't out of the ordinary.

This is money I can afford to give.  I'm not stressed out financially.  And I believe with all my heart that the tighter you hold onto something the more control it has over you.

Black as Night

 Remember: It's always darkest before it goes totally black.

There's a new guy who's been coming to my morning meeting.  He's had sobriety before but is trying to come off a long relapse.  I asked him two days ago how he's making out.  He's waiting to hear about subsidized senior housing but in the interim he's sleeping outside.  The weather here is pretty nice but it gets chilly at night and damp so it's not great.  He has tried sober living and different men's shelters but found them so onerous he prefers sleeping outside.

He's never asked for money which I categorically refuse to give at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  The next time I saw him I slipped him $20 so he could at least eat.

This morning he was at the meeting.  With a cup of Starbucks.  Only in this Program, right?  When I give money to someone it's unconditional how they use it and I never ask for it back.  In my mind the cash is a gift, a present.  If I'm opened minded I could surmise that someone bought him a cup of coffee outside of a Starbucks or he was reusing a cup that he had been hanging onto.  I try not to judge.  I wasn't mad at all; I laughed out loud when I saw it.  Who knows?  Maybe the guy decided a cup of good coffee was going to do him more good than a greasy McDonald's hamburger and maybe he's right.

Just Don't Tell Anyone

 I continue to be bamboozled stunned amazed at the degree to which the social divisions in our country have seeped into Alcoholics Anonymous . . . or at least that I perceive believe sense that they have entered The Rooms.  Maybe I'm more sensitive to it, more bitchy, more defensive and while I'm sure all of these things apply to a certain degree, but in talking to people I respect in recovery I'm getting these views affirmed.  It's a trend that may or may not be contributing to the lower attendance that The Program has these days - something I hear from people all around the country so I know this isn't unique to Ventura.

I was walking along the beach yesterday when I spied a dude from recovery that I know quite well.  He and I are definitely on different sides of the police barricade when it comes to social issues such as the struggle between personal freedom and social responsibility, matters that don't have a clear demarcation between right and wrong.  People see these issues differently.  This is why some people build a cabin in the middle of nowhere.  They don't want to have to deal with other people.

It wasn't clear whether this guy didn't see me or that he was willfully ignoring me but he was going to just walk on by.  I drifted into his line of sight.  I don't want to hold onto resentments.  Pre-social division he and I were able to talk about non-controversial things.  I knew we were very different people so we weren't ever going to be close friends but I've always thought that one of the great strengths of AA is that "we are people who would not ordinarily mix."  It does me good to listen to different viewpoints.  And this dude never, ever misses a meeting and he gets there an hour early so that people adrift know there's going to be somewhere there who will lend an ear.  That's important for AA.  Guys like me that show up ten minutes early don't provide that outlet.

Anyway, we chatted briefly about nothing in particular until the conversation landed on a cruise that both of us were pondering.  My big reservation to actually booking the cruise is that it's unclear what would happen if you get sick right before - or even during the cruise.  Would you have to quarantine? That would cost me a lot of money.  I don't want to go on a cruise to sit in my room.

"Just don't tell anyone," he said.

OK, we're done here.  If you think I'm a fool for worrying about something that is unlikely to happen so be it.  If you think I'm a fool for worrying about how my behavior will affect someone else then you're pretty selfish.  If I get sick that's one thing.  If I get someone else sick - or maybe more than one person - then that's another thing entirely.

You see the tension here?  When do I get to do exactly what I want and when do I have to take into account how this affects other people?

Am I A Dick?

 At the end of the day have I made the world a little better or a little worse?  That's a simple question and not one that's too hard to suss out.  Am I part of the solution or am I part of the problem?  Am I part of the disease or part of the cure?

Many years ago I got into a minor tiff with an airline employee.  I was fairly pissed but pretty restrained.  Or so I thought.

"Was that okay?" I asked SuperK.  "Was I a dick?"

"You were a dick," she said.  "You were a dick and you know exactly what I'm talking about."

I guess I thought that I should be slapped on the back because my behavior was so much less dickish than it used to be.  Sometimes, from time to time and on occasion, we need to stand up for ourselves.  The party trick is to do this with grace and courtesy and on the rare occasions when we actually do need to stand up for ourselves.  I'm pretty good at this but there's always room for improvement.

And now some words of wisdom from my favorite sage: Homer Simpson.

Homer (Self-righteously): "No, Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form.  He never has and he never will."

Marge:"You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application."

Homer (Patronizingly): "Yeah, but they were part of a single ball of lies."

It's Not Them - It's You

 "I am not at the mercy of fate or buffeted about by life. I am being led in a very definite way, as I try to rebuild my life. Only a few more steps and then the way forward shall be seen and known in my life. I am now walking in darkness, surrounded by the limitations of space and time. But even in this darkness I can have faith. I will wait for guidance on each important decision. I will meet the test of waiting until a thing seems right before I do it. The guidance will come, if I wait for it."

I took a phone call yesterday from a guy who has about a year in The Program. His sponsor is out of town so he asked if I would step in and fill the void for a week or so. I told him that, actually, I've been lost in the void or a void for years and years so might not be his best resource but he wasn't to be deterred. The call centered around problems he's having at work and in a relationship with a woman and since I know him a little bit I can assure you that he has one problem and it has nothing to do with his work colleagues or any other person walking this green earth.

I believe that the two areas in human relationships that cause us the most problem - and give us the most joy - can be found in our family lives and our work lives. We're around these groups of people the most and because we don't have a good track record of behaving well in groups of people things can go sideways in a hurry. This guy is not currently a great employee and he has no business being in a relationship with anything more complicated than a cat but it wouldn't be helpful for me to point that out. We're hard enough on ourselves without anyone else piling on.

When I was getting sober and after some time in sobriety and after a lot of time being sober and then almost every day up to and including today I've come to believe that I'm The Problem so whenever I have difficulties with other people I just assume it's me. This generally works out because it usually is me. The gift is that it makes me quit pointing the finger at other people, places, and things which are none of my business anyhow. I needed to stop pointing my finger at anyone but my own reflection in the mirror. I'm so quick to take offense or to assume the worst motives in the behavior of others that it's best if I simply say: "This is me. This is me screwing up. This isn't you." Even in the cases where this isn't the case - when it really IS them - I still find it more productive to work on me.

Great story I've repeated many times and this is one that actually happened and that I didn't make up. A friend wore his sponsor out bitching about some tiresome problem he was having. One day his sponsor picked up the phone and said: "It's not them - it's you" and hung up.

Serious Seaweed is Dead

Serious: Without humor or expression of happiness; grave in manner or disposition.

"I do not look upon the promise of serenity as referring only to the afterlife. I do not look upon this life as something to be struggled through. In temporal and material things, I must submit to limitations. I know that I cannot see the road ahead. I must go just one step at a time, because God does not grant me a longer view. I believe that in the spiritual world, as in the material world, there is no empty space. As fears and worries and resentments depart out of my life, the things of the spirit come in to take their places."

One of the great gifts of my sobriety is that I have gained the ability to laugh at myself. Boy, did I take myself seriously when I was drinking. Everything was a huge fucking deal. I was offended easily. I took offense when none was intended. I assumed every word and action was meant to criticize me in some way and if you had the gall to laugh at me, man where you on my permanent shit list. Today I roar out loud at the stuff I do. If I stumble over a curb or walk around with a schmear of mustard on my face or forget to close the old barn door after I take a leak I draw attention to it. I'm ridiculous, you're ridiculous, we're all ridiculous from time to time. And because I laugh at myself so easily people let me talk to them in a way that would have caused a fistfight in the day. People like to have a lighthearted view of themselves. They usually enjoy having their foibles exposed.

A friend of mine here in Ventura once said: "Seaweed, I am immune to your sarcasm." Willie interrupted me once after a meeting in Cincinnati as I was scorching his hide in front of a new guy: "This is what Seaweed does when he loves you. It's how he expresses his affection."

If I'm abusing you then I love you. I get away with this because you cannot offend me. I just don't take myself seriously any more.

Be Of Service

During my Quiet Time each morning I always add the request that I be shown a way to be of service to someone.  We often pray for the still-suffering alcoholic but this request is broader, more inclusive.  I want to be one of those people that has good energy boiling off me.  I want to make people smile and laugh and feel better about everything.  I want people to say: "That son of a bitch is OK by me."  This sounds complicated but is remarkably easy to achieve.  It's amazing how a smile or a kind word or a goofy joke can brighten the expression on someone's face.

After the meeting this morning I parked my car in a downtown lot and started to make my way down to the beach for a walk.  (Yeah, I know, I've got it rough.)  Another man got out of his car about the same time and as we exited the lot we nodded at each other and said hello.

"How ya' doin'?" I asked.

He was fine and inquired after my well-being.

My answer these days is inevitably along the lines of "I've never had a bad day" or "I'm great - I rarely have bad days."  Try it some time - it has never produced a bad reaction.

This dude and I talked for a bit.  He was giving off a strong spiritual vibe so I asked him how he came to acquire such wisdom.

"My wife recently died of pancreatic cancer," he replied.

"Well," I said.  "It only took me fifteen years of heavy drug and alcohol use to bring me to my knees.  The stuff you're saying reminds me a lot of the perspective we get by attending meetings."

We introduced ourselves.  I told him he had made my day.  I'll probably never see him again.  He lightened my already light load and I bet he'd say the same about me.

Children of Chaos

 "I will try to keep my life calm and unruffled. This is my great task, to find peace and acquire serenity. I must not harbor disturbing thoughts. No matter what fears, worries, and resentments I may have, I must try to think of constructive things, until calmness comes. I believe that in the spiritual world, as in the material world, there is no empty space. As fears and worries and resentments depart out of my life, the things of the spirit come in to take their places."

Whew, I hear you and what a load of bullshit, all at the same time. The Book calls us Children of Chaos. We are folks used to living on the edge. We're risk takers and adrenaline junkies and we like to be in the middle of the action so being calm and slow and restful is not our thing. One of the hardest habits I've had to acquire has been some kind of effective meditation. My brain is on the move, dude, and it wants a scrap. It wants to find defects and problems and exalt in them. I mean, seriously, there are a lot of idiots and assholes out there who deserve my dismissive scorn, and I'm supposed to clear my mind of these negative thoughts?

I like the idea that matter abhors a vacuum. If you put a trillion molecules of propane in a closed box they will eventually disperse evenly throughout the whole space. If I'm concentrating on what's wrong there's no room for peace and gratitude to enter.

Only in Alcoholics Anonymous

 There have been so many "only in Alcoholics Anonymous" moments in my life I've lost count.  There have been so many instances where I've learned a valuable lesson by having life tossed in my face.  I rarely learn anything unless the lesson is screamed directly in my ear with an amplified bullhorn and even then I miss the point most of the time.  

One of the things that irks me about A.A. these days is that some people use their cell phones during the meeting.  I know that we're all so fucking important that we can't go an hour without engaging with a virtual community.  Omigod, I might miss something on Facebook!  I thought the reason to come to a meeting was to engage with an actual community but I'm off the mark frequently.  Because I am hard pressed to come up with even a couple of instances in my life where something happened that needed my attention right then, right now, rather than twenty minutes later, I'm offended by this behavior.  I realize that part of this bias is due to the fact I didn't grow up glued to screens like younger generations but I see a lot of people my own age behaving the same way.  I suspect the real reason is that our brains are being addled by the access to unlimited amounts of information immediately.  Technology companies are very clever in their abilities to keep us coming back for more, more, more.

Anyway, a few years back I started to nudge anyone who was using their cellphone during the meeting and suggest that they pocket the device.  I only did this to people sitting right next to me - I find it distracting when someone is clacking away on their phone instead of . . . you know . . . listening to other members share which is . . . I believe . . . why we come to the meetings. There are plenty of virtual meetings you can attend if you want to do twenty-seven other things at the same time.   This always produced the exact same result - the suggestion that I mind my own fucking business.  Fair enough.  I was sticking my neck out and I knew it so I took these assaults with pretty good humor or a ton of perspective, anyhow.

Willie said that his approach was to ask the info addict to put away the phone because he found it very distracting.  I thought this was a much kinder approach so I tried it once with a guy I've known for a long time and got along with just fine.  I could see he was playing a game, for god's sake, so I knew it wasn't anything important.  He looked at me, smirked, and held the phone up in my face and continued to play the game for a while longer.

I never saw him again until recently when he took a chip as a newcomer.  I took no pleasure in this but I also wasn't surprised.  I chatted with him briefly a couple of times.  He didn't seem to have any recollection of the incident that I found so incendiary.

Then he asked me to be his sponsor.  You cannot make this stuff up.