Gall and Bile and Such

Gall:  Rudeness and the quality of being unable to understand that your behavior or what you say  is not acceptable to other people.

I took a phone call yesterday from a dude I sponsor if by "sponsor" you mean "I talk to him sometimes so he can ignore me and feel better about himself."  I'm kidding - he's a good guy and works hard at getting better.  He wanted to talk about a co-worker that he was thinking of garroting and then burying in a shallow grave.  I listened and he talked a blue streak for the better part of an hour.  I could have put the phone down and taken a nap - he wouldn't have known the difference.  I've learned that most of the time people just want to unburden themselves.  They don't want my advice.  I don't blame them.  My advice usually sucks.  I never suggest that anyone take my advice.  Stop someone on the street and ask their advice.  It'd probably work better.

This is how we help each other.  I know my friend and I know that he wasn't lying to me or making shit up.  He was probably exaggerating to make himself look better but that's SOP.  It made me think about the difference between wisdom and knowledge and how wisdom is a combination of knowledge and experience, often earned in painful ways.  When I'm right and the other person is wrong it's awfully hard for me to try to find the middle ground.  The middle ground is that I'm fucking right and you need to back off.

It also made me think about how we all need to strike a balance between being right and respecting ourselves.  As a recovering alcoholic I don't grovel in the mud before anyone anymore.  I stand tall, on my own two feet.  So with each situation I have to ask myself if this is a case where I need to assert myself and protect my own ego (rare) or do I need to be the bigger person, the man with a Program, the man on a spiritual quest (distressingly fucking common).

This guy took a series of aggressive texts from the asshole who was complaining about a minor matter where my buddy was indeed at fault, and they ruined his entire day.  He demonstrated spiritual growth by not responding in kind.  Good for him but he seethed about the unfairness of the situation.  As an older guy I can't afford to have entire days ruined anymore - I don't have enough days left to have any ruined.  I did not suggest this at the end of our conversation that he might have responded like this: "Hey, man, sorry about that.  I know that when I do this it upsets our boss and both of our days go better when the boss is in a good mood.  Thanks for having my back.  I owe you one."

Can you visualize the gall of the other man to reduce my friend to this state, the choking, poisonous bile he would have had to swallow to write that?  He was right and the other guy was wrong!  This is unfair!!  But would he have ruined an entire day so that he could assert his self-righteous prerogative?  Probably not.  I kept this to myself as the situation seemed still too urgent.  He'll figure it out.

This is how we pass the love back and forth in The Fellowship.  We make each other think.  When we have some pertinent experience, strength, and hope we pass it along.  When we need some ES&H we ask for it and honor the other man with the request.