Free Coffee!

  I took a walk today to the local hardware store to pick up an odd, circular fluorescent light bulb that I had to special order.  I didn't need one, mind you - I just felt like buying something weird.  A light bulb in the shape of a circle.  I had to have one of those.  I might put it in my Discarded Items Garden which is currently populated by old cell phones and camcorders, little chess pieces molded in the shapes of Simpson's characters, a wooden electric clock stuck at ten past five - A.M. or P.M is anybody's guess - and other pieces of flotsam and jetsam.  There are also a bunch of cactus and palm trees that are defended by an impressively vicious array of thorns and needles and stickers.

Anyway, I stopped in for what I used to call my Overpriced Specialty Coffee Drink with my tongue firmly in my cheek but now - Jesus! - these drinks really do cost too much.  (BTW, tongue-in-cheek originates from the idea that one is biting one's tongue to keep from laughing as one tells a whopper although I'd say tongue-between-teeth makes more sense).  As I do from time to time, as the mood strikes me, I ordered my coffee and turned around to the next person in line and said "And whatever she's having," hoping the next person isn't ordering drinks for the entire office.  I do this primarily to see the look on people's faces.  I'd say the look is akin to tossing a live hand grenade back or releasing a particularly toxic fart.  People freeze.  I can see the thought process: "OK, what's the game here?"  They don't process the idea that it's a few bucks out of my pocket and often look a little wary.

The woman thanked me again, ordered something ordinary, and froze again when I said: "No, that's too expensive."  Alright, that was one extremely dry and weird quip too far but I had to give it a whirl.  The woman behind the counter said: "Well, that was sweet."  It all makes me ponder the very real possibility that this just never happens.  When did we get so self-absorbed that buying a coffee for someone unbidden is such a shocker?  I know half the reason I do it is that it forces me to quit thinking about myself for one fucking minute.  Yeah, and the shock value is way up there, too.