Just a Touch More About Me

I went out to eat with relatives yesterday.  It was a spectacularly pleasant day and we went to a dark, wood paneled restaurant called Nothin' But Beef, or Try To Find Something Without Beef, or something like that.  It was also an expensive restaurant and a tough choice for someone like me who doesn't want to eat meat.  I was restricted to a bowl of potato soup or a house salad, and I'm not making that up.  My relatives ordered more expensive dishes than SuperK and I did, and they also had drinks.  No one wanted dessert except one of my relatives - he ordered a large, expensive dessert and insisted that everyone share the treat.  When the bill came, my relatives just split it down the middle.

"You don't want dessert?  Fine.  Here!  Have some of this and pay for it," was the rough translation.

So I ate inside - which I didn't want to do - at an expensive meat lover's restaurant - not my first choice - and got stuck paying for someone else's food - I don't even like paying for my own food. After about an hour I was so pissed I got up and went outside and made some phone calls to Program buddies.

Can you see why I'm going to hell?  Me, me, me, I didn't get what I, I, I wanted.

Wait, it gets better, or worse, depending on how much you like to see me suffer.  I did this under a heavy cloud of self-righteousness  because I wouldn't treat someone else that way.  And this is true: I'm a little more attuned to what other people want and I try to accommodate these wishes.  Not by nature but because I've had a lot of practice - I've hung around you people for 25 years and I've learned that when I take care of myself I don't feel very good about myself, an odd statement given that I have just finished explaining how pissed I got because I wasn't getting to do what I wanted.

Of course I felt guilty about my behavior.  It did not go unnoticed.

Let me recap: I didn't get to do what I wanted to do; I didn't behave very well - not outrageously but not well - and I didn't feel very good about it.  It doesn't make any difference what someone else is doing, either - it's what I'm doing.

I pray every day that I be the best husband, son, and brother that I can be.  Mayhaps I should add a few more categories of relative.  I also pray that I be of maximum service to my fellow man in whatever guise that may take.  Mayhaps I should listen when I'm saying that phrase.  I think I'm saying that but hearing something along the lines of ". . . of maximum service to my fellow man as long as it fits into my plans."

It could be a long, strenuous eternity for me if I keep behaving like this.