P&M

Prayer and meditation is all about forming a partnership with my higher power.  I'm not much into partnerships as a general rule; I'm into taking hostages through violent means.  I'm into control and dictatorships.  If I owned my own law firm, I'd call it Seaweed, Seaweed, and Seaweed.  I like the sound of my own name so I'm going to slap it on the side of my building - which I'd call The Seaweed Building - as many times as it would fit.

"Yes, I have an appointment with Mr. Seaweed," my first client would say.

"Which Mr. Seaweed?" I'd say.  "We have three of them here."

"I don't know," would be the perplexed reply.

"Get the $#!! out of here," I'd say.  I wouldn't make much money as a lawyer.

The point is that I spend way too much time talking and way too little time listening.  I can't be bothered to listen when I'm meditating - and that's all about the listening - so you can imagine the problems I run into when I'm praying.  There's a lot of dictating and laying down of the law when I pray.  There's isn't much supplication or confession or thanksgiving or praise - it's more of a detailed list of demands presented with an angry snarl.  One of my fondest fantasies is to have a direct phone line to my higher power so I could make sure that he, she, or it is with the program.

"Here's what I need you to do today," I say to god, simultaneously checking my Facebook account.  "Are you taking notes because I'm only going over this once?"  I have a long history of trying to push god around.  It doesn't work very well but I'm not shy about it.