The Big Book

I've been attending a lot of literature meetings lately.  I prefer meetings where we read out of our books.  I believe that the solutions to my alcoholism is found in these books.  General discussion meetings where a topic is chosen are often good but they are somewhat more likely than literature meetings to drift into grievance sessions or a cataloging of problems.  Bitching, in other words.  We all have problems.  It's okay to talk about the things that are bothering us as long as we move forward into possible solutions for those problems.  Not that I don't enjoy bitching . . . 

All of the following quotes come from The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, copied ver batim.

"Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us." 

Purpose:  The reason for which something is done, or the reason it is done in a particular way.

I do not see anything about me in there.

Here is a burst from the chapter "More About Alcoholism."

"We know that no alcoholic ever recovers control.  Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."

I see never and ever in there.   I see no sometimes-es or occasionally-es, and definitely no maybes.  A reminder that I've got this thing and I better remember I got this thing because the results if I forget about the nature of this thing are always going to be the same.

Don't believe us?

"Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking.  Try to drink and stop abruptly.  Try it more than once.  If anyone questions whether he has entered this dangerous area, let him try leaving liquor alone for one year."

One year?!  I remember going to comedy club once in the day.  The club was packed and the rows were pretty close together, both of which made it hard for the waitresses to serve the patrons.  The fact that I clearly appeared to be a non-tipper (totally justified) didn't help, either.  I recall drinking a beer and then waiting a frustratingly long period of time to get my second one ordered and delivered.  By this point I could see that I wasn't ever going to get enough beer to put a buzz on so I sat sullenly through the set until I could get the fuck out of there and go somewhere where I could drink freely.  I was an unhappy and sober alcoholic.  I figured if I couldn't drink as much as I wanted to then I wasn't going to drink at all.  Half a buzz was worse than no buzz at all.

What normal person thinks like that?

"He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic (referring to an alcoholic who decided that dropping a shot of whiskey into a glass of milk - which sounds like the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of and I drank a lot of disgusting shit - wouldn't lead him down that dark familiar road.)  Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he take whiskey if he only mixed it with milk!

I've mentioned a few times the experience very recently (as I approach 33 years of continuous sobriety) of seeing a character in a movie vape marijuana and experiencing a momentary flash of curiosity.  It looked so efficient!  Much less wasteful that fumbling with a joint.  And let's not even get into the fact that I can drive around the block to a marijuana dispensary and buy whatever I want legally.  Still stops me in my tracks.

". . . absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge.  The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink.  Except in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other person can provide such a defense."

Yeah, yeah, you're really smart.  We get it.  You don't got it, though, smart guy.  Read all the books you want.  Study away.  Pack your massive brain with encyclopedias of information.  Alcohol is smarter than you are.  Of this we're sure.

"The sensation is so elusive (speaking here about the ease and relaxation that comes from taking a drink) that, while they admit that it is injurious, they cannot over time differentiate the true from the false."

"The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed."