Advise and Consent

 I took two calls yesterday from old friends in The Program who have many years of sobriety.  Both of them wanted my advice.

Advice:  An opinion offered in an effort to be helpful.

I like that the definition uses the word "opinion" instead of "fact."  I like that the word "effort" is included.  My definition would be more along the lines of "Facts delivered which, if enacted, would be helpful."  One of my favorite suggestions when people ask for my advice - distressingly rare, to be sure - is to urge these idiots to talk to a lot of other people, too.  I'm not being falsely modest when I say this.  I know that my advice is wise and sage and spot-on sometimes.  I also know that it's way off the mark sometimes, too.  Consensus building is the rule of the day.  Even if my wise, sage, spot-on advice would work for me that doesn't necessarily mean it would work for you.  I often conclude my advice dispensing by reminding whatever idiot I'm talking to with a jolly: "But what do I know?  I'm lucky if I can find my car keys half the time."

The first guy didn't have much of a problem.  Really, the bulk of the conversation centered around the fact that he was a little frustrated at being cooped up with his family for too long a time.  My advice in these situations is: "Ah, no shit?"  My good advice is to remind everyone that very few things outside of death are forever.  We'll be through this eventually.  Enjoy the novel stuff and evolve to accept the irritating stuff.  I miss seeing my friends at my paused in-person meetings. I'm also totally digging seeing very old friends in a city that was my home AA base for 20 years.  I can live in the frustration or I can find a solution.

The second guy is dealing with a family member who won't let him off the hook for a past wrong.  My friend has made a formal apology in his 9th Step amends process.  He has also tried to change his behavior so that he doesn't keep making the same mistakes.  No luck so far.  I wondered aloud if the family member is just needling him.  That doesn't seem to be the case.  The guy seems to still be airing his grievances.

I get somewhat protective of my friends.  I told him that "As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone."  I am happy to take shit from other people much of the time.  I do not let it go on forever.

The next day I got up and wondered about the flip side of the coin: that we have a tremendous Program and tremendous friends to bounce our grievances off of so maybe he should just suck it up and play hurt.  He doesn't live with the guy so maybe he ignores him from time to time.  "We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick." Not were spiritually sick - perhaps were spiritually sick.  "  Or this: "Let's remember that alcoholics are not the only ones bedeviled by sick emotions."  How about that gem?

So clearly I don't know what the fuck he should do.  He's a smart guy working a good Program so he'll figure it out.

"Ask Him each day in your morning meditation what you can do for the man who is still sick."