Being of Service Takes Many Forms

I received a text from my sister asking for some of my perspective and wisdom on life.  She has had a tough few years what with the death of our parents and her mother-in-law, a job loss, children going to college or at least trying to go in the midst of the pandemic.

First of all, the fact that anyone thinks I'm serene and wise is a miracle.  When I was running and gunning no one was coming to me for counsel.  They were backing away holding strings of garlic and wooden crosses.  When someone says something like that I turn around to see if there's someone standing behind me.  Anyway, my response . . .  

So . . . . 

I'm not sure I've got any great insight here that doesn't sound preachy or unrealistic.  My old AA sponsor used to say (he was 20 years older than me): "Steve-O, at my age I go to a lot more funerals than christenings."  Death is inevitable and death is best included as part of life.  It shouldn't be scary or avoided.  It's coming for all of us.

Have you ever considered or investigated any Grief Groups?  I attended two of them out here for about 6 months after dad died and found them extraordinarily helpful (one was at a non-denominational local church and was run by a retired shrink, the other was at the local hospice.)  The groups helped me come to terms with loss, with the understanding that sometimes things change and they're never going back to the "way they used to be" and they helped me understand that grief is an individual thing.  It takes what it takes.  There isn't a right way or a wrong way to go about it.  Some people are very emotional, some more reserved.  Some get hit hard right away, some feel the pain later.  The important thing is to embrace it and go through it.  

As Lloyd Braun from Seinfeld said: "Serenity now - insanity later."  The idea in his case was that if you don't honestly face the reality of your life it's going to eat your head from the inside out.  It's fine to look on the bright side of things unless something really is wrong.

I like the story of the farmer emerging from his storm cellar in the aftermath of a tornado and viewing the wreckage of his house: "Don't see anything the matter here, Ma.  Ain't it grand the wind stopped blowin'?"  Big Book P 82.  Yeah, well, positive thinking only makes sense some of the time.  Unless your house is now kindling.

I also saw a psychiatrist for about 15 sessions.  I found this very helpful, too.  I was OK after mom and my sponsor died and I was OK after dad died for about 3 months (being so busy as the executor of the estate helped distract me) and then I started having episodes of anxiety that began to develop into  panic attacks.  The groups and the counselor and AA all got me squared away but it wasn't a quick process.

You might find this list of stressors helpful - they vary from source to source but there's a ton of agreement.

1. Death of a spouse (or child): 100
2. Divorce: 73
3. Marital separation: 65
4. Imprisonment: 63
5. Death of a close family member: 63
6. Personal injury or illness: 53
7. Marriage: 50
8. Dismissal from work: 47
9. Marital reconciliation: 45
10. Retirement: 45

I've also learned that stress comes in all kinds of forms.   Financial stuff is never fun.  I will say that having both of your children leave for school and edging up on 60 (sorry, sister, here it comes and it's a big one) are both going to get at your insides.  I had 33 years of sobriety this week.  Where did the time go?  I'm in my second year of social security and I'm going to qualify for fucking MEDICARE in 15 months.  Take that!

AA really stresses staying in the moment - how are things right now? - and doing what's in front of you, doing the next right thing, the next indicated thing.

The future is tricky.  I try to stay out of the future.  I have no control over the future.  The future often/usually/always works out a little differently than I think it's going to.  I lean on my faith to believe that all will work out for the best in the long run.  That doesn't mean that I'm going to get what I want or avoid what I don't want but that my god has a good plan for me.

Alcoholics Anonymous has been a powerful tool for me.  I wish I didn't have to go through the misery I went through to get sober but it has given me a faith in a higher power, a solid practice in prayer and meditation, a great, great social network of men and women with whom I share everything (isolation is a crippling force), a sense that I'm ultimately going to be taken care of while not escaping the ups and downs of life.

When you think of mom and dad remember what Homer says: "A parent's worst nightmare is to die before their children."