This and That and the Other

In no particular order some notes from the last 10 days as I tried to maintain sanity, to remind myself and calm myself and counsel myself and try to not think about myself for like one goddam minute . . . 

Reassure my mother that everything is OK.

I have no idea what it must be like to be in my mid-80s.  It must be very frightening at times, seeing your life slipping away, feeling fuzzier mentally and frailer physically.  It must be quite frightening.  It was hard for me, still in the prime of my life, if by "prime" you mean "15 years past my prime," to let loose of a lot of physical things, most of which I hadn't made use of for a long time, if ever.  I'm not sentimental and I'm not a great worshiper of possessions but I still found myself thinking: "This is worth some money or I remember when I was still using this thing."

I probably need to do some official Step work on my family.  Stuff that pisses me off coming from them doesn't cause me to pause for a second when it comes from anyone else.  I'm veering too much towards animosity, open hostility, and that's not where I want to be.  I got my finger on the trigger.

The idea is to do what people want done, not what I think they should have done.  It isn't my call to make.  I think I've been helpful even though I don't see that I'm doing anything productive.

I wish I could be more comfortable with my lack of enthusiasm for my family.  It's not as if I'm the only person out here whose mother pisses them off from time to time.

Marry my mother, become my father.  As if.  I'm my mother and I married my father.  Don't think about this too deeply or it becomes very disturbing.

I'm sorry that it isn't easier for me with my parents, that the closeness that we all crave isn't there.   Ditto with my sister.

I shan't be coming back for a good little while.