Sheesh

Psychopath: A person with a personality disorder indicated by a pattern of lying, cunning, manipulating, glibness, exploiting, heedlessness, arrogance, delusions of grandeur, sexual promiscuity, low self-control, disregard for morality, lack of acceptance of responsibility, callousness, and lack of empathy and remorse.  Such an individual may be especially prone to violent and criminal offenses.

Everything becomes more negative.  I haven't had a wave of such negativism in a long time.  If nothing is good, what is there worth trying for?

I'm no longer apathetic about the control society exerts on me.  I dislike being controlled by a huge, nameless force which has dictated all my actions up to now, and appears to have no cracks in the fortress.  I feel more and more incapable of acting.  And it's frustrating.

I have to admit that I don't trust anyone anymore.  This is the only thing that can be causing my illogical jealousies toward everyone, even my friends.  Why should anyone be happy if I'm not?

Sometimes I think I AM acting right.  But I realize I'm not.  I can't see the future being any different.  What's the use of trying?

But I guess none of this really makes any difference.  Really, it doesn't always bother me.  But sometimes I WANT to change and then I get frustrated.  And the frustration can get bad, so bad my head wants to explode.

And I get so angry with society, then.  Why did it make me like this?

So I'm reading some of my old letters and I come across this passage.

"Man," I think.  "I remember what it was like to feel that way.  I'm so glad I'm sober and working a Program, making some progress toward a happier existence."

Then I see that I've attributed this to a book called: "Case Histories of Psychopathology," a book I assume I was assigned in one of my psychology classes.  I hope, for god's sake, that I didn't pick it up to do some pleasure reading.  

Let me repeat this: I thought I was reading something I had written about myself when, in fact, I was reading about someone who was ill enough to be profiled in a book about psychopathology.  Some type of psychopath (please see definition at top of page).  Maybe a paranoid schizophrenic?  Some seriously sick dude and I thought it was me.

I just don't have any doubt that what ails me is a serious medical condition.