Spend that Money

Behave: To conduct (oneself) well, or in a given way.
Behavior:  Human conduct relative to social norms

I've been talking with my brothers and sisters in recovery about the trip, and this question comes up often: "How was your behavior?"  I get really caught up in my thinking, giving it too much power, and subsequently don't pay enough attention to my behavior.  The only thing more useless to me and everyone else on the planet than my thinking is my talking so I try not to do either of them too much, but it's the behavior that's important.  Not that thinking and/or talking isn't important at all, just that it's not as important.  I'm grateful, for instance, that I can't be tried, sentenced, and convicted for any of the things that I think because I would be going to the Big House up the river for a long, long time.  I'm a venomous talker and a murderous thinker.  Actor?  Eh, pretty much a wimp.

I had one glaring instance where my behavior wasn't exactly to my liking.  I've done more bitching that I should but far, far less than I wanted to about the money I've had to spend traveling back to The Old City.  Not all of the money but a chunk of it.  Much of the reason for all of the trips has been as a manual laborer for my folks' house.  I realize, on the surface, that the attraction of my manual labor is that it's free, and I'm glad to provide the service, but it's one hell of a commute, and that I resent.  Instead of openly bitching about the money I'm spending - an amount no one in my family has offered to defray by one farthing, shilling, or pence - I've tried to Set the Stage, director that I am.  As in: "I can't afford to keep doing this," which is technically kind of a lie, but it seems nicer than saying: "I don't want to do this anymore," closer to the truth but a little heavy-handed.

At one point my mother said that she wanted to pay for my flight.  I gave her the number, and she replied: "Well, you can forget about that," and gave a little laugh.  I had been surprised by the question, stunned by the offer, and pissed by the response.  I felt like I was Charlie Brown, letting Lucy talk me into trying to kick that football one more fucking time.  

Seeing as the flight was more than she wanted to fund she started probing for other, more acceptable expenses.  Exasperated, I said: "Mom, I don't want to talk about this anymore.  If you want to give me some money, give me whatever you want to.  And if you don't want to give me any money, that's OK, too.  Please stop talking about giving me money.  Give me the money or don't give me the money."

"That's right - you don't care about the money," she said.

!!!!

"Yes," I sputtered, "I do, too, care about the money - I care about it too much."

While this comment ended that particular conversation my mother continued to talk about the money on a daily basis.  Near the end of the trip she said that she was going to send me a check for an amount exceeding all of the expenses of the trip, framing it as compensatory move to offset all of the stuff that my sister is hauling away from the house, to her house, none of which I care to touch with a ten foot pole, and completely altering the dynamic.  Unfortunately, my sister overheard part of this, not getting the exact amount, and she was quiet afterwards, so I'm sure this is going to blow up in my face at some point in a way that I can only imagine.

Not that I'm going to see the money, anyway.  I felt like saying: "There's the check book right there.  Do you want me to get the check book and a pen and bring it to you where you're sitting, right now?"

Seemed a bit much.  I am NOT spending that particular amount of money.  My sister will probable get it.

:)