Peace

Peace:  A state free of oppressive and unpleasant thoughts and emotions. 

I've had the same sponsor for about 25 years.  My Old City sponsor.  I've made it a point to have a local sponsor wherever I land but I've stayed in touch with this guy continuously for this entire stretch of time, talking to him at least once a week, more if circumstances warrant, and, as you know, circumstances do indeed warrant.  He recently learned that he's pretty sick.  His doctor said 4 to 7 months.  That's pretty sick.  He may have more time than this but it doesn't look likely.

Frankly, I can't imagine my world without this guy.  I can say with no hesitation that there is an intimacy for me in our relationship that is not duplicated with anyone else, even my birth family.  That's The Fellowship - that's what we get in our recovery community.

I spoke to him after I heard the sad news.  He was not feeling sorry for himself and he would not let the conversation linger on his illness.

"So, how are you doing?" he asked.

I felt ridiculous talking about my petty dramas to someone who is looking at very little time left.  Little Westside Jonny said that my sponsor is at peace.  He is ready to go.  He won't fight death tooth and nail.  Sometimes people who aren't at peace with themselves and the world and their god go kicking and screaming, angry and afraid.  Some people quietly get their affairs in order, prepare themselves.  I'm not suggesting that he's throwing in the towel but he isn't going to go to extraordinary measures to prolong the inevitable, either.

"That's exactly what I'd expect from him," SuperK said.

Our Program suggests that we are people who wouldn't ordinarily mix.  It uses the analogy of survivors of a shipwreck who find themselves in the same lifeboat - there are no longer any captains or passengers or maintenance workers.  There are people happy to have found a way out and more than willing to chip in to make sure that everyone survives.  That's The Fellowship.

My sponsor and I could not be more different as people.  We rarely find common ground on controversial issues like politics and religions and social justice.  I mean we aren't even in the same ocean let alone the same lifeboat in these areas, yet we've managed to keep up a strong and productive friendship for all of these years.  I believe that we admire and respect each other.

This is not going to be a pleasant thing for me and it is, as you know, all about me. I think I'm pretty upset but I can never tell right away - I'm not a crier or a moaner, more of an internalizer.  I get depressed, lose my energy.  That's kind of where I am right now and I know that everyone is very interested in how I'm doing because it is, as I've mentioned before, all about me.