The Guilt Cherry on the Guilt Sundae

Here's the first day back stuff:

An uneventful-less trip - uneventful as always.  Still, I battle and lose with trip anxiety, a fact that I really should try to keep in mind.  It has always been and I expect that it shall always be, to some degree at least.  And the first day after arrival?  An anxiety fest.  Why can't I remember that jet-lag is a real thing.  I can't seem to do it.

My parents sit and bicker.  Dad is pissy and mom wanders all over the place with a lot of repeating and silly concerns.  I'd like to change this dynamic but they've only been married for 65 years.  I wonder why my father thinks it's helpful to yell at someone who is having trouble maintaining focus.  It's not like she's doing it to piss him off.  I think she's about 75% there at this point.  It has nothing to do with him.  Why does everyone think everything is about them?

Mom, after I visited for 5 excruciating hours, asked whether I was staying with them that night, forgetting that she had shown no enthusiasm for the prospect when I brought it up several times on the phone from Vacation City.  The book uses a phrase along the lines of "purposeful forgetting," which is kind of like not hearing anything because one is hard of hearing unless it's something interesting, at which point the hearing gets really damn good.

She seemed surprised that I had made other plans.  I reminded her as gently as I could that we had talked about this at length.  I did not say this: "If you mention that 'I guess it would be OK for you to stay here' it doesn't show much enthusiasm for the prospect, so I made other plans."

I did, however, stick to my guns.  I was settled in at my very hospitable sponsor's house, where I  had my own room, a nice bed, and a happy host.  I know family can push buttons, making situations seem worse than they are.  I know that I have to work on myself, to show kindness to people who are less able to tolerate adversity, who don't have the wonderful spiritual toolkit that I've got; I know all of this but goddam was it unpleasant being there.

When I left my mother made this comment: "It's just that we don't get to see you very often."  Ah, yes, the guilt coup-de-grace, the guilt cherry on top of the sundae of guilt.