Not In The Club

 Man, man, man, am I really responsible for my own problems?  That hardly seems fair.

The Great Fact is this: alcohol and drugs really, really, really fixed my problems . . . until they didn't.  When they got inside my brain I felt a switch snap and I felt okay, right with the world.  It wasn't relaxing or fun, it was need.

A famous comedian died recently who had fought addiction for most of his life.  These lines from his memoir really resonated with me:

"I want to tell you something about addiction: No matter who it is or what substance that person is hooked on, loneliness is at its root.  For whatever reason — and I have no theory as to why — there are those of us who feel isolated in this world, as if everyone else had some secret formula for getting along, for fitting in, and no one ever let us in on it.  That loneliness resides deep inside us, at our core, and no matter how many people try to help us, no matter how many friends reach out, support us, show up for us, it never entirely goes away.  It’s vast and shadowy and also part of who we are.  omething happens when we discover a drug or alcohol: Suddenly we have a companion holding our hand, propping us up, making us feel we fit in, we can be part of the club.  It’s there for us in the empty hours when it seems no one else is."

This is from Step Five in the 12 & 12: "Even before our drinking got bad and people began to cut us off, nearly all of us suffered from the feeling that we didn't quite belong."  I like the use of the word "quite," which means "to the utmost or most absolute extent or degree; absolutely; completely."  No slop in that definition, dude.

Step Five again: "When we reached A.A. and for the first time in our lives stood among people who seemed to understand, the sense of belonging was tremendously exciting."  Most of us know that feeling of finally having landed someplace where people got us.